| My life
consists mostly of doing laundry and looking for a
boyfriend.
Well, maybe I'm not giving myself enough credit. There's also writing and music - both listening and playing (sometimes even composing). There's work too which is satisfying more days than not. There's a dash of political activism for spice. And of course, my favorite - hiking and road trips, each of which are better when combined. I came out when I was 15, and since then I've been doing a lot of waiting. Waiting, I guess, for all of the confusion and uncertainty of youth to end - waiting for a specific moment or some defining event when I will know that I have finally become me. So here I am now, thirty-something, still waiting for that moment and still waiting for all of the other things that we're mislead to expect from life. I blame Meg Ryan and all of her happy endings for my distorted expectations. |
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| My family
is a made for TV movie, but I love them anyway. My parents divorced when I was 6. Dad remarried and moved away. Mom remarried too, and I grew up with her. I have one sister, and between both of my step-parents, I have six other step-siblings. |
| It's your
typical story of grown-ups doing the best they can with
what's left of the lives they knew, children dealing with
a sudden and unwanted change - each in their own
conflicting way, and the dogs helplessly watching it all. Eventually we all grew up and one by one started our adult lives. Some of us stayed near home and parents, and some of us didn't. Each of us became a person that no one, not even ourselves, could have imagined a decade before. |
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| Some of my family is accepting of me the way I am, and others aren't. Conflicts with those who aren't accepting
kept repeating over and over without progress. This caused strain on relationships with the rest of my family and it was unhealthy for all of us. Leaving seemed the best solution. So, a few years ago I moved away to explore a new life far from everything I knew when I was little. I was terrified at first, but it turns out this move was the best thing I've ever done for myself. My new life here on the other side of the country is better than I could have ever imagined. I haven't been back for a visit in a few years, but I'm sure the routine goes on the same without me. One day I'll go back and bring someone special with me. Some of my family will accept this and others won't. I know I'll finally be ready to go back when I don't care about that. Until then... |
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| I almost had a boyfriend,
two different times. Sort of. I've been close a few other times too, but there
always seems to be something missing. I'm not quite sure what it
is, though. Sometimes my friends tell me that I don't have a boyfriend because I'm unwilling to settle for less than I deserve. Sometimes they tell me that it's because I'm tragically insulated from reality. Sometimes the little man who lives in my kitchen cabinets tells me that I'm looking too hard. So I just kind of teeter here around the blurry line at the edge of sanity waiting for him. But I'm keeping busy and having lots of fun in the mean time. And I'm growing too, improving and making myself more worthy of the things I dream about. I've made it this far without becoming bitter, so I figure I must be doing something right. |
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I've looked everywhere. I've made unnecessary trips to the grocery store. I take my suits to the dry cleaners one at a time. I actually park and go inside the store to return DVD's instead of using the outside drop-off. I'm a long way from giving up, though. He's out there somewhere, hopefully reading this and moving his cursor down to the "send me email" hyperlink, just a few minutes from entering my life. |
| And if not, I've still got Golden Girls re-runs to entertain me while I wait. |
