Learning About Love: Book 1

Version: 2004/11/28
The latest revision can be found at: http://geocities.datacellar.net/brian618033989 or http://www.brian618.dynu.com

This fictional story contains explicit descriptions of sexual acts between the characters in it. Unsafe sex practices are depicted, because it is set in a time before the killer STD AIDS; always use a condom. Any resemblance to real persons is purely coincidental. This story may only be electronically copied to free sites.

Author's note: Here's Chapter 4. Thanks for the suggestions for this chapter. Some of you wrote about the gay scene in the '70s; wow! Thanks too for the complements; especially the ones that described what was liked, for example "realism." That was one of my goals! Though they may take that back after this chapter.
Visit my web site, if you would like the latest typo-corrected versions of the earlier chapters.

Chapter 4

      On the way to my bedroom, all of 10 seconds, I thought about what I'm going to say to Tony. He's back, but what does that mean. Are we still going steady? Also he shoved me. Can I trust him? This is going to be hard, because I would rather just make-out with him and ignore all the problems. But I know they won't go away, because I know my parents, they'll ask hard questions.
      I lead him into my room, turned on the light, and locked the door.

      "Wow, what a cool room," said Tony.
      "Thanks," I said. But I wasn't going to be distracted by giving a tour of my room.
      I moved up to him and put my arms you around his neck. He pulled me close and we kissed. He started to move his tongue in deep, I pulled back and turned my head away, and hugged him close, with my nose in his neck.
      "Tony, we need to talk."
      "Oh, OK."
      I could tell he didn't want to. I moved my hand to his chest and started to push him backwards towards the bed. He moved, glancing back. When his legs hit the bed, I kept pushing, looking into his eyes. 'You shoved me,' I was thinking. He was surprised at my aggressive behavior. He flopped back on to the bed. I followed, but knelt beside him. He put his hand on my hand, that was still on his chest, and he grabbed my other hand to pull me down onto him. I shook my head and pulled back. He dropped his hand to stroke the side of my thigh and leg. He had a worried look now. I tried to ignore it.
      "Tony, I thought we were going steady. I haven't dated much, so I'm not sure what 'going-steady' means."
      "I'm sorry Ben," he sighed, "I'm always screwing up."
      "I know I was the cause of the problems you had," I looked at his cheek, "are having. But when we needed each other the most, you pushed me away. You actually did push me!"
      He started to get up. "Maybe it would be better for me to go," he said somewhat angerly. "I seem to just hurt you."
      I pushed him back. "Tony, when you leave it hurts. When I'm with you, I feel wonderful. Please don't go."
      He laid back, but didn't look at me.
      I looked down. What can I say? I want him so bad, but can I trust that he'll stay with me. I rubbed his chest.
      "Tony, do you want to be with me?"
      "Yes, Ben. I was just scared by the things everyone was saying."
      "I know, you've had it much worse than me. More people know you," I said. I moved my hand and touched his cheek, under the bruise. "Can you tell me about this?"
      "Oh that's nothing. They won't bother me anymore."
      "There was more than one?" I asked. He shrugged and didn't say any more.
      "Stop acting like a macho jock, what..." oh, "wait, you are a jock! Why didn't you tell me you were on the school's football team?"
      "You said you didn't like jocks," he said.
      "Maybe not as a group, but I really like you." I leaned over and gave him a quick kiss. He tried to hold me down for more. Not yet, he needs to tell me what happened. I pulled back.
      "Are you good?" I asked.
      "Huh? Oh, I've scored a few TDs"
      Touchdowns, I translated. "My sister says all the girls are hot for you."
      He looked away. "Yeah, I guess. I try to ignore them. They just don't interest me."
      "What happened with the fight?" I asked again about his cheek. Why do I keep pressing him? Because getting beat up is my biggest fear.
      He sighed. "During practice on Monday, I had missed catching the ball, because it was thrown way past me. The guy covering me, slammed into me, and laughed as I fell. He said 'I always knew fairies couldn't run!' I got up and punched him in the stomach. I knocked the wind out of him. He went down to his knees. A buddy of his on the sidelines, ran over and started swinging at me. He didn't have his helmet on, so I got him in the nose. At that point others grabbed me and pulled me away from them. Coach sent me to the showers. Ever since, the guys have been avoiding me. The last few days, I'll hear whispers following me, and an occasional 'faggot'. But when I look around, people look away." He paused and looked at me.
      "I felt alone, and I thought of you and that I hadn't seen you during the lunch period. I asked around, and found out that you had not been to school since Monday, so that's why I called today. I was surprised when your Mom invited me over."
      "I'm glad she did. I really missed you Tony." I looked down.
      "Uh, if you get scared again Tony, are you going to run away again? I felt alone too."
      He got an 'evil' grin. He sat up. I couldn't stop him. "I'm going to get you now, and not let you go."
      "But, we're not done..." I tried to say.
      "Yes we are," he laughed as he lunged at me.
      I tried to get up, but he had a hold of me. I twisted around and was almost free, then he grabbed me around the waist and tossed me back on the bed. Wow, he was so fast and powerful. Was he going to hurt me? I better try to get free, till I'm sure. He started to pin me, but I squirmed out from under him. Then he got the wrist of one hand. He pulled, but I noticed that he was holding back. He was trying to not hurt me, I think. I had paused, so he got my other arm by the wrist. Now it was easy for him. He pulled my arms up and pushed me on my back, while he threw his leg over me and sat across my hips. I struggled with some anger, or was it shame, at how quickly he pinned me. No that wasn't quite it. I enjoyed being overpowered by him. What's wrong with me? Do I want to be hurt? Or is it that I like him to be aggressive? I relaxed. He was smiling at me. But how can that be? Surly he can see the anger on my face.
      "I don't want to hurt you Ben. I'll hold you and stay with you until you don't want me. I won't shove you away again."
      My face is hot, and tears are coming out. I can't think. He feels so good.
      He leaned down and kissed me. I tried to move my arms up to hold him, but he wouldn't let me. He backed off and licked my lips. I licked back at his tongue. He pushed in and swirled his tongue around mine and flicked at the spot he knew drove me crazy. I jumped. He pulled back and looked at me.
      "Are you ready lover-boy?"
      I nodded and relaxed more under him.
      "I wonder how much you can take?" he said.
      Oh my, this could get out of hand. He might try for more than kissing. He moved in again. He took his time going for the spot. He would hit it then back away. Then he moved in and started licking under my tongue. I moaned and started jerking to his tongue. He started flicking his tongue in rhythm to my jerking. Then I started to become more aware of the rest of his body. His chest pressing down on me. His legs straddling me. That's it, the heat in my face and the roaring in my ears. The peak passed, but he kept going. Another wave started at the back of my neck now. I concentrated on his weight on me. Now the peak was so strong I was crying. I turned my head to get away. It was too much. He let go of my wrists and held my head so I couldn't turn away. I put my hands up and held onto his shoulders. I tried to turn off the feelings, but I was just feeling too much of him. OK, if this is what he wants. I gave in completely to him. Another wave of pleasure was building, my ears were ringing and I felt my whole body go rigid.
      "Ben," I heard in the distance. "Ben." It was Tony calling me. Snap, I was back, gasping for air. I opened my eyes and saw Tony looking down at me. He had a worried look.
      "Ben, are you OK? You were like having a seizure."
      I was still trembling and drenched in sweat. "Hold me Tony."
      He slid his arms under me and held me. I trembled with more waves of pleasure and breathed hard.
      "I'm OK, but what happened. You were kissing me, then it was like I just woke up feeling wonderful."
      "I stopped when you really started shaking, but when you didn't stop, I got scared," he said.
      "Amazing. How long?" I asked.
      "Only a few seconds, but you were like gone." He was shaking. Is he crying?
      "I thought I had hurt you, by forcing you," he said
      "I heard you calling my name," I said.
      "You're not worried, Ben?" he sort of sobbed.
      "It felt so good. But you're right. I don't know." Is it safe? Maybe I am too young for this.

