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by Keith D. Fraser
Shame is a curious emotion. As an adult, I rarely feel shame. In my view, shame is an emotion reserved for people that don't follow their hearts. Adults feel shame when, through a lack of courage or resolve, they fail to do what they know is right.
Children feel shame when they fail to live up to the expectations of the adults that they look to for care and emotional support. Little boys and girls want to please their mommies and daddies. When they do something they know they shouldn't or don't do something they think they should, afterwards they feel shame. Often a child's first encounter with shame occurs during toilet teaching. Moms and dads may introduce shame, either deliberately or inadvertently, in an attempt to encourage a child to exercise greater control over his bodily functions. To illustrate this concept, I'm going to tell you a story about a boy named Jason.
Jason Dobson is a cute little blond haired boy that lives with his parents in a middle class neighborhood, in the suburbs of Cleveland, Ohio. Jason's father David is plant manager at a local soft drink bottling company. When Jason was born, his mother, Karen, gave up her job in human resources at one of Ohio's largest banks to be a fulltime stay-at-home mother. The Dobson family lives in a two story detached home with a big backyard shaded by maple trees. The yard is fenced and an ideal place for kids, dogs and all the paraphernalia that families with young children seem to acquire.
A couple of weeks ago it started getting warmer. Jason's dad bought some lumber at Home Depot and built Jason a sand box in a corner of the yard close to the back of the house. A kitchen window overlooks the sandbox and most of the yard, so Jason's mom can keep an eye on him while she's working in the kitchen. Karen's hobby is culinary art. She especially loves pastry and baking. Her specialty is chilled fruit pies. She also makes an exquisite apple pie, the all-American favorite. For the last few years, baking has had to take a back burner to Jason. Now that he's more independent and has his setup in the backyard, Karen hopes to be able to devote a little more time to her own interests. Jason comes first, though, and from the day he was born she's cherished the time she spends with him.
Jason loves playing in the backyard. He's been out there nearly every sunny morning since the day his dad finished the sandbox. Last Christmas, his Aunt Susan gave him a whole set of sand toys, the kind you take to the beach. This is the first opportunity he's had to use his new toys. He has a plastic dump truck with a working crank that turns to raise the bucket and also a whole assortment of pails and shovels.
One Sunday afternoon earlier in the spring, the Dobsons were out for a drive in the country and they happened upon a construction site where they were excavating for a new house. Jason and his dad stood by the fence to watch a backhoe load earth into a dump truck. Jason was fascinated and since then the plastic dump truck has been his favorite toy. He uses a shovel to fill the bucket with sand. Then he pushes the dump truck to the opposite side of his sandbox and turns the crank to dump the contents.
Jason's dad can't help but notice his fascination with machinery. Like most young fathers, he thinks that maybe Jason will grow up to be a professional man like an engineer or a doctor. Or maybe he'll be another Bill Gates. With lots of love and encouragement at this early age, the world will be his oyster when Jason becomes a man.
Jason is nearly two years old. He'll turn two next month. He's his mom's pride-and-joy and the twinkle in daddy's eye. Aunt Sue says his big blue eyes remind her of that actor McCalley Calkin, the one that starred in Home Alone. His mom and dad can't see the resemblance, maybe they will when he grows a little older. To them it doesn't matter though, he's still the handsomest little boy that ever walked the earth.
To his friends and the teenager Alice who baby-sits for the Dobsons, Jason is a pretty typical two-year-old. He already has a well-formed sense of self, an ego. This ego, of course, is strongly dependent upon the positive self image that his mom and dad instill in him. His mom and dad have created a wonder-filled world with Jason as the focal point. He feels like a whole person when he does things that please them. He feels diminished and ashamed when he does things that make them frown.
Like all two-year-olds, Jason views his world as a place designed for fun and games. With his newfound independence and his ever-expanding repertoire of abilities, his goal in life is nonstop fun. Whether he's running around the house, half-dressed, with his mom in hot pursuit or playing quietly by himself in his sandbox, his top priority is fun. His mom and dad understand Jason's needs. They've created a challenging, but safe environment where Jason can go happily about the business of being a bright-eyed-bushy-tailed little kid.
Around the time Jason's dad put in the sandbox, Jason began noticing changes in his world. Last Monday, Jason woke early, and as usual called out to his mom. She came and picked him up from his crib and gave him a big hug. "Morning Jasy. How's mommies little man this morning?" Jason grinned and then giggled devilishly. "Jacey firsty mommy" he replied as she laid him on his back on the change table adjacent to his crib.
Jason's mom has always been very vocal with him and in the last few months, his language skills have developed rapidly. Although his speaking skills are still primitive, he has a large vocabulary and understands most of what his mom and dad say.
