Swingers Advise Column

Do you have burning questions about the swinging lifestyle that need to be answered?
If so, send an email to TheSensualSandbox@yahoo.com and we'll do our best to help you out.

Tabitha & Ryan

My wife and I have been married for 13 years and are both in our late 30's. We have a couple who are close friends that are very attractive. Recently we were at their house and we all got a little too much to drink after a day of playing basketball together.

My wife was in their hot tub with our male friend and to my jealous surprise they began getting very close and physical with each other. I was upset and expressed my surprise to them. I had witnessed looks and touches between them in the past but this was in my face with no communication beforehand about their intent. They both got out of the hot tub and spoke to me. My wife wanted to feel his rhythm as she put it and he was embarrassed but eager. I sheepessly consented and became involved with kissing and masturbation with the woman friend. I really enjoyed it but still feel funny about the lack of communication I recieved from them before the fact. I am receptive to future encounters but still have visions of them in the hot tub that make me jealous. I want to overcome these feelings and enjoy this new phase of our relationship but am struggling. I find the other women is in my thoughts alot. Any thoughts or suggestions?

Curious in NH

Tabitha:
It seems to me that your wife is quite ready to explore the swinging lifestyle. I suggest that you talk to her about her intentions and what exactly she wants from this experience. She may only be interested in this fellow, and it would be fair of her to let you know that. Many couples have long term relationships with just one special couple. This would a much more emotional relationship than the traditional "one night stand" encounters.

Is your relationship strong enough for this?

Do you have a similar agenda with your female friend?

Are you ready to deal with the strong emotions attached to a long-term relationship?

The first emotional relationship is the most exciting and the most dangerous. You will be mapping new territory and will have a great deal to discuss. You may find that you need to set boundaries at first. As your comfort levels increase, expect these to change to match your increasing comfort levels.

Our first couple remains very dear to my heart and always will. I will forever cherish their friendship.

Ryan:
She is a very lucky woman. This could easily have turned into a bad situation. We all fantasize about these types of situations but with feelings involved, they can backfire seriously. It is amazing that you did so well given that you had little to no warning.

I would suggest that you explain to your wife how you felt and question why she did not discuss this with you before acting on her feelings. If you are seriously interested in the swinging lifestyle, you must have open communications. Only through open communication can you have a chance against jealous feelings.

Tabitha:
You will get the best results either at a club or via ads if you are specific and clear about what you are looking for. There ARE others out there looking for YOU! It's always easier if like-minded couples meet, that way there are no surprises!

Ryan:

There are a couple of ways to get started.

Swingers ads are very often available in most areas. Either in papers or on the internet. The advantage to the internet is that you have faster feedback. Thanks to the internet, we are the NOW generation.

The other option is couples clubs or swingers clubs. The advantage to a swing club is that you can dip your toes in safely to test the waters. You have the immediate feedback of whether you are interested or not and can proceed at a pace that is very comfortable to you. It really is like the dating scene.

There are two clubs in CT listed on NASCA at http://www.nasca.com/states/ne.html

Tabitha:
Chatting with other swingers is a great place to start. Swingers can be fun to chat with and they look forward to meeting new people, especially those whom are open and honest about what they are looking for.

The best advise I could give, since there is an abundance of single males that are interested in this Lifestyle is: Read a Harlequin Romance Novel, cover to cover. If you can envision yourself as the male in the story and are capable of "Going The Extra Mile" to please a woman without offending her mate, you will be sought and fought after!!! HAPPY SWINGING.

Ryan:
Being a single guy in the lifestyle can be a challenge but challenges can be overcome.

Some swing clubs will allow single males to attend. This is probably the best way to go but can be pricey.

The next route is placing and responding to ads. You will need lots of patience.

Meeting a female partner who would like to give it a try also. This probably requires lots of patience but could be lots of fun with the right mix.

Tabitha & Ryan

Hi. I'm 27, married and in Edmonton. I want to start by saying a big "Thank you" for the site you have put together. I can tell it has taken a lot of time, effort and money to put it all together. I respect and admire the transparency you have both demonstrated in detailing the intricacies of this lifestyle.