      We were both quiet for some time. I squirmed a little under Tony's weight. He rolled off of me on to his back. I turned to him and snuggled up to his side and put my leg over his. My head rested on his chest and his arm was around me. This felt so good. I put my arm around his chest and hugged him.
      "You feel so good Tony. Are we going steady again?"
      "Yes, Ben," he said as his arms hugged me back. "You'll have to work at it, to get rid of me now."
      I sighed, then I thought about the fight that he described to me. Something doesn't fit. He didn't say who hit him or how, because he had his helmet on. So how did his cheek get bruised?
      "Uh Tony? You still haven't told me who hit you in the face." He tensed up.
      "Yeah, well. When I was leaving the locker room yesterday, two guys, who were friends of the guy who's nose I hit, jumped me. The first one got me in the face, the other one in my stomach. Then they ran off as some other guys were coming out. They didn't see what happened, so they just ignored me."
      "What'll you do?" I kind of stuttered.
      "It's probably over. Those types only think of getting even. They did to me, what I did to their friends, so they're probably done."
      "But that's how it would have been before..." they knew you're gay, I wanted to say.
      "Yeah, I don't know."
      I hugged him. Man, that Cathy. It was not her place to tell others! Ah, Tony feels so good. I heard my Dad get home. He's home early, it's not quite 4:30. I'll just relax for now and enjoy cuddling with Tony.

      I must have dozed off, because I woke to knocking. Man, Tony wears me out.
      "Yes?" I called out.
      "It's me, Cathy. Can I come in?" she asked.
      Tony tensed up. I sat up and looked at the clock, about 5:15.
      "OK, just a minute." I said. "Is that OK," I whispered to Tony, who had an angry look on his face. He shrugged. I got up, straightened my clothes and combed my hair. Then I opened the door. Cathy came in. She had obviously been crying.
      "Mom and Dad, talked with me. I didn't realize how bad things could get. That you could get killed for who you are. I'm sorry," she said looking at the floor.
      Killed! "Who told you that?" I asked.
      "When I said it was no big deal. Dad told me, that he saw on the news last week, that some gay guys were murdered in a park. That the hatred of some people against other's being different can be used to justify most any action."
      "It'll be OK, Cathy. I don't think things will get that bad," I said. Mostly trying to convince myself. I only thought I would have to worry about getting beaten up!
      "So what are you going to do Cathy?" said Tony, almost with a growl.
      She looked up at him and kind of shrank back. "What do you mean?"
      "So what if you're sorry. What are you going to do to help?" he replied.
      "What can I do? Why should I..." she started to say.
      "I'll tell you why," Tony interrupted, "because if you don't start reversing the rumor that you started, I'll see to it that a rumor starts about you. About how you like multiple guys at the same time. That you like to be forced and no matter what you say you love it. I know a number of guys on the team who are into that kind of thing."
      I was shocked, "Tony! That would be as bad or worse than what she did to us."
      "Exactly," he sneered.
      Cathy was crying. She was turning, about to leave.
      "Wait Cathy. Tony, you won't do that? Will you?"
      "Not if she helps out," he replied.
      "But how?" she croaked out.
      "Let's see," Tony sat back to think. "You could say that I was trying to be friends with Ben so that I could get to you. But when you found out, you were angry, so you spread a lie."
      "But why would I do that?" she asked.
      "Because you already have a boyfriend, and you didn't want him to find out that you would dump him for me, if I was really serious."
      Her eyes got wide. "That's almost the truth." She looked down realizing what she'd revealed. "It might work.
      "Oh, Mom said dinner will be ready in about ten minutes."
      "OK. Thanks Cathy," I said. She left. I looked at Tony. "Would you have really said that about Cathy?"
      "No. But I wanted her to feel the fear, that she's put us through."
      I nodded, even though I thought it was mean.
      "So we're going to try to hide?" I asked.
      "If we can. It's going to be hard," he said.
      "Let's go to dinner," I said. We got up from sitting on the edge of the bed. I hugged him. When I looked up, he kissed me. His tongue entered my mouth, but for the first time, he didn't touch my hot spot. Was he scared of my reaction? Sigh. It felt wonderful holding him though. I pressed against him and shivered. He broke the kiss.
      "Wow, you sure get turned-on quick!" he said.
      Sorry, what can I say. I just gave him a squeeze. "Let's go."

