this is
a collection
of things i've written, and also things that have been written to
me. it includes journal entries, emails, and other stuff too once
i work on it. it is deeply personal, and i'm not even sure if i
should be sharing it with the outside world: but i am. cuz i
think it makes a good story.
until august 15th, i will be away from my previous journals,
and have access only to my one that i started on the computer,
and to my emails. so it will be sudden and rather too recent.
this thing's gonna take shape slowly but it is gonna take shape.
so.
my life
ITEM: email
to: youth13-17@youth-guard.org from:
wineberry subject: hellooo! it's mee!! ... also intro for newbies
guess what!?!?!? i'm baaack!!! excuse the bubbling. i am sooo
happy to be back.... it was soooo hard to be away so long. i
never got to officially post that i was leaving, but i did.
actually, i am not back, that is a wrong thing to say, but my
puter is now with me. i now reside in maryland for the summer.
i understand that there are a copious amount of newbies shifting
newly about, so i guess i'd better introduce myself. if my
girlfriend didn't introduce me periodically, as she often does in
my absence. i need to get out of this wordy style. blah. anyhoo,
i'm morgan, aka wineberry, one of your assistant list managers
(dykes turn to me! i'm the only female on the staff!), a
left-handed lesbian who is pagan and likes music and languages
especially melissa ferrick, melissa etheridge, ani difranco,
welsh, italian, and spanish. wow, succint. oh, and i'm the m in
m&m (malia and morgan) and we met through the list and are
quite happy, thank you. also something i post about a fair amount
of time because it comes up a fair amount of time when talking to
a support group, is that i cut myself. well, i'm trying to stop.
i think that's me in a nutshell. all i care to tell y'all,
anyhow. (o:
i luvs yalls muchly, i really do.... it's very very late. but an
upside is that i'm now on the late side of the country rather
than the early! which means, i can stay up later and have more of
a chance of still having people to talk to. on aol im'er i'm
wineberri, and my icq number is below in my sig. feel free to say
hello, i'm very friendly and i don't bite. hugs, morgan
~~`~~`~~`~~`~~`~~`~~`~~`~~`~~`~~`~~`~~`~~`~~`~~`
http://www.northcoast.com/~morgan/ icq:1651956
this love is our chance to be people who're having enough ~f.
days si free: 2 and counting...
ITEM: computeramble
5/14/98
ani difranco on singing the next big
thing so it'll be hard to defocus and let myself type without
just getting into the music. i guess when the music goes off by
itself then i won't put more on so i can defocus more and just
let go into the words. for now i'll keep typing it really is very
enjoyable to type for some reason and i really am quite fast not
looking at the screeen at all in fact closing my eyes just
letting go of course it reluctant can you play the game act it
out frame for frame...
no song bad. i guess i should turn off the music but it's so
good. she says is so good me and kristen
kristen and i wish i even had that much but i don't.
you know sometimes i think i always have to have some secret,
something to make me intense, special, i don't know what exactly.
ashamed of this. but i am not so worried with cutting now that i have kristen to worry about maybe it's just
what's my biggest worry i still want to cut
of course but i'm not obsessed with it... i'm obsessed with kristen. it's bad, because i should try
and steer myself away from her to malia.
malia is my love, i have commitments to her, i love her, i
would never in a million years want to lose her. but i don't want
to lose kristen either. really i am
extraordinarily lucky, i can be very very good friends with kristen and lovers with malia with no suspicion. like me to want
more this is not stream of consciousness this is too coherent
stop trying to explain because it's the first time but every time
i retreat farther there is ani's
voice a wonderful voice of course i love it i do i love it i love
to lose myself in the music so much and i am thankful for my
ability to do so, but right now that's not what i'm supposed to
do. argh fighting it is against the point i'm quitting fighting
only one more song so i'll let myself talk about music
eyes closed, keys pleasant under fingers
wonder why typing is so pleasant...
i don't wear anything i can't wipe my hands on... used to be sig
quote
good quote
ani has so many good quotes
typing is so much faster than writing, my goddess. i remember
when that wasn't so. how limiting, to have to write. the shadow
is black on the black pavement making the black pavement look a very faded brown-grey. cities might be pretty for
some, even me, but i want more green.
the only green out the window that i
see are a few leaves on one tree. yes, i should be thankful for
one tree at all, but i don't know... i want everything to be green when i look outside, green and brown.
ever noticed how few other colors show up in nature? sure there
are flowers, small patches, but for the vast majority it is green and brown,
and greyish.
brown like malia's eyes... brown like her
voice
velvety buttery rich warm brown love brown brown is malia
still deep cooling healing green love green
green is kristen
and i thought of that metaphor before, my two favorite colors, brown and green,
but goddess how true.
how true
and the cool thing is kristen's eyes
are green, malia's
brown. brown
and green. how can i choose between brown and green?
yet i tell to the world that brown
is my favorite and green a second,
not saying that such a close second i really shouldn't be able to
choose
true for colors and for people
why do i have to keep the green
hidden?
