Dave Decaffeinates

Sunday, May 6, 2001

I usually avoid caffeine whenever I can. I've found that I generally feel better when I'm not strung out on legal stimulants. This is a sacrifice, though, because I love iced tea. So, when I do treat myself to glass of iced tea I'm very picky about it. I want certain brands and certain flavors, or I don't want any at all.

Last weekend I went out to dinner with a few friends. It had been a rough week, and I figured that I had earned a cold glass of sweet raspberry tea with a fresh lemon.

My friends and I were discussing our lives since we last got together, and I told them about a wonderful guy that I met. He's kind and honest, he's good looking and charming, and he has a great smile. We have complimenting personalities and similar outlooks on life. We seem to be a great match.

But, there's one small problem: Me.

I have been continuously single for my entire adult life. Sure, I've dated and even been close to a few guys, but I've never felt a real connection with any of them. I've never felt like I was doing anything but just passing time with any guy that I've ever dated. Basically, I've been alone. I've been alone even when with someone and I've relied on my imagination to keep me company.

For my entire life, I've lived with the idea that all of my happiness is waiting for me somewhere out there in the future - as if my life is just one long never ending Christmas Eve, spent wondering what's in the really big box with my name on it. And in the mean time, as I wait for Christmas morning, I have just entertained myself with my mental rolodex of romantic fantasies, perfecting the imaginary men who live inside my head.

And that can be dangerous. Who can live up to that? Well, no one - because none of it is real.

So last week I met a great guy and I really like him, but I feel a strange conflict. He's like many of the imaginary men who live inside my head, but he's different somehow. He doesn't look like any of them or talk like any of them. He has his own life too; he has things that don't revolve around me. It's like he has a mind of his own outside of mine. Strange…

Somehow, though, I still want to be with him. Somehow when I'm with him I don't feel like I'm just passing time. And somehow, he feels different than all the others. He could very possibly be the one I have been waiting for, and I'm surprised to find myself feeling so confused.

In all of my waiting by the big box under the Christmas tree, the thought never occurred to me that I might open it up and find reality inside. I never prepared myself for the idea that when I finally find happiness with someone else that it might deviate from the way I have imagined it. This is what confuses me.

In the middle of pondering all of this with my friends, I ordered my glass of raspberry iced tea. The restaurant was out of raspberry syrup.

I had my heart set on that sweet taste of tea with raspberry syrup swirling around with little bits of pulp from a freshly squeezed lemon wedge sinking slowly down to the bottom. What would I do?

The waiter asked if I had ever tried the house specialty drink. When I told him that I hadn't, he insisted that I try one.

It was delicious. It was a combination of fresh fruit juices and club soda and a few other ingredients I couldn't identify. It was light and refreshing, sweet but not too sweet, and it even had a hint of raspberry. After just a few sips I had forgotten all about the iced tea.

So there I was enjoying something I had never tried or even imagined before, even though I had wanted something else, when all of the sudden a great big "oh, duh!" hit me in the head.

My imaginary men are just manifestations of my own desires - like a crude mold to test the real ones. Of course my real man is going to differ from the imaginary ones, that's what makes him interesting. My real man is, well, 'real'; and that's what makes me not alone anymore.

He is his own person too, probably with a few imaginary men of his own and I'm sure I'm not quite any of them to him. Does he have any big flaws? No, not that I'm aware of. My conflict is internal - trying to mesh my imagination with reality. He and I met out here in the physical universe, and now all we can do is help each other along as we fumble clumsily towards happiness together.

Of course, finding happiness doesn't simply come as a result of meeting the right guy. I have to believe that I deserve him and that I'm worthy of all the other things that I have wished for. I have to believe that I am desirable myself. I have to be content on my own to expect to be content with someone. Two people who are both in that state of mind are probably the most likely to have a successful match. And that's where we both are.

This self-confidence is my biggest accomplishment. This is how I know that I don't need a man anymore - I just want one. This is how I know I'm ready for whatever is next - because I can be alone and be okay with that. I didn't realize this all at once, I suppose this is an ongoing journey with no clear destination, but I know that I'm further down the road than I used to be.

Thank goodness I managed to stay single long enough to figure this out. When I think back to some of the old cards in the mental rolodex that I don't use anymore, so many of them were unhealthy fantasies. Thank goodness none of them came true; I might have missed out on all of this. I might have missed out on this guy, and he really could be the one - he really could change everything for me.

All this time I've been afraid to step out of the security of my own imagination, for fear of being disappointed or hurt by reality; and possibly not wanting to let down anyone else myself. But the imaginary men that I've spent so much time with aren't very much fun because I always know exactly what they're going to do or what they're going to say. How boring. How lonely.

My fruit drink was just what I wanted, even though I didn't know it and I had wanted something else first. It was fruity like the raspberry tea I had wanted; it just didn't have the 'tea' part. And tea is bitter anyway. So, it all worked out - and the fruit drink didn't have any caffeine either.

back to the top