      Dinner was nice. We had spaghetti and salad. Cathy was quiet through the whole meal. We just talked about the weather, world news, and I found out more about Tony's football games. He had games just about every Friday evening. The next game will be at another high-school. He had practice for two hours after school, almost everyday. He had skipped practice today, to see me. After dinner, Cathy went to her room. We all helped clear the table. Dad said that we needed to talk about about our situation. We went to the living room. Tony and I sat on the couch, close, but not touching.
      Mom started. "I called the school, this afternoon, to see what they could do to help." she looked at my Dad, "they couldn't offer any help, they said it was all our problem. Even when I pointed out the potential of violence," she looked at Tony, "they said that happens with kids, can't do anything about it to prevent it. They suggested the boys not provoke anything with any overt displays."
      This is not good. We haven't done anything in front of anyone!
      "I've asked around too," Dad said. "There were some hints about gays organizing, but no one could help with anything for youths. Most were shocked that I would talk about such things. More than once, it was suggested that we just kick Ben out."
      Oh god!
      Dad looked at me, "That will never happen Ben.
      "Even though the we're in the middle of the so called sexual-revolution, it looks like gays are not included," he said.
      "Maybe we can just hide again," I said. "Tony and I talked to Cathy. She might be able to reverse the rumor that she started."
      "That might work, but people tend to believe the worst about others. Once it starts, it's hard to reverse," Mom said. "But that might be your only choice, until we can find more help."
      "The biggest problem is your safety," Dad said. "You'll need to be very careful in public..."
      "Dad, we've been doing that for years. That part is not hard," I said. "But I guess it might be harder if Tony is around, I haven't had practice with hiding that." Tony was smiling at me.
      "This isn't very satisfying, but we'll talk more," Dad said. "Is there anything else we need to talk about?"
      "Well," Tony started, "I was wondering if we could talk to a doctor."
      "What's wrong," Mom quickly asked.
      Oh no he's not going to talk about that with my parents! "Tony!"
      He looked at me and took my hand.
      "Please Tony, don't say anything," I whispered, "it's too embarrassing."
      He squeezed my hand.
      "It's just something private that we need to talk to some one about. Maybe a psychiatrist?" he said.
      Whew.
      "We can ask around," Mom said.
      "Any preference for who you would talk to, male or female?"
      Tony thought. "A gay male or a woman would be fine," he said.
      They nodded.
      I wanted to change the topic. "Uh, Cathy mentioned that some gay men have been killed?"
      "Yes," Dad said, "we saw that on the news last week. Two men were murdered in a park frequented by gay men. I told Cathy that, because she thought this was all a big joke. She had to understand how serious hate can be.
      "I forgot to mention, that you two need to know that this will be a safe place for you. We'll try to keep things quiet, but you need to have a place where you can let your guard down," Dad said.
      "I did come across a friend, at work, who pointed out how lonely it is to continually be hiding. It's hard for me to understand, but I'm starting too see. He also pointed out that suicide of gay teens is much higher than regular teens. Both of you need to know that no matter how bad things may get, we'll be there for you. There are always options better than killing yourself. Even if you don't stay with Ben, you can come to us anytime Tony."
      "OK," he said.
      "Another reason for hiding," Mom said, "is you might not be sure that this is how you want your life to go. It's a really hard life..." Dad was shaking his head at her. "Well," she continued, "you just need to not close all the doors."
      "OK Mom," I said. Tony nodded, but he squeezed my hand. I squeezed back. I'm staying with you Tony!
      "Well, I guess that's enough for now," Dad said.
      We nodded.
      "Actually, I should be going home," said Tony.
      "OK, we'll see you around," Mom said.
      Tony got up. I didn't let go of his hand. We got outside pretty quick.
      "Whew, that was intense," I said.
      "No kidding!"
      We were in the breeze-way, out of sight of the street. Tony pulled me into a hug. He felt nice and warm, especially in the chilly night air. We just stood there, neither of us wanting to move. Then Tony pulled back a bit and found my lips. He kissed with soft gentle licks and kisses, no deep intense probing. It still felt very nice. He held me back and we looked into each other's eyes. It was so intense, I almost looked away, but I didn't.
      "Bye, lover-boy," he said.
      "Bye, hot-stuff," I replied. I grinned. I guess those names are sticking.
      We then did a quick kiss and a hug. He left for his car. He looked back and we waved as he went around the corner. I wanted to be alone, so I went to my room.

      I sat on the side of my bed. I feel so lonely without Tony now. Why can't he stay and sleep with me? Oh sure, like we would sleep. Sigh. I'm the one who keeps holding back on going further, but that's all I seem to think about!
      I laid back and thought about the afternoon and evening. It feels like two days have passed. It was only this morning that I was depressed about breaking up with Tony! Now we seem to be together even more than before.
      But now we have to pretend we don't know each other. Back to hiding and acting like I'm alone. Well, I guess that's better then really being alone. I wonder if Cathy's reverse rumor will work? It's a big school, who knows? Anger. This is ridiculous. We're alone with this! Even my parents can't find anyone to talk to for advice?! I've never seen them so stumped over what to do. They always seemed to have all the answers. Well good, they are starting to see how unfun it is to hide something like this. Anger. I don't want to hide anymore. We're not hurting anyone! Apparently there are some out there willing to hurt us. There's another reason for wanting Tony, I feel safe with him. He's not afraid to confront others. I'd rather avoid problems, but if he got in a fight, I'd try to protect his back and look for any advantage. I hate thinking along these lines, but thinking about how I will react with different situations will help me react quickly, rather that standing there wondering what I should do.
      Sigh, I'll think about that later. I would rather think about holding Tony. And kissing him! What happened this afternoon was incredible! I'd like to try that again. But it seemed to scare Tony. Hmm, no solution there. We'll just have to wait to talk to someone.
      I spent the rest of the evening watching TV. Then I went to bed thinking about Tony holding me. Man, I've got it bad. I'm in love with Tony. What was that! I love him? I fell asleep smiling.

      The rest of the week we didn't see each other at school. We talked on the phone each night. The harassment seems to be almost disappearing. I noticed fewer stares now. Tony went to the game at the other high-school. Our team lost. He called me late. He said he could come over today, Saturday.