no reason, just the way it happened. i wouldn't want to keep the brown hidden either. can't have both,
want both the same, tied to a choice i made six months ago.
only six months funny
seems like i've been with malia
forever
loved her forever
she is a lot to me yes but i forgot
no one is everything
kristen heals me better than malia, though both are good soothing
healing elements, because that is the definition of a friend
malia warms me better than kristen, though both in their way can
bring the sun out from me, because i need that in my lover
malia how could she interpret it
right? how can she see the vast, vast, vast warm simmering love
and commitment i have for her just for her she is unique special
whom i chose to spend my life with and i do not regret that
choice. because i love kristen does
not mean i love malia any less. i
love her too much to damage the trust so i stay true in the
letter and can't help loving kristen
in the spirit
and i'm glad to do it this way if i have to do it rather than
hiding the brown and showing the green, because the empathy with green is something easier in words than
the empathy with brown
so i can tell her my secret and she understands
ITEM: email
to: kristen foery from: wineberry
subject: speaking of love
5/14/98 8:59 AM
you ask how much you should give, expect, and receive
take what you can, give what you must, cause
whatever's for us, is for us
~joan armatrading.
ah, i wish quotes worked into papers i wrote for school as well
as they do into emotional letters. i thought about it last night
and this morning, and this is my desicion. if you make a more
limited desicion, i will respect that, but i think this is
reasonable.
it's really not that different from how things have been, except
before neither of us wanted to put a cap on things because we
both secretly wanted them to go farther in some part of us, i
think. (i know for me, i think for you.) then they got too far
and you put a cap on things. i should have done that too, but i
couldn't. yet, anyway. it's wrong not to know where you plan to
stand, to let yourself be swept away by feelings, and even so i
was deliberately skirting stating where i stood because i was
greedy. but now that you've said something to force me to not do
that anymore, it'll be okay. i won't be unfaithful. i won't do
anything that malia would be hurt by - i can't help feelings, but
in my actions. but i'm still going to love you. i'm not going to
tell anyone that i love you, because i can't, and i'm going to
steer clear of the subject of sex, at least when it threatens to
turn me on (i can't avoid it completely with you! who would i
tell stuff to!), but other than that i will let my love for you
come out as much as it wants. i won't feel guilty about it. i
love you too much to ignore it. i thought in some secret place
even in my hurt that came across as anger that i was crazy anyway
and i really loved malia most, that this sharing a secret and the
tension of the moment was all that was bringing me closer to you,
but when i heard your voice i knew that wasn't true. i knew i
loved you too much to hurt you... i never would have let myself
say those biting things if i had been really aware of that. i'm
sorry.
i don't know what you think about yourself, what your definition
of polyamory is, etc, but there are many layers. to me what i've
read rings true, but that doesn't mean i'm going to be
nonmonogamous. i have a commitment and love that is deeper than
my sexuality- i always said that if malia were a man, i'd still
love her and want to be with her. same goes here. maybe it could
have been you that i gave even that much commitment to, but it
didn't happen that way and we're both in a place where it can't
happen that way, so even though the feeling is as strong, you
will be secondary to malia in my considerations, just as i am
secondary to dana. i feel much more right about things now. the
lines between friendship and love are very blurred, sex being one
obvious thing and everything else being very undefined, and while
i know that the feeling crosses the line, i know that it would be
too hard for me to stop that feeling, if i could which i doubt.
so what i can do is seem to not cross the line from an observer's
point of view. that means i can still be tender to you, still
tell you i love you, etc. and i'm going to give me, and you, that
much, because i have to. i hope this made sense, and i hope it's
all right with you. i know clearer where i stand after last night
-- i probably could have seen whenever i wanted to, but i didn't
want to. but clarity is the best way to rightness.
i love you.
morgan
~~`~~`~~`~~`~~`~~`~~`~~`~~`~~`~~`~~`~~`~~`~~`~~`
http://www.northcoast.com/~morgan/ icq:1651956
this love is our chance to be people who're having enough ~f.
days si free: 2 and counting...
ITEM: email
to: youth13-17@youth-guard.org
from:wineberry subject: i'm sorry i didn't sound more excited on
the phone
5/14/98 5:18 PM
i love this song. i love this album. (morgan refrains from
quoting the whole
song, or at least all the words). *halfhearted smile*
i don't feel great emotionally. i don't have a reason except that
neither of
the reasons i came home to get on the puter for showed. dammit.
(morgan
pounds on the keyboard and begins to cry) it will be all right.
it will.
(morgan collapses and lies twitching on the floor). agh! why does
this
matter so much? i've only been waiting an hour and 15! *cries*
maybe i'll
call one of them and have them get their butts online.
this house has only one line. i keep feeling guilty about the
busy signal.
maybe i should just stick to email and not wait for people to
come online
when they *won't* and just get online to check it. yeah, right.
like i can
stick to that.
man, i feel shitty. i wonder why. i better not write more.
but i posted!
morgan
~~`~~`~~`~~`~~`~~`~~`~~`~~`~~`~~`~~`~~`~~`~~`~~`
http://www.northcoast.com/~morgan/ icq:1651956
this love is our chance to be people who're having enough ~f.
days si free: 3 and counting...