"Jasy, you're getting to be a big boy now." Mommy tells him. "Mommy and daddy think that maybe it might be good if you started wearing big boy pants from now on." As she spoke she bent over and gave Jason a reassuring kiss on the forehead, just as she'd done thousands of times before. Then grasping his ankles, she removed his pajama bottoms. Then she released the tapes of his diaper and removed it. "See these Jasy" mom said as she showed him his new training pants. "These are big boy pants. When boys get to be big like you, they wear big boy pants like these instead of a diaper."
As mommy continued explaining to Jason what she expected of him, she slipped the training pants over his feet and then up over his tummy. Then she raised his bottom and slipped a Winney the Poo patterned diaper wrap under his bottom, brought the front up between his legs and attached the Velcro fasteners in front. "Jasy must be very, very careful from now on, OK? From now on, whenever Jasy feels a poop coming, he must tell mommy right away. If Jasy tells mommy he has to make a poop, mommy can take him to the bathroom and he can sit on the potty. OK, Jasy?"
Having finished her speech, mommy bent over and blew a big bubble on Jason's belly just as she always did when she changed his diaper. Jason squealed with delight. He loved it when she blew bubbles on his tummy. It tickled and he would squirm uncontrollably. The more he squirmed, the more bubbles she'd blow. This was part of their dressing ritual. Mommy had performed this ritual whenever she'd changed him for as long as he could remember. Jason just couldn't imagine life without this ritual.
Jason kind of understood what his mom was telling him. He knew that sometimes he got an ache in his tummy. Then the ache would go away and his tummy would feel good again. Lately he'd become aware of a smell that seemed to come after the ache went away. It seemed to Jason, that the worse the ache in his tummy, the stronger the smell would be, and then the better his tummy would feel when the ache was gone. To Jason, the smell reminded him of the feelings of love and safety that he felt while cuddled in the arms of his mom or dad.
Soon after the smell came, mommy would come and pick him up and make a sniffing sound with her nose. Then she'd smile and kiss him and say "Jasy, smells like you might have made a poop." Then she'd lay him on his back, take off his pants and rub his bum with a cloth. This rubbing kind of tickled, but it also felt good. Sometimes daddy would help mommy with the ritual. Mommy would say to daddy "Can you hand me a Pampers and the container of wipes from the diaper bag, hun? Jason's drawers are full."
Daddy would reach into the bag and pull out a pair of Jason's pants. Sometimes he'd open them and place them on his head like a lampshade. Then he'd stand over Jason grinning and making wet, smacking, pluth sounds with his lips. When daddy did this Mommy would say "David, you big boomer. You're behaving more like a baby than Jason. I wonder what you're baseball buddies would think if they could see you with a diaper on your head, making pooping sounds." Daddy would just grin and then mommy and daddy would both laugh. Jason would laugh too. Mommy and daddy could be so silly sometimes. But they always seemed contented and happy after Jason made a smell. Jason wanted his mommy and daddy to be pleased with what he did. That's why he'd always thought of the smell as a good thing.
Jason knew that when mommy asked him to tell her that he had to poop, that it had something to do with the smell. He knew she wanted him to tell her when he had an ache in his tummy. He didn't really understand why she needed him to tell her. When she was near by, and he had an ache in his tummy, she seemed to know right away when the ache went away. But if telling her would please her, he would be sure to start letting he know that there would soon be a smell. He wanted mommy to be pleased with him.
The rest of that first morning in training pants went pretty much like every other morning Jason could remember. Mommy carried him down from his room and placed him in his high chair. She gave him breakfast. He had dry Cheerios and a piece of toast. Then mommy gave him a plastic cup full of milk. He tried not to spill it, but still ended up with a small pond in the tray of his highchair.
It was a warm, sunny morning, so after breakfast mommy sent Jason out into the yard to play in his sandbox. She warned him again, "Jasy, remember that mommy thinks you're a big boy now. She put big boy pants on you. If you have to make a poop, you be sure and come tell mommy right away, OK?"
Jason smiled enthusiastically. He knew what mommy expected of him and he felt more than capable of the task. He was eager to please her. He was also eager to get outside and play with his toys. Playing in his sandbox was the high point of his day. For a while, he played happily by himself. As usual, he spent the morning moving sand with his dump truck.
Every so often, Jason would be aware of his mother peering at him through the kitchen window. It made him feel good to know she was there looking over him. It also made him feel special and important. He could smell fresh baking coming from the window and he knew that there would be a special dessert after supper.
Around midmorning, Jason felt an ache in his tummy. At the time, he was engrossed in play and innocently ignored the signals warning him of an impending bowel movement. When he realized what was happening, he stood up and started to move towards the back door. He needed to tell mommy that there would soon be a smell. Before he could make a single step, his body went to autopilot. Ten seconds later his training pants were loaded with feces.