      Tony came over a little after 1pm.
      Mom went to get groceries. We stayed in the living room, sitting next to each other on the couch. I put my arm around him and turned to kiss him.
      "I want you so much Ben. When are we going to do it?" Tony said. I sighed and looked down.
      "You're such a tease," he said. Ouch. There it is again. I thought he could wait. I didn't want to argue. I turned towards him, swinging my leg over his lap an knelt straddling his legs. He had a surprised look on his face and was looking a little red. I put my hands on his shoulders and rubbed them up and down his arms and biceps. He put his hands on my waist.
      "I really want you too Tony, but once we start... I, we need to know that we have more in common than that." He looked a little hurt now. Oh no, almost angry. I looked down. "That's what happened with me and Dave. After I said we needed to cool-it, he left and won't hardly look at me anymore. Not that I want to talk to him after the things he told other people about me."
      "I don't think he told many others. Certainly not anyone who would cause problems. Actually, if he hadn't said those things, I probably would not have noticed you," he replied. "I'm still sorry about what I said the first time I talked to you. Maybe this is your way of punishing me?" He was grinning.
      "No. It's OK now." I leaned in to hug him. What does he know about Dave? I leaned back.
      "So how do you know Dave?" I asked. He started to talk, then he noticed how closely I was watching him. He looked away and squirmed. Now he knows what I mean.
      "Well there's nothing going on between me and him. There used to be, a few months before you."
      I just nodded, for him to continue.
      "Well we didn't do much," he said, then he looked up at me. I could almost hear his thought: 'not as much as what you and he did.' I looked away.
      "Anyway, when I tried to kiss him, he said he didn't go for that kind of queer stuff. We stopped getting together.
      "I hadn't seen him for over a month, but we were passing in the hall. I stopped and we talked. I asked if he'd found someone else to play with. He mentioned you, and told me the things that you and he had done. That blew me away. He then said that you had the same problem I had. You wanted to kiss and hug. That was the moment I realized I wanted to meet you. I asked for your name. He wasn't going to tell me, but I think he was just having fun, because he offered to point you out to me during lunch."
      "Ah, so that's how you knew me," I said.
      He nodded. "I watched you for a whole week. I even walked right in front of you one day. You didn't seem to even see me. I was going nuts looking at you and fantasizing, so I got up the guts to talk to you."
      "Then, I burned you with my reply," I said.
      "Yeah. I thought I'd really blown-it, or that Dave had pointed out the wrong guy. So I talked to Dave again. He was laughing at how I was sure that he was wrong about you. Man, you are a good actor Ben, I was convinced that you were straight. So Dave described in even more detail what you guys did. I thought I was going nuts before, now it was intolerable. I spent the rest of the week thinking about how to approach you. Just before I finally got the nerve to talk to you again, Dave told me to just be myself."
      Wow! That was a neat story. Tony looked up at me, kind of worried. I smiled at him, and put my hands on his cheeks, stroking his skin. Time for a kiss.
      I leaned down to kiss him. As I did, I slid my arms under his and around his back and snuggled up close. As I pushed against him he slid to the side and laid down so that I was now on top of him and my hands were stuck behind his back. His hands were rubbing my back while we kissed. He pushed his tongue deep into my mouth and licked it around my tongue. I licked his tongue back and sucked on it a little. Then I pressed down and opened up to get more of it in. He moaned and slide his tongue under mine and hit the spot that made me reel with pleasure. I moaned now and squeezed him with my hands to let him know that I really liked it. He spread his legs, and with his hands, he pressed on the sides of my legs, so that I would move them between his. His tongue backed off. I moved my legs between his and as I pulled back from the kiss he moved his feet over my legs so that I was pined.
      "Wow, that was incredible!" I said, as I pulled back to to look into his beautiful brown eyes.
      "Would you like more?" he asked. Then I noticed he was hard and using a hand in the small of my back to press me on to himself. I reflexively started to pull back. He held me tight with his arms and legs.
      "It's OK," he said. I relaxed back down onto him and sighed. I pushed myself at him and felt myself getting hard.
      "Yes, it is. You feel nice Tony."
      "You really are someone special Ben. Not to mention really hot-stuff."
      "Mmm." I snuggled up to him. Then I heard the jingle of keys outside. "My Mom!" I moved to get up. Tony tightened up and held on to me. "Let me up!" I hissed.
