Dave Weathers a Storm

Sunday, July 14, 2002

So I finally did it: I had my first real boyfriend. And now I have my first real ex.

I’m lucky, though, because what I really got out of the experience was another friend. Last night after a ferocious thunderstorm I was walking home from his place and I started to think about what we’ve been through together since we first met. Totaling the sum of us brought a smile to my face. It’s been hard work, but after time and many trials our relationship has grown into a more mature and complete form. We really have come a long way from where we started.

A while ago I had found what I thought would be my dream job, but after just three short months I got laid off. I went home to sulk, and I started daydreaming about being anywhere else. With no budget for traveling, I did the next best thing: I got online to chat with people in other places.

I found a nice fellow on the other side of the country and we conversed for a while. We traded pictures, then phone numbers, and I called him the next day. Harmless flirtation ensued. We got to know each other better and a few weeks later he offered me a plane ticket to come meet him. He seemed trustworthy enough so, in a move that was very out of character for me, I went. And it’s not like I had to take time off work or anything.

When we met in person for the first time, I was so excited. He was everything I had hoped he would be. We spent five marvelous days together, and then I went home to start a new job. We started dating long distance. He came to see me a few times, and we met in other cities for fun. He came with me to an out of town funeral just for support. A genuine romance was brewing. Then I got laid off, again. I called him to whine about it, and he invited me to come live with him.

“I know this is crazy, but…” he began his offer.

“Yeah, it is crazy, lets do it,” I replied.

It seemed so spontaneous. It seemed like something that I would never do, leave everything and brave a new adventure. It seemed like just what I needed to get out of the rut my life had been in for so long. I had wanted to leave for a while, but I until then I didn’t really have any motivation to go. Now I had a nice boy waiting for me. So I packed up my computer and my Fiestaware, my dog hoped into the back seat and we drove off towards the unknown. Just like that. Wheee!

Until then, my experience in romantic relationships was pretty much limited to finding lots of what I didn’t want in guys, which usually just hardened my resolve to find a better quality match. So, I was thrilled to meet my future ex-boyfriend. He had his life together in many different ways. He didn’t have any of the issues that previous potential boyfriends had; he was above all of that in uncharted territory for me. He was independent and self-sufficient (yes, those are two separate things as I have come to learn from him). He had a nice albeit slightly dysfunctional family, quite like mine, with whom he had endured more than his fair share of hardships. As a result he had thickened skin, which hid a heart swollen with fear of yet great potential to love – if only he could find somewhere to channel it. I was infatuated with the idea that I might be able to tap into that and help him let it all out. I was attracted to his strengths as something I might absorb from him, and to his weaknesses as something that I might help him with.

When I arrived we got off to a strange start. Spending more time together than we ever had before, we discovered that we had different approaches to bonding - and they didn’t mesh well. I wanted a to form a deeper emotional connection that would lead to greater trust and sexual freedom with each other. He wanted sexual freedom to lead to greater trust and then maybe a deeper emotional connection if I could somehow convince him that it was safe to let the walls down around his heart. This strange sexual/emotional tension, which we had never experienced before, led to me feeling like I had intruded on his life. I think he felt guilty for leading me across the country and into this awkwardness. It was a lot simpler when we lived far apart and had to go to great lengths to be together. But still we tried.

We had some fun together, and I got to start a new life in a new city. I had lived alone for my entire adult life and I enjoyed sharing a home with someone. He became very attached to my dog, so much so that he wanted one of his own. I was reluctant to bond with new puppy because I could feel the end coming and I didn’t want the heartbreak to be magnified by losing her too, but she quickly worked her way into my heart anyway. For a few fleeting moments I felt like we were a family.

We did our best to nurture our relationship, but the roots never took hold. Our opposite methods for building a foundation never let us get a rhythm going. The resulting frustration led us to bicker more than we should have over things that mattered less. This drained our motivation to make the compromises necessary to help our relationship grow. Eventually the awkwardness led to apathy and finally to the end.

But the end, as it turns out, was really just a new beginning. There was no anger, we sat down to talk one day and I simply asked him if he was happy. He wasn’t, neither was I, and there seemed only one logical solution. Then once we officially broke up and the pressure was off, we somehow became very close friends – helping each other through the aftermath of a romance that we ended just in time to save our individual dignity. We both had invested too much and wanted to salvage what we could.

So the foundation we built was good for something after all. The emotional connection finally manifested and the trust revealed itself to have been there all along. I remembered what had attracted me to him in the first place and I realized those were good qualities for a friend to have too.

The different lives we lived until our paths crossed created for each of us different ways of dealing with the same world. After a lifetime of being forced to defend my sense of self-worth against people who would do me wrong, I keep my heart just below the surface for easy access should I need to look into it to reassure myself that I like who I am. This makes my heart easily accessible for others too, which makes me emotionally vulnerable and overly sensitive. Given past experiences I often expect the worst, or at least I constantly prepare for it. I’m not so easy to cut someone slack even for something unimportant because I always put too much at stake, too easily risking a big investment on the hopes of a bigger return. He keeps his heart very closely guarded and generally unavailable as his method for dealing with the world. It’s an equally effective defense against those who would do him wrong, but also leads him to missed opportunities to love and be loved.

Somehow, we’ve managed to work those differences (or similarities depending on the point of view) into balance. I wasn’t able to convince him to let his walls down, but he did show me a secret door. He helped me to realize that I’m stronger than I thought I was. And now, after having my first boyfriend and my first ex-boyfriend, I also have my first ex-ex-boyfriend as I lose the “boy” and “ex” stuff and just think of him now as my friend.

This isn’t exactly what I was hoping for when I trekked across the continent, but there’s nothing to complain about. I have a new life, another best friend and another puppy to love. We’re even next-door neighbors now to make sharing the dogs easier.

Last night he had both the pups when the storm started raging. He called me for no particular reason, not knowing that I was driving home through the chaos at the time. I couldn’t talk on the phone and navigate the torrents at the same time, so I cut the call short. When I got home, he was kindly waiting outside to shield me with an umbrella. He invited me to his place where shared a pizza, watched the lightning and played with the dogs. The lights even flickered a few times. It was great fun.

When the weather calmed, I took both the pups home with me for the night. I would have otherwise been alone with my dog last night during the storm. Instead I was in the company of a friend and two dogs who were never afraid to love both of us. It was almost as nice as actually having a boyfriend, but it was just as cozy.

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