I have done a lot of reading on your site over the last couple of weeks and I feel overwhelmed with a sense of naiveté toward the subject. While I have grown quite knowledgeable of the subject of swinging and its intricacies so thoroughly described by your writings, I am left wondering what could have been had I acquired this knowledge before I began dating.

Like I mentioned, I am married, have been for nearly 7 years. We have 3 incredibly wonderful kids. Our marriage has been rocky from the start and we have made it this far primarily because of family, friends and church encouraging us to stick it out. I feel very confident in myself, who I am as a person and my qualities. However, on the contrary, she is quite insecure and self-conscious. I would love to move into the swinging lifestyle with her, but she is certainly not for it. Primarily because of the restrictively religious home she was raised in and firm believe in monogamy. I feel a strong drawing to lifestyle I have recently become acquainted with but I am held back by the decisions I made when I was much younger and naïve.

Any suggestions for me would be greatly appreciated.

Tabitha:
We know several other couples that have similar dilemmas. They all handle it differently. The difference with them is that both agreed to see what the Lifestyle had to offer them as a couple. A few came out to the club just to test the waters and then disappeared for a year or so to further sort out what they were looking for. One couple's arrangement is that they only go to the club once or twice a year, and only on her terms. This may seem unreasonable at first, but she is slowly becoming comfortable on her terms, which in the long run is better for him.

As Ryan has taught me, there are no wrong choices in life. We all do what seems right at the time or we wouldn't have done them. Do NOT forget the reasons you had for following the path you took in life. Each and every day we are faced with choices and we make decisions that effect the rest of our lives.

Ryan:
Thanks for the very positive feedback about our site. We really appreciate and have worked hard to put the different feelings that we've had into words. To try and share what we went through and how we changed over time.

I believe we all think back and wonder what we would have done if we had known all we know now.

There is a Christian Swinging Website http://www.libchrist.com/ that may help. We haven't gone through it to determine the quality.

Swinging alone could be damaging to your relationship and leave you feeling emptier than when you started. It's definitely better experienced as a couple.

In regards to the insecurity. We have both found that it has made us incredibly more secure. We were both quite shy when we started swinging.

Tabitha:
For me, I always think that the direct approach is the best approach. If we are interested in a couple, I am quite obvious if I am interested. I ask questions about what they are interested in, and find out what "level" of Swinging they are at. If they are showing interest back, then I ask if they are available that night or if some other time would be better. Remember, there is no written rule that everything has to happen RIGHT NOW!!!

Ryan:
It depends on the situation.

When at a swing club and you want to play. Luckily, we have a hot tub as it helps. We ask if they would like to join us for a hot tub. Before we had it, especially with new couples, it was awkward to break the ice. You could invite them home for a drink, then find that you're all sitting there staring at each other.

Luckily, Tabitha is very direct. 99% of the time, she will break the ice when we get home.

When we meet through an ad, we will meet for drinks. You can generally tell if everyone is interested as the conversation seems to go well and not feel too awkward. Don't worry if the conversation is not sexual in nature. Mixed conversation is often much better. Then, if we are interested in playing, we'll usually ask directly if they would like to get together.

No real easy solutions. If they are interested in the same thing as you it is okay to ask. If they are not interested in playing with you, they will usually have an excuse to get them out of the situation gracefully. Respect this. Also, have one of your own. As much as this is an open lifestyle, no one likes to hear. "Yeah, we'd love to have sex with another couple, just not with you two."

Also have your signals setup. Let your partner know you are interested in taking it further but also respect that they may not be.

Example...

Ryan: <Looking at Tabitha, winks> "Well, what would you like to do?"

Tabitha: <Looks at Ryan and smiles> "I don't know, are you ready to go?"

Ryan: <Smiles>

Female: <Looks at her partner> "Yes, it's getting late we should get going."

Tabitha: "Would you be interested in joining us for a hot tub?"

Male: "That would be nice, can we take a raincheck though as I have to get up really early tomorrow?"

Ryan: "You bet, you're welcome to come over anytime."

Hope this helps...