      "No. I want to see how approving your parents really are," he answered. I struggled a little more, but then I just relaxed when the door opened.
      "Oh," she said as she came in with an arm full of groceries, "Hi guys."
      "Hi," I said. "Uh, sorry but he wouldn't let me get up." I struggled a little to demonstrate.
      She smirked, "Do you really want to get up?"
      I started to to blush, "Not really."
      "Then you're OK," and she walked into the kitchen to put the groceries away. I relaxed back down onto Tony and sighed.
      "Man you are tense," he said, chuckling as he rubbed my back. I didn't know what to say, I was still shocked by what happened. He must have been tense too, or getting hot with me on him, because I could smell his sweat. I took another deep smell of him. I turned my head and whispered in his ear, "I love you Tony."
      He hugged me tight. "I love you too sweetie," he whispered back. I leaned up to look at him smiling. This position was starting to get uncomfortable, but I moved in for a kiss. He pressed my head down with his hand behind my head, while his tongue pushed in to find 'that spot' again. Then he hit it, I went ridged. He paused a moment, and I felt his hard penis pressing up. Oh, no, not here, my Mom is in the kitchen. I can't do this here. It was too intense. I pulled back. It wasn't easy, because I had no leverage. Tony let me pull back. He had a worried look.
      "I'm getting uncomfortable, can you let me up a little?" I said. He removed his arms and legs off me so I could move anywhere. I thought of getting up, but he had a worried look. So I moved my legs up to kneel across him and I pulled my hands from under his back. I sat up and shook them around, because they were tingling. I grinned. "My hands were starting to fall asleep." I put my hands down on his chest, then remembered my Mom, so I moved them to his arms, and I snuggled down on top of him again, kissing his neck.
      "Ah-em. Would you like to stay for dinner Tony?" Mom asked. I partially sat up. He had his hands on my waist. He glanced at her, then looked at me smiling at him, with my eyebrows raised, pleading that he say yes.
      "Sure," he said, "I need to let my Mom know though."
      "OK, we'll eat around six o'clock" and she went back in to the kitchen.
      I started to lean down to cuddle some more when my sister came in. She looked at us and said, "Eww, do you have to do that in the living room?" she moaned.
      "We're not doing anything," I said.
      "Not yet," said Tony as he grabbed my shirt and pulled me down to his lips. he wasted no time going right for the sensitive spot. With periphial vision, I saw Cathy stand there for a moment, then she fled for her room. I started laughing. Interesting, it's not possible to kiss deep while laughing. I turned my head and laughed into Tony's neck. Tony was laughing too.
      "You guys shouldn't tease her," Mom called out from the kitchen.
      "Do you know how many times I've had to watch her and Joe making out?" I replied. No answer. Hmm.
      I'm thirsty. "Would you like something to drink, Tony?" I asked, as I got off of him.
      "Sure. I'll have some milk."
      I stopped to turn on the stereo and tuner. "Want to find a good station?"
      "'K"
      I came back with two milks. After we each drank about half a glass, the song "Crimson and Clover" came on. One of my favorites. I looked at Tony and smiled, just watching him. He set his glass down. And stood up.
      "Come here," he said, and took my hand to pull me up. He lead me to the center of the living room, pulled me to himself, and started slow dancing with me. Mmm, this feels so good. I nuzzled into his neck and kissed him there. His hair tickled my nose. We pressed together. I could feel his hard-on, which he was rubbing side to side against me.
      "Uh, Tony," I whispered, as I pulled back a bit. He just chuckled. I pushed back at him, but he didn't move side to side as much now.
      The song ended and the song "Sugar" started. He must have found a top-50 station. The beat was way to fast to slow dance to. He pulled away and held my hands. He started moving me with sort of swing-dance moves. I started blushing. I'm a klutz at dancing and hate making mistakes. But he took it slow and moved me through some spins and back and forth moves. He was leading, so it was easy to follow what he wanted. Wow, this really is easy. Now that he had taught me about four simple moves, he started us going faster to match the song's beat. After about three minutes, I saw my Mom looking at us from the kitchen door, grinning. I froze and just laughed with embarrassment. Tony looked back and saw her. He just grinned and pulled me into a hug.
      "You don't know how many times I've tried to teach him how to dance. You two looked good, together," Mom said.
      Tony was sweating. Mmm, his smell is such a turn on. But I was too embarrassed to continue dancing.
      "I think, I'll call my Mom and let her know I'll be here for dinner," Tony said.
      I watched him walk away. This is an afternoon to remember.