ITEM: computeramble
5/15/98
it's friday i want to call so many of you today
malia kristen
dite
i dreamed last night as if things need to be more complicated
that dite and i made love
it was cheating but we both wanted it
some of the best dreamsex i've had,
not like there's been that many...
still thinking of the dream
ITEM: email
to: youth13-17@youth-guard.org from:
wineberry
subject: must have blown a fuse somewhere, it's so dark in my
mind
5/15/98 7:41 PM
all my subject quotes lately are ani. wonder why.
i read the list mail today and i felt like i'd been away so long
that i
don't even know anyone anymore... it's not the same list
anymore... it
depressed me. i cried when i read kim's post... yeah, so i'm too
sensitive.
it felt like everything in it was directed to me, though. )o:
that was the
only post i ever saw by her.... i have been away so fucking long!
if i
weren't a staff member i might quit. i feel like i don't deserve
to be a
staff member... sigh. i hate depression.
it's too damn hot. i hate this state. well, i don't really. just
in summer.
and i still haven't got a fucking job.
i have a huge headache.
grr! all i can do is complain! what the hell is wrong with me!
hmmmm... i doubt anyone read this anyway.
so it doesn't matter.
i really hate depression.
morgan
~~`~~`~~`~~`~~`~~`~~`~~`~~`~~`~~`~~`~~`~~`~~`~~`
http://www.northcoast.com/~morgan/ icq:1651956
this love is our chance to be people who're having enough ~f.
days si free: 4 and counting
ITEM:
computeramble
5/20/98
kristen
you had to go sooner than i was ready to let you. i feel small,
and forlorn. to console myself, i write.
what do your breasts smell like? do
they smell like mine, a peculiar lovely soft womanly scent? how
would they feel cupped in my reverent touch? how do they look
when you lie on your back, are they soft and round like puddles? kristen, would you ever let me feel them?
pucker the aureole and feel it soft and crinkly between my
fingers? how do your breasts taste? do they taste like they
smell, or just like plain skin? how
does any of your skin taste? how
does your mouth taste, are your lips
as soft as i imagine?
how could a thing so purely pleasure, and wonder, and love be
wrong? why doesn't she want me to love your body? beautiful like
everything about you is beautiful. i want to hold your hand when
we go to pride, kristen. my love for
you is so full, so complete. no other love could take anything
away from that. i only want to love you, not to take anything
away from anyone.
your religion teaches denial of the pleasures of the flesh. mine
teaches fulfillment. i think pleasure, joy, love are innately
right. always right, in a pure form. and it's like my love for
you was distilled over time, in many ways i had to learn to love
you, it grew but not in a rush. that's almost more beautiful than
the rush of love i shared with malia.
how long will 'i love you' hold out without exploring just what
that means?
still, i love you, no matter what.
ITEM: email
from: wineberry to:
youth13-17@youth-guard.org
subject: everybody loves a loser right, *right*, RIGHT?
5/20/98 3:39 PM
i love chris mcguire. wow. (o: (that's where my subject line is
from.) has
anyone on the list heard of her or of mary fortune express? i got
their cd
free from hidden water, they even paid for shipping, and it
rawks. the best
free thing i've ever gotten, maybe.
guess what! i'm happy today! no, really! actually bona-fide
feelin' okay.
so i'm basking in it, and i thought it would be a good time to
post.
i went to dc to do gay stuff. can't tell, because it involves
stuff that
must be hidden from certain listees. but anyway it was very fun.
i had a
good time.
anyone going to pride in dc this year? we picked up a thing on
it. there's
activities for frickin ever! it's a far cry from our dear little
parade we
have in arcata... but if people are going, maybe i could meet
y'all
sometime. i dunno. i'm not gunna go if there's no one to go
with.... i would
have people to go with in arcata this year... sigh, sob. oh well.
(o: next
year....
i really hope i can find someone to go with, tho.
anyway. dc ain't such a bad city. i don't think i'd even mind
living
there. if i lived in a city at all. but if i lived in a city at
all, i'd
live in san francisco, baltimore, or one in another country.
la dee da... how about everyone's home town, are you all going to
pride
there? is there one? tell us all 'bout it!
good people get online! sigh. anyway. cya's all later.
morgan (who is happy! and doesn't want to cut!)
(my sig got eaten... i have yet to rewrite it.)
ITEM:
computeramble
5/21/98 i should give details: on monday malia
and i opened our relationship. right to me, this, so right to
love more, to love without guilt. i was never into guilt about
loving. i think loving is right, like i said, just right, love is
never wrong. if malia had a problem
i wouldn't have to act on the love, but i really think it can't
hurt what we have. i love both of them so infinitely, and love is
a wonderful sensation. so wonderful. the sex
is only a part of it, but i think there's nothing wrong
with the