Tabitha:
Any new experience is scary, but always remember that YOU are in control of the situation. Dealing with a single female has it's advantages and disadvantages. For your first time I suggest that you find someone who has already had a threesome experience and can make you both feel comfortable. Your first experience should be a pleasant one! I agree with Ryan that meeting in person is more productive, but that doesn't mean you should bypass the internet as a resource. Just pick a spot to meet, and have a ready excuse to leave if things don't look good. Remember, there are no promises expressed or implied when arranging a meeting! HAPPY HUNTING!!!

Ryan:
I have attached a link for a listing of several clubs in New York. Hopefully there is one near to you.

http://www.nasca.com/states/ne.html

Ads take a great deal of time and patience. Messaging back and forth, trying to ask the right questions, setting up a meeting and then it still may not click because of some little detail missed.

Meeting at a swing club you get that immediate feedback. Attraction, body language, and open communication.

We have found that as our experience has grown through meeting people at the clubs, we are more successful with meeting through ads. You get to know what is important and which questions to ask.

Tabitha:
It takes a secure relationship to survive this lifestyle. Having said that, what I suggest is appealing to HER secret desires. If the first thing you offered her was a single, good looking, handsome, muscular, (oh, am I getting carried away? Sorry)! Anyways you get my meaning. Or perhaps she has secret desires to touch a woman, to fondle soft and voluptuous breasts and kiss a woman's lips (here I go again)!

The point is, that may be the key to unlock the door to both of your dreams and desires. After all, this is something you can share with each other in a way that proves your love and commitment for each other.

Ryan:
She's probably a bit nervous because of that dreaded seven year itch. When it's play and in the heat of passion she is comfortable with as it heightens the moment. When you talk serious, it brings all of the fears crashing home and scares her.

For both Tabitha and I, we were previously married. As a result, it was much easier for us to discuss this openly without many of the normal fears. It still took me five years to convince Tabitha that it was worth trying and still in the end, she only tried because she figured she was going to loose me anyway. Now, different story, she probably enjoys more than I do. Certainly loves dressing up sexy and playing.

This is actually very common, the woman goes into the lifestyle reluctantly and then enjoys more than the man.

I told Tabitha that I was seriously interested in getting into the lifestyle, why and then tried to find her information to support my reasons. Our first adventures out were to attend an Exotica, Erotica fashion show. Then we went to a gay dance club. When we finally went to a swing club, it was very tame in comparison (no onsite sex).

Be open, be honest about your feelings and make her feel comfortable that going to a club and talking openly about the idea will not bring up your marriage or change your feelings about her.

Hope this helps...

Tabitha:
It is very different for the female because the more confidant guys approach the girls and start the conversation out on the dance floor. So even if you are shy like me, the female gets involved READY OR NOT !

A tip I would give is to sit and observe the groups for a short time keeping these thoughts in mind:

1) Be aware that not everyone there are swingers.

2) That couples that are already with someone are not likely to be looking for new people to play with.

3) Also watch closely and you will see a number of couples who are only interested in the female.

Another tip for those whom really have trouble in the shy department, Try a different club. Each club has it's own character. We met most of our good friends at one club that made it easy and comfortable for us by their warmth and friendliness towards new couples. From there we both gained the confidence to "Go Forth And Seek New Adventures" OK a bit of trekky came out, sorry about that!

Ryan:
I personally find starting conversations difficult and stressful. If I have a reason, such as business, I can do it. We have been going to swing clubs for three years. The same club can be different each night. The people who are there, the general mood, it all seems to affect how much people are mixing.

I find it easiest to ask a couple if we can join them. Then start the conversation off by introducing ourselves and then general things like, how long have you been coming to this club, are you new to the lifestyle. This will either get a conversation going or it will die right there. I find if they can't help carry their side of the conversation, it likely isn't worth the stress.

Hope this helps and it does get a bit easier over time.

Tabitha:
For me, this is a chance to express the true me. I can be as sexy or demure as the mood dictates. If you are adventurist, watch for the theme nights where most often a fun theme requires specific dress such as Leather, Tattoos & Bikers night, etc. Nothing is too wild or crazy, and jeans and t-shirts work too. How you act and what you wear are the windows to who you are and others will be assessing you by that. You will attract like minded people by being yourself.

Happy Swinging!!!