      Tony was driving us to the psychiatrist's office. I was navigating. I thought back to the first part of the week. Saturday was wonderful with Tony. We had a nice quiet dinner, after we danced, then he and I cuddled while we watched some TV with my family. Tony couldn't come over on Sunday. Because of all the football practice, it's his main homework catch-up day. Monday, Mom told me that she had found a psychiatrist who could talk to Tony and me. She asked if Wednesday at 4pm would be OK with Tony. I called him and found out that he could leave practice early. Things at school seemed to be almost back to normal.
      So now we were on the way to see this woman psychologist, who was near the downtown park.

      "There it is," I said pointing at a six story office building. Her office was on the third floor. We waited in the reception room in separate chairs next to each other. I was nervous, as usual, but Tony seemed so calm. A man left the main office. Then the door opened again, and a small woman came out.
      "Hi I'm Dr. Martin. You're Ben and Tony?" she asked. We got up.
      Tony held out his hand and said, "Yes, I'm Tony."
      "I'm Ben," I said, and shook her hand. She had one of those handshakes where only the fingers are offered. It feels kind of creepy. Oh well.
      She directed us into her office and for us to sit on a couch, while she took a single chair across from us.
      "So I talked with your Mom, Ben," she said as she looked at me, "She told me that you're a couple and that you have some questions."
      I was turning red already! I raised my eyebrows in surprise.
      "It's OK, I've worked with gay men before, but not often with young men like you two."
      Wow, she called us young men. Cool.
      Tony started, "Well we had some questions about... sex, I guess."
      Jeeze, Tony, just jump right in! I interrupted, "Uh, Dr. Martin, this is confidential, right?"
      "Absolutely," she assured. "Nothing you say will be repeated to anyone. Well, I might talk to some colleagues, but not with your names. Only illegal acts, that may cause immediate harm to another person would be a problem."
      "Is sex between two guys illegal," I asked.
      "Not in California," she said.
      "What about age?"
      "Ben so long as no one is getting hurt, I don't see that we would have a problem here," she said, trying to look reassuring.
      "Now, Tony?" she asked, looking at him.
      He's blinking at me, not sure if he should continue. That's strange. Oh, that's right, he thinks he hurt me.
      "Tony wants, to ask about something that happens when we kiss," I said looking at him. It's OK Tony. He nodded and smiled at me. Then he looked at the Dr.
      "Yes, uh, when I kiss Ben a certain way, he gets, well excited."
      She looked at him and nodded.
      "One time during kissing, he seemed to be having a seizure. For about a minute he wouldn't stop. It felt like a lot longer though."
      Huh, he told me it was a few seconds.
      "Was he breathing," she asked.
      "Sort of, but it scared me. He only stopped after I got off of him, and shook him a little..." his voice cracked. He cleared his throat.
      "I see," she said. "How did you feel Ben?"
      A minute! No wonder you were scared Tony. That would scare me too.
      "It felt great! But it was kind of like I blacked out. Actually it was more like a white-out. Everything was bright and intense, but that's all I can remember."
      She nodded. "Has this happened before?"
      "Yes, but not to the same degree."
      "Was it with kissing too?" she asked.
      I looked at Tony, I looked down, trying to think of a half truth. I was wringing my hands. Tony reached over and took a hand with both his.
      He whispered, "It's OK Ben, remember Dave told me about you and him."
      Oh, that's right. It's still not easy. "No. Dave doesn't kiss."
      "Was it with anal sex?" she asked.
      I nodded, blushing. I must be bright red now, because I was remembering the feeling of Dave in me. I didn't look at Tony.
      "Is the feeling localized to one place or all over?" she asked.
      Oh god, do I have to describe it all in detail? But, I want to know the answer to what this is. Just detach, pretend it's not me, just talk about it like any other body function.
      "It starts out at one place, then any place and every place were I'm being touched makes me, uh," me cum! Think of something else. "have a good feeling, but I haven't cum."
      "No ejaculation?" she ask.
      I shook my head. "None."
      "Does this happen multiple times or only once?" she asked more.
      "Huh?" I thought I had already said it's happened before.
      "I mean, within a short time, do you have the same good feeling," she clarified.
      "Oh. Well, yes. And each time is stronger."
      "OK," she said. "Sorry about the embarrassing questions. You don't have anything to worry about Ben. What you feel is a kind of orgasm that is more common with women. Your whole body gets involved. It's rare with men, but it can happen. I've heard that with anal sex, it is more likely, but it is still rare."
      Tony is beaming at me. Now he's going to really want it!
      "Actually the trance-like state is quite rare, even with women," she said. "You're pretty lucky Ben. I can see why it would be scary though."
      "Wow," Tony says. "You mean, it's OK? It can't hurt him?"
      "Oh, Tony," I giggled, and shoved at his shoulder.
      "Now he's going to be more insistent," I said looking at the Dr. "I want to wait, but he wants to do more now." I shrugged.
      She nodded, "That's a problem that is common to many couples. There's no easy answer, other than it is certainly OK, if you both are ready."
      I nodded, "He said he could wait."
      "I can Ben, but I'm just checking to see if you've changed your mind," he said.
      "You'll be the first to know when I've changed my mind," I said laughing. Tony laughed too.
      I looked at the Dr. again. She was smiling. "But it doesn't seem fair to Tony that his kissing sets me off, but I don't do more for him," I asked.
      She looked thoughtful. "Is that OK with you Tony. Do you feel like that's a problem."
      "Oh no, I like making him cum," he blurted out. Then he turned red, when he saw my shocked face, and realized what he'd said.
      "He's always making me blush," I said giggling, "Finally, I get to see him embarrassed.
      "Do you know what he said to me, when he first talked to me?"
      "Ben!"
      "Sorry, Tony. I guess it's funny now." I looked at Dr. Martin. She had a questioning look, but I wasn't going to say anything more. I just smiled at her.
      "Oh OK," said Tony "you can tell her."
      "It was something like, 'Dave says you are a good lay, would you like to go out with me?' If he hadn't mentioned Dave, I would have blasted him more then I did. Mainly I was scared."
      "Of being found out?" she asked.
      I nodded.
      "That's another topic we can talk about. Ben's Mom said that you two will try to stay closeted," she said.
      "What's that?" Tony asked. I figured it was a term for hiding, but I wasn't sure.
      "It means you'll keep your relationship secret. More generally, you'll keep your sexual orientation secret." she said.
      "Well it's not totally secret," I jumped in, "My family knows."
      "Yes, there are different levels of being out," she replied. "How are things going with other people?"
      Out, closeted, where are these terms coming from? Oh, she's asked how things are going.
      "Well things seemed to get really tense last week when my sister blabbed about us. But things seem to be calming down, now that she's reversed her first story, I think." I looked at Tony. "You haven't told me how things have been?" I said to Tony.
      He looked down. "It's not as bad as last week, but most of the team members will barely talk to me. They don't joke around with me much."
      "It's hard, hiding something that is so fundamental to yourself," she commented.
      He nodded. "Actually I'm more worried about my family. My Dad is always telling faggot jokes around me. One time he said if I didn't start going out with girls, people will start to think I was a fairy. Mom's even made comments about my not going out with girls. I just tell them that I'm shy around girls."