Jason stood absolutely still for a moment. The warm, mushy blob in the seat of his pants had a familiar, reassuring feel and the smell that followed reminded him of mommy's cuddling and kisses. He'd made smells a thousand times before, standing in his crib, sitting in daddy's lap, crawling on the carpet, eating lunch in his highchair and naked in the bathtub. He'd even made smells in his sandbox standing right where he was at the moment. He'd never thought twice about it before, either while he was doing it or after it was done. But this time something was different. Mommy had asked him to tell her before he made a smell. He wanted to please his mommy. He needed to go tell her right away what had happened.
Jason stepped out of his sandbox and started to climb the backdoor steps. Before he could reach the top mommy was already there to meet him. She picked him up and gave him a hug and a sniff. "Oh, Jasy. Mommy told you to tell her when you needed to make a poop. You're a big boy now. Big boys make poops in the potty, not in their pants." Mommy frowned. "Too bad! Jasy will just have to try a little harder next time. Jasy, from now on, as soon as you feel that you might need to make a poop, you come tell mommy right away, OK?"
Jason felt shame. There was a note of displeasure in mommy's voice. Jason knew from her tone that he might have done a little better. He would have to try a lot harder the next time. "That's alright Jasy. Mommy and daddy know you'll have some accidents. They love their little man, even if he poops his pants! Jasy can be mommy's little honey-bum if he needs to. But mommy wants Jasy to try to do better the next time. OK, let's go get Jasy into some clean pants." With that mommy carried Jason inside and changed him into fresh training pants.
In the days that followed, Jason tried hard to get to mommy whenever he felt he needed to make a smell. On Wednesday, he actually succeeded. Mommy put him on his potty in time and he made a big poopy in the bowl. Afterwards mommy seemed very happy and hugged and kissed Jason like never before. "Jasy did a really good job. He got to mommy just in time and now the stinky poo is in the potty, not in Jacy's pants. When daddy gets home, Jasy, we'll tell him want a great job you did making a poop in the potty." Jason was very pleased with himself and very proud that he had pleased mommy. He knew that daddy would be pleased too. For the rest of the day, Jason was on top of the world.
But in the days that followed, somehow Jason just couldn't seem to manage to repeat Wednesday's success. That week saw an endless succession of soiled training pants, followed by hugs of encouragement and trips to the change table. Mommy tried to be supportive, but with each new accident mommy found it harder and harder to be positive. By Friday, the diaper pail mommy kept in the bathroom had been filled and emptied three times and mommy was becoming frustrated and irritable.
For his part, Jason continued to try to please him mommy. Each time he became aware of an ache in his tummy, he would try to get to mommy. But each time, his pants were full by the time he reached her. Each time this happened, Jason would feel a terrible shame as mommy tisk-tisked and frowned. By early the following week, Jason's positive self image had been replaced with apprehension and self-doubt. He longed for the happy, contented days of before, when a smile and a reassuring hug were his reward for making a smell.
Yesterday, when Jason woke up and called to mommy, she came and picked him up as usual. She laid him on the change table and removed his pants. But this time there were no training pants. "Jason, mommy and daddy think that maybe you're not ready for big boy pants yet. So for now we're going to stick with little boy pants, OK?" Mommy leaned over and gave Jason a reassuring kiss on the forehead. Then she blew a big bubble on Jason's belly. He giggled and mommy blew another. Then she changed his Pampers and dressed him in his play clothes.
That morning Jason felt like the weight of the world had been lifted from his shoulders. He had breakfast and then went out to his sandbox. Daddy had added more sand to the box and had also brought home a new toy, a real working backhoe like the one they'd seen at the construction site. It was a perfect complement to the dump truck. Now Jason wouldn't need to use a shovel to fill his dump truck. He had a real machine to do the job. Jason felt more contented than he had in a while. It felt to Jason like somehow life was back to normal again.
It was a beautiful, warm, sunny morning. Jason's mom was making fresh apple pies. The sweet scent of baking mixed with the green, leafy aroma of grass seemed to fill the air. About mid morning, Jason felt an ache in his tummy. Without thinking he hopped to his feet and made a motion towards the back door. Then he hesitated. Aaack, unk, grunt. He bent at the waist a little and stooped. Then he grunted again. There was a pause and then one last big grunt. Aaaaaa!
Jason stood silent for a moment, his tummy felt good again. The earthy, pungent smell of feces in his diaper seemed to blend gently with the aroma of freshly baked apple pie and newly cut grass. Jason felt satisfied and contented. All the ingredients were there for a normal, healthy, all-American childhood. He sat back down in his sandbox and went happily back to playing with his new backhoe and dump truck. There was sand to be moved. There would be no more shame.
The End
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