Ryan:
The clothing that most wear to a swing club is as varied as going to the local night club or bar. There will be guys there in t-shirts and jeans all the way up to very nice clothing.

Women, the same all the way to very sexy, sheer outfits. My personal preference of course.

The best rule. Be clean, wear what you are comfortable in, and try to dress as a couple so that you both are dressed up or dressed comfortable. Remember, it's just like dating!!!

My husband and I have been interested in this lifestyle for quite some time now. We've been together for 9 years. We have actually been with another couple but it didn't really turn out well. We were hoping for more interaction between all of us rather than the actual swapping of partners that happened. Anyway, my question is about an insecurity I have that I just can't seem to shake or learn how to deal with... In my husband's eyes I have always been 'the best.' He had only been with a couple of women before me so I wouldn't doubt the sincerity of that statement. What I am afraid of is that if we get into this lifestyle deeper, he will get the chance to be with women who are much better than me. Women who excite him more, who kiss sexier, who have better orgasms, who give better oral sex.

I'm afraid that he will enjoy others so much more than he ever will me again and I will feel small and inadequate. Is this 'demon' something I can conquer or should I give up any thought of being able to handle this lifestyle?

Thank you.

Tabitha:
You should start out with a strong relationship. Know and trust your partner FIRST. Then when new experiences happen, you will have a strong foundation to talk, discuss and reassure each other of the strength and commitment you have in each other. Also discuss honestly, what the motive is for entering into this lifestyle. For virtually everyone, it offers the opportunity to experience something and someone new. You will be going through the same experiences he is, so he may be having the same insecurities as you!

Our first encounter was not what I'd visualized either, but now we are comfortable expressing our desires, and more experienced in picking the couples that want similar experiences. As you meet others you may also change your ideas. I know we did!

Remember, every new experience teaches us something about ourselves. That is why we crave adventure. These new friends you will meet, are going to teach you BOTH the meaning of passion and excitement. ENJOY !!!

Ryan:
I personally was very fortunate to be given the wisdom of a bartender very early on in swinging. "Eventually you will see someone doing something to your partner and getting a reaction that you have never gotten." Very wise words, and true. What I didn't realize is that for me, it would have nothing to do with sex. In fact, for me it involved teasing on the dance floor. Tabitha decided to get very wild with a guy that she wanted and had him pressed up against the wall with his shirt undone and was kissing him wildly and passionately. This probably wouldn't have bothered me so much if she hadn't turned down some of my playfulness not 15 minutes prior.

So to answer your question, trust a bartenders wisdom when it comes to human psychology. That one thing better may be from where you least expect it and, even if you never get into swinging, it could happen anyway. So go with what feels right, enjoy life and be understanding to each other with the feelings and changes that you'll go through.

Tabitha:
Perhaps the two of you need to sort out things at home first, before you enter into anything as trying as swinging. This lifestyle can sometimes be hard even on the strongest of couples. Communication from both of you will be the key to success in your relationship, swinging or not. It's important to understand and agree with your partner's motive to swing. If the experience is not satisfying for everyone, then you might want to re-consider your options. This lifestyle is not a quick fix to a bad relationship, and I can guarantee that it is the fastest way to end a relationship that is not already rock solid.

Ryan:
Everyone has good qualities and bad qualities. Obviously she was drawn to you for good qualities.

We all make compromises in order to live with someone. Are the compromises something you can live with? Are the compromises fair? Only you can answer these questions and yes they can be very difficult questions as they involve change.

Have you discussed your concerns? Often the other person does not realize what stress they are creating, they see that they are only trying to make things better. Be honest, be open...these are secrets to creating a healthy relationship.

Some time ago, about 10 years ago, my wife wanted to try kinky play with other couples, and singles. We started off with a guy from her work, the guy and I being with my wife at the same time. Well, neadless to say she loved it and it turned me on to watch her with another guy.

After a few sessions like this, she started asking me to go down on her after he left. She said it would turn her on to have me lick another guys cum out of her, so I did. This lasted a few times, then one time she asked me to go down on her while he was screwing her. They were on their sides doing it. Well I did, sucked and licked her clit which she loved, and right after he cam in her she pushed my head down to her hole, tell ing me to lick it out of her. This was the first time she had me do it when he was still with us.