      "It's hard to know what people's real reactions will be when they find out. Sometimes people already know, but they don't want to confront the problems. Other people may feel very threatened, and react very badly."
      So. I already knew that. She must have notice my blank stare, because she continued.
      "I don't have much help for when or who you can tell. But you might consider this. If you are getting closer to someone, so that there is more trust, and it is taking more energy to stay closeted than it would to deal with the person's reaction, even if it is bad, then it might be OK to come out to that person. Unfortunately, you'll still have to risk that that person may reject you. If you think the other person might become violent, then you might want to never telling them or make sure that you are in a safe place, where other's would help you, if there were problems."
      I nodded that I understood. Tony was looking worried. Probably thinking about his Dad.
      "Coming out gradually is probably best for guys your age, because many teens are trying to identify with themselves sexually, and they can be easily threatened by gay people," she said. "Also, many teens are experimenting, so you don't want to get labeled, in case you don't want to follow the gay lifestyle."
      I'm NOT experimenting! I looked at Tony and squeezed his hand. He squeezed back and looked at me, smiling. I grinned back. "I'm not experimenting," I whispered to him. He nodded.
      When I looked back, I saw she was looking at us closely.
      "Anyway, after you tell enough people, you will eventually be as out as you need to be."
      I felt sad. "You mean I won't be able to hold his hand or hug him in public?"
      She shrugged. "Many straight couples have trouble showing affection in public. You'll have to be the judge of how you think people around you will react. Some gays consider that a problem for others, if they can't deal with it, tough! But in your case, I would try to stay safe, until you have learned where it would be OK."
      "You mentioned other gays," I said, "but how do we find them? At first I felt alone by myself, now I'm feeling like it's only Tony and me."
      She looked away and thought.
      She looked back at me. "You know how easy it is to stay hidden, if you don't act on your feelings. So you are not likely to met any closeted gays, until you are more out. So that leaves, others who are mostly out. Hmm, I could ask some of the gay men who've come to me, but it might be better to find a gay couple who has been together for a while. I can ask some colleagues for some referrals, if that's OK with you? Also I should get your parent's permission first."
      "No way," said Tony.
      She nodded. "It might be OK, if only Ben's parents are told then."
      I nodded.
      "OK, I'll see if I can find a gay couple for you two to talk to.
      "Our time is just about up. Is there anything else?" she asked.
      I shook my head. Wow, we might get to talk to someone like us! I looked at Tony. He had a wide-eyed look. I squeezed his hand and he looked at me smiling.
      "I've got to say that, from what I've seen so far, you two communicate very well with each other," she said, "So you two are off to a good start."
      That's a nice compliment. "Thanks," I said.
      She stood up. So we did too. As we stepped towards the door, I sadly let go of Tony's hand as he walked ahead of me.
      "You look like you could use a hug Ben," said Dr. Martin.
      Tony stopped and I bumped into him, because I looked at her. Really? Tony pulled me into a big bear hug. I put my arms around his chest and buried my face into his shoulder, and sighed. I squeezed him and rubbed his back. Then I pulled away. Tony still had his arm around my waist. I was trying to hold it together.
      "Thanks, Dr. Martin," He said, and shook her hand.
      I just nodded, but I only glanced at her. Why did she do that to me? I was OK until Tony hugged me.
      "It'll be OK Ben. Just give me a call if you or Tony would like to talk more," she said.
      Whew, I got control now. "OK, thanks," I said. I won't let her jerk my chain anymore, though.
      Tony opened the door and I got out of there quickly. Things seem to be getting better, but there was so much to think about.
      On the ride back I was thinking about what was bothering me. Why did I feel depressed at the end of the session? Things actually seemed like they should have been better. Was it the meeting that we might have with another couple? Nope, that could be fun. Being closeted? Hmm, that's annoying at times, but not depressing. The orgasm explanation? Like a woman. But I'm not a woman. I don't want to be a woman. But do I act like one?
      "You're kind of quiet, Ben. Is everything OK?"
      I jumped. "Yes. I was just thinking about what Dr. Martin said."
      "About what?" he asked.
      About having orgasms like a woman. Is that what he sees in me? I sure hope not. OK here goes.
      "Do you like me because I'm like a girl?" I asked him.
      "Huh, where'd that come from? I don't think you're like a girl. I like guys, and you definitely are a guy."
      But I'm passive and seem to cry a lot. Sigh. I don't want to dispute what he said though. The first thing he said to me, 'I heard you're a good lay', was what most guys would like to say to girls they are attracted to. Of course guys learn real quick that that approach rarely works.
      Tony is squirming. Is he getting nervous by my silence?
      "Does it bother you when I get on top of you, or hold you down?" he asked.
      Yes I bothers me, because I like it so much, but I don't know why. I like it when he takes control. What does he really want from me?
      "Ben?"
      I looked at him driving. He glance at me with a questioning look. OK, let's see where this goes.
      "No, I like it when you get on top of me Tony. I like it a lot. But is that what you want? Does it bother you that I'm so passive?"
      "You're far from passive Ben! You let me know what you'll allow. But you respond intensely to what you do let me do. I'm amazed that I can turn you on so much."
      "Doesn't that scare you?" I asked.
      "Before we talked to Dr. Martin, yes. But now I see that it is just how you respond."
      "Sometimes I like being in control. But not much," I said.
      "You're very much in control Ben, like I said." He was glaring at the road and gripping the steering wheel tightly. He's angry? Oh, my limits on what we can do.
      "I didn't mean that Tony, I meant being on top."
      "Oh," he said relaxing. "You've been on top."
      I laughed, "Yeah, I remember the last time. I was on top, and I couldn't get up when my mother walked in!"
      He grinned.
      "But I didn't mind that much. I like being held by you Tony.
      "Do you like being held Tony?" I asked.
      "Well of course, but I feel you holding me all the time Ben."
      I don't think he understood what I meant. Oh well, I'll just have to remember to hold him, sometime, the way he holds me.
      Tony took the freeway exit that leads to my house. We are about ten minutes away now.
      "So what do you think about meeting another gay couple?" I asked.
      "That would be cool," he said. "Maybe they can clue us in to more words and stuff. Like I'd never heard the terms closeted or out. Also the top/bottom topic that seems to be bothering you."
      Hmm, top/bottom. I hadn't thought of it quite that way.
      I chuckled. "You'll probably embarrass the hell out of them, with that line of questioning. I couldn't believe how you just started out with Dr. Martin."
      He shrugged, "I thought that was what we were there for. It turned out OK didn't it."
      "Oh sure. It didn't answer everything, but at least we know we're normal. Uh, for who we are anyway," I said.
      "I don't know, she said you were pretty rare. Though I wish you were bare."
      I groaned, now he's getting silly. We traded grins at each other.
      He chucked, "Sorry, I get almost high, just talking with you."
      Man he's good with the complements!
      Tony pulled into my driveway. Hmm, only five minutes to get here. Oh well.
      "Would you like to come in?" I asked. Though I was ready to plead.
      "I have a lot of homework," he said, "well, maybe for a little bit," he added after looking at me.