A few times later I was working late and she called me to tell me since I wouldn't be home for a while she was going to have a few drinks with some people from her work.! Around 9 p.m. I went home and her car was their as well as his. When I came in the house she was on top of him riding him real hard. She smiled at me and told me to come over and kiss her. We kissed while she was pumping him. She pished my head down to her nipples, I sucked, the she puched it to her clit and layed back with him still in her. I licked and sucked on her clit. Then she slid his dick out of her and held it out while pushing my head down and telling me to open my mouth. Why I did, I don't know, but I opened it and she put his dick in my mouth and told me to suck it.

She removed her hand from around it and replaced it with my hand. She wimpered in my ear that this turned her on. She layed next to him and they kissed while I sucked him. She put her foot on my head and started pushing my head down as I sucked. Every time she pushed, his dickwould go down my throat and I would gag on his big dick. She giggled and told me to suck it fruit boy. After a while, he said he was going to cum and I removed my mouth from his dick. She sat up and pushed my head back down on it and said, "If your going to suck dick like a faget you're going to swallow cum like one". Just then he shot his load in my mouth. I swallowed as much as I could but some went down her hand and down his shaft. She told me to lick it off his dick and suck the rest out of him. After I did, she said clean her hand up to.

Later that night after he left she told me how much she liked me sucking his dick and swallowing his cum. She said she knew I liked it to, because I shot my load on the bed as soon as he cam in my mouth and no one was tuching me. She said I better get use to sucking cock because, she wanted me to do it all the time. Since then we have had sex with other guys and couples, she always told me to suck their dicks, and told the gals that I like to suck cock and swallow cum, so they always wanted to see a guy suck off their husbands. Since then I have talked the neighbor kid into letting me suck his dick, did it a lot, and he also did me.

My wife continues to tell her new girl friends that I'm her blow job baby, and lets other guys know that I suck dick. My question, am I gay? I do like the feel of a dick in my mouth, love to swallow hot cum, and probably would take it up my bottom, if my wife gets her way. She is trying to talk these two guys into both doing me, their wives are also encouraging them. My wife and her girl friend say I am a faget, and if I get screwed up my bottom, that will confirm it. How can that be if I still like to be with a female? I don't think I would have ever done any of this if my wife wouldn't have been there, encouraged me, and continue to encourage me to suck dick.

Tabitha:
I believe that there is nothing wrong with exploring our sexuality. Whatever forms or shape it comes in.
For us, swinging is the chance to learn and grow. A chance to explore in areas of fantasies that we might never have been able to if not for this lifestyle. Enjoying sex with men does not make you gay as far as I am concerned. I enjoy sex with women and don't consider myself a lesbian. If you look at Kinsey's scale, you will see that there is no black and white and that they scale is ever changing. We don't like labeling and find that it can be disconcerting, but the reference is there for your interest.

Bi-sexual men are still a rarity in the Lifestyle, and unfortunately will remain so for some time to come. But that should not prevent you and your wife from exploring like-minded couples and having some great fun.

Just a quick note on the side, if I may, You and your wife are in this together to have fun, and as long as everyone is having fun, I see no reason for your wife to make comments that make you uncomfortable. Perhaps she is teasing you, but she might lighten up a bit since this is all part of HER fantasy, after all.

Ryan:
I'm unclear as to what part is bothering you, the fact that you enjoy having sex with men or that your wife calls you a faggot because you enjoy it.

Unfortunately, you're living in a double standard world. Well, part of the world. North American culture is one of the few that frowns upon sex between men. There is a tribe in South America that is considered to be one of the fiercest on the planet. There, the men only have pleasure sex with other men. For them, sex with a woman is considered dirty and should only occur when they wish to reproduce. So, if you existed in their part of the world and enjoyed having sex with women, you would be considered weak.

I know, I know, this probably does nothing to make you feel better as we live in a North American culture. The reason I brought this up is to show you that who we have sex with has no biological bearing on who we are. We control who we are and who we want to be.

If you are having oral, anal, vaginal or whatever kind of sex with another consenting adult, who are we to judge you? It is your right to choose how you want to enjoy yourself. As long as no one gets hurt, it's okay.

If your wife calling you a faggot is bothering you, I would ask her to stop. It is not fair for her to take pleasure and to cause you pain.

The last statistic I saw indicated that 57% of the male population is interested in exploring their bisexuality. We see very little male to male sexual activity in the swinging community and it is believed to be the result of the fear of STD's. It is predicted that when a quick test or cure for AIDs is available, the amount of male bisexuality in the swinging community will increase.

Tabitha:
Traditionaly in the Lifestyle, bi-males have not been welcome because as I have read in the only book I have found on the lifestyle, that the fear of sexually transmitted deseases has been the main deterent. But most likely it is the result of the high number of homo-phobic males that are attracted to the lifestyle for their own pleasure.

As is everything, the times are a-changing and people are becoming free in their expressions. This lifestyle does attract extremes from both ends of the spectrum, and I forsee a loosening of the old standards.

We are very liberal thinking, and may not reflect the majority at this time. But have noticed a few brave souls that are making their intentions be known.

Be true to yourself, seek what is right for you both, and with patience, you will find what you are looking for, they are out there.

Ryan:
Thanks for the positive feedback. We are trying to provide our readers with useful information in an enjoyable format.

There have been several studies done that indicate male bisexuality is higher than female. Yet, when we look around, social acceptance of female bisexuality is higher. Why?

In our own gentle probing, we have discovered that male bisexuality exists in the lifestyle. Unfortunatley, it is very underground. If you come into the lifestyle and you are bi or bi curious, do not feel disenchanted. Be confident and comfortable with who you are. If you encounter a couple who is open, you'll know, broach the subject...gently. You will discover that you are not alone.

Hi,

My husband (common-law for five years) and I have recently started talking about experimenting in the swing lifestyle.

Our story is a bit like yours, one night we were watching a documentary about the lifestyle and my husband jokingly broached the subject. We discussed it in a "what if" sort of context but never seriously as I have some very big hang-ups about the whole "my husband having sex with another woman" aspect of the lifestyle. I am not an overly self confident person, I am working on that, and I tend to look at myself and get depressed about what I see.

During a trip out of town my husband informed me that he had spoken to the women who is part of the couple that we were visiting and had learned that "if we get into this we have found the right couple and she and I both admit that we want to have sex with one another." This was bad timing all around for me, given my personal feelings and I felt sick to my stomach for days and was an emotional basket case. I felt that he was looking for a conscience free way to sleep with other women because he no longer found me attractive (our sex life had hit a plateau about a year ago and it was virtually non existent) and I admit I did not react at all well to the prospect.

We have a very strong, emotional, and loving relationship that has already withstood many obstacles so I was not afraid of loosing him that way, but sexually it was a real possibility to me. We had a lengthy discussion and I finally told him how I felt (not good about myself and that I was rather depressed) and we talked about ways to work on that. We have had some great success already, our sex life is almost as active as it was when we first got together five years ago, an amazing feat considering that we have two kids and the youngest is four months old now, in that respect the swinging lifestyle has already helped us out as the conversation would not have taken place had the subject not been brought up and we would still be were we were a month ago.

Now we are discussing actually partaking in the lifestyle. I still have some concerns that I was hoping you could help me deal with as I have nobody I can discuss this with and my husband, dear as he is too me, can be a little pushy and his responses to my concerns tend to be of the "oh, that will never happen" variety, and to be honest that doesn't help me any.

I have three main fears. One is that I don't want to have the "same room" experience, I am not comfortable with the idea of having to hear or see him having sex with another women, and he is into the idea of a group orgy. He is convinced that it would turn me on, as the idea of another man involved with me turns him on.

My second concern or fear is that he will find someone that attracts him more and is more interesting to have sex with and he will stop "coming home for it" so to speak.

The third is a dilemma that we both have. I don't want to be "friends" with the couple, I don't want to have them over to our house with our kids, I don't want, basically, to become friends with them as we would with a non swinging couple. My husband on the other hand prefers the idea of friends, as in the friends we have that may be part of the lifestyle already. I feel threatened by this notion, you are friends with them because you have an emotional connection to them and if you through sex into the equation things tend to develop, it is how people start out before they get seriously involved and eventually married (at least that is what I was taught as I was growing up).