      That night I thought more about the visit at the psychiatrist. and afterwards.
      Tony did come in and we said hi to my Mom. She asked how things went. I told her it was really useful. Also I told her that Dr. Martin may find an older gay couple for us to talk to. She seem a little surprised by this, sort of like she didn't like the idea. So I mentioned that Dr. Martin would probably talk to her about that more.
      Tony stayed about ten minutes. I wanted to get him into my bedroom, but there wasn't time. He had to get home to dinner. I walked him out and we had a wonderful kiss in the breeze-way. He left me feeling all weak and tingly.
      Sigh, I won't see him again until the weekend, because he has practice and homework. Friday nights are out too, with football games. Wait a minute, I can got to the game and see him play. I could see what he spends so much time doing. He must enjoy it.

      Thursday I was in my room before dinner.
      "Ben, Tony's on the phone," Mom called out.
      "Thanks." I ran to the phone in the kitchen.
      "Hi hot-stuff," I said into the phone. Tony better be the one I'm saying that to.
      "Hi lover-boy," he said. Whew. "How you doing?"
      "Fine," I said. I moved around the corner, into the other room, away from my Mom at the stove. I shut the door on the phone cord.
      "Have you heard from Dr. Martin?" he asked.
      "No. I guess she's pretty busy. It might be at least a week before we hear from her.
      "You all ready for the game tomorrow?" I asked
      "Yup, we'll probably beat them," he said.
      "Say Tony, would it be OK for me to come watch you play?"
      "Sure, but I didn't think that you liked football."
      "Well that was before . Now I have a boyfriend who plays football," who I want to see..., hee hee, this will get him, "and I would like to watch him run around the field getting sweaty with the other guys," I said, trying not to laugh into the phone. I heard him groan.
      "Are you blushing?" I asked.
      "No."
      "Yes you are, I can tell."
      "OK, OK. How am I going to be able to play, knowing you're thinking that, while you're watching me!"
      I chuckled. "I'm getting better at embarrassing you!"
      "And I know exactly how to get you back too," he said, with an evil sounding laugh.
      "Do you promise?"
      "Ah, you think you'll enjoy it. We shall see," he said, with another fake evil laugh.
      Whoops, now that I've got him going, how do I turn him off? Darn, I can't think of a come-back. Oh well, back to the football game.
      "What time does the game start?" I asked.
      "At 7:30. You'll probably want to get there before 7, if you want a good seat."
      I saw Mom motioning to me through the door's window. Oh dinner is ready. I nodded back.
      "I have to be there even earlier to warmup and get the last minute game plans," he said
      "OK. I'll be there. I need to go to dinner in a bit. Can I see you after the game?"
      "I don't know, I usually go out with the guys, especially after we win," he said. "But, that was before. It might not be work out that way now. I could give you a call around ten to let you know. Would that be too late?"
      "No, that'll be fine," I said. Not really, but it was better than nothing. "Well, I have to go."
      "OK, bye lover-boy."
      Hot-Stuff? No, something different. Ah.
      "Bye my boyfriend. I love you Tony."
      "I love you too Ben. Bye." <click>
      Whew. I can't wait till Friday night.

      At dinner I told Mom and Dad that I was planning on going to the game on Friday. Dad offered to go with me. At first I thought of saying no, but Dad driving us there would be a lot easier and warmer than riding my bike. Besides, I really didn't want to go alone.

      Friday, after a quick dinner, Dad and I left for the high-school. I'd never been to a game. It was pretty exciting with the stadium lights blazing. Even though we were there before 7pm, there was still quite a crowd. We found a place near the 50 yard line and up high enough to see over the heads of people walking around the side lines. The band would play some catchy pieces. But the trumpet was the funniest, when it would play 'charge,' and everyone was sort of obligated to yell "charge!" It was silly, but energizing.
      Finally it was 7:30. The home team stand was packed. The visiting team side was only about a third full. The players came running out. They introduced the players. I wondered if they always do that. I looked for Tony. I didn't see him till they called out his name and he waved. "18, Tony Meyers." I hardly recognized him. He was huge in the uniform. I felt a pang of love. That's the guy I care about. You other guys better not hurt him. Get a grip Ben, isn't that the whole point? After the introductions, the band played the national anthem and most people sang along.
      OK the game started. It was just like any other football game, but I noticed that I liked watching it live. I hate watching football on TV. Now what was different? Sure being in the crowd and hearing the band makes it more interesting, but there was something else. Well of course Tony was playing. So far I'd seen only one pass thrown towards him. A number of times I saw he was open, so why didn't they throw it to him? Maybe that's what's interesting, I'm can see the whole field and see where the ball doesn't go. TV only shows where the ball goes. There was a pile up that looked like it included Tony. They got up and there was a guy still laying there. Whew, not Tony. The guy was able to get up after a bit. The next play Tony caught a pass, and ran it up to 5 yards from the goal, before being tackled. They scored during the next play.

      The second quarter ended just after the other side kicked. Half time now. The band started marching out on to the field. Someone sat down beside me. I looked over. Dave! I jumped.
      "Hi Ben," he said, smiling.
      "Hi Dave." I leaned back. "Uh, this is my Dad. Dad this is Dave," I said to introduce them. Dad reached out and they shook hands.
      "Nice to meet you Dave," said Dad.
      "Nice to meet you sir."
      Dad stood up. "Would you like something to drink or eat Ben, or Dave?" he asked.
      Ah, he's leaving to let us talk. "Sure, I'll have a coke," I said.
      "No thanks," said Dave.
      He left.
      "It looks like your boyfriend is playing well tonight."
      "Dave! Shhh," I whispered. How loud did he say that? Could other's hear?
      Dave just shrugged. "Man you should hear Tony talk about you! You'd think he had found a greek god! Or in your case a goddess."
      I slugged him in the arm, but not too hard. How could he guess that's a sore topic with me.
      "Owww," he said. Then he gets a glint in his eye and a smirk. "So have you two fucked yet?" he whispered.
      What! That's all Dave thinks about, I guess. "Dave, you're so crude."
      He shrugged, "So I guess not yet, eh?"
      He's making me uncomfortable with this topic, with all these people around. I scanned around. Was anyone listening to us? Doesn't look like it. The crowd noise and the band seems to be masking our conversation well. Actually, I'd rather he go away. I looked at the band marching on the field.
      "Well I came over to invite you to ...tee," Dave said. I didn't catch the last word, because of the noise.
      "What?" I said, looking at him.
      "I said you're invited to a party. A special one tomorrow night at Dennis's," he said. He gave me a surprised look at my blank stare. "You haven't heard about Dennis's parties? Well ask Tony. I'm sure he has. Actually Tony has to come with you. Only couples are invited. Here's the address and the time." He handed me a piece of paper.
      "Huh, it's for gays," I whispered
      "Hardly!" he said.
      "Oh. Will you be there?" I asked.
      He nodded.
      Hmm, only couples. "So who are you with?"
      He just shrugged and grinned. "Come to the party and you'll see." Then he got a serious look leaned towards me, and whispered "Actually both of you really do need to be there, because there is some serious shit going on that involves you and Tony. There may be some help there."
      "What do you mean?" I asked, now feeling scared.

Author's note: Yup, another cliff-hanger! Got to keep you looking for the next chapter. Well there are plenty of other very good stories to keep you entertained while I slave away writing the next chapter.
Actually I'm having a blast writing this! Where else can a writer get almost instant feedback and see that others are actually reading his stories? Have you all realized that you are part of a huge new publishing paradigm! Give it all away for free, then collect the rewards later. (Well, I can dream can't I :-)
Anyway, chapter 5 will probably be the last one for this story. Now you really have something to look forward to, because you know Tony and Ben will... well you know ;-).

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