As you can see, I'm not quite ready to make the final last step but I hope you can also give me some pointers on how to deal with the "morning after" when I am. As my husband says (for him) some people jump out of planes or go bungee jumping to get that rush, he sees partner swapping as the way we can get our rush. Thank you for listening and any response would greatly help me.

Feeling a little out of my league,

Tabitha:
Thanks for the great letter as your feelings are very usual in the beginning and I always feel that everyone benefits from this kind of honesty.

Getting straight to what I think is the point; I fully understand your fear about being friends with another swinger couple. This would invite feelings and emotions into the relationship which you find to be threatening. This is a realistic fear. Having sex with another person in the most intimate thing you could do with them.

We have encountered two basic types of swingers.

1) Those whom wish to have swinger friends.

2) Those whom do not.

Personally, I cannot fathom having sex with someone that I do not consider my friend. Not to mention the fact that I never have sex with just anyone whom offers, rather I have to be attracted to them, not just physically but also emotionally.

Maybe that's why same room sex is our preferred. We want to be a part of whatever is happening to each other. It makes it a lot easier to trust your spouse and to have those all important "morning after" talks. We always go for brunch the next day and talk about the evening. We openly tell each other about our feelings and discuss whatever different things came up. And believe me, something new always comes up! The best part of all of this is how this has improved my self image and confidence level in myself. I would never have guessed that having this much fun would benefit me so greatly. I am no longer the unconfident person I was two years ago.

Ryan:
It is okay to go into swinging with some insecurities, as I think we all do. You will experience situations that you are very nervous about. Be sure though that you have an understanding that as soon as you say no, he understands and will respect your request. Have a word that only you two know that indicates to him that you are getting too uncomfortable.

Ironically, after the initial shock, the female deals with the situation much better than the male. You'll find that you quickly discover yourself sexually and sensually. Is he prepared for that.

Visiting a swing club might be a good first step. If you're in Edmonton, either of the clubs is very comfortable. You'll find that you go away sexually charged. If you're in another city, look for a club that does not allow on premise swinging. This will be much more comfortable for you. We've met couples that attend a swing club and have never swung. They enjoy the energy, conversation and dancing that is only found in one of these clubs.

Dear Ryan and Tabitha:

We are a happy couple and have been together for 11 years, married for 7. We started investigating swinging several months ago, and have met several couples. So far we have only had two experiences, one couple (completely oral), and another couple (full swap, same room). The second couple have made an obvious effort to maintain friendship with us, despite the fact that they moved several hours away shortly after our get together. They seem like really good people, and our families get along very well. The problem is this: I feel very jealous of the other woman, and constantly feel there is something more to her relationship with my husband. Anytime she looks at him or touches him it drives me insane, and the same when he looks or talks to her. My husband has been very reassuring that he is not going anywhere and he loves me, but it doesn't seem to help. I finally went and had a heart to heart with the woman, as there was a big misunderstanding out of the whole thing. I still feel bad inside. My question is this: perhaps I can handle the swing thing, just not being friends with the couple after? Is this common, or am I just a nut? I have felt confident in my marriage up until this point, and now suddenly when ever their names are brought up or they come for the weekend I fall apart. Any suggestions??

Tabitha:
I totally understand what you are going through.

Jealousy is one of the most difficult feelings to deal whether you are in the swinging lifestyle or not. The problem as I see it, is that we usually want to play with people that we are attracted to but that attraction in itself creates emotional feelings. Especially if you have just had an intimate evening with them.

Luckily for me, the first time that it happened to us, was with myself and another guy. So when it did happen with Ryan, I was able to relate my feelings for what had happened to me. It does not get easier. We have found that you need to openly discuss your feelings with your spouse and be secure in your relationship. If you can't handle him being attracted to someone else, then really think long and hard about the swinging lifestlye.

Never ignore your instincts. We have met people who have different agendas and sometimes those jealous feelings are legitimate. Examine them, discuss them and both of you figure out the true reason for the jealousy.

Ryan:
I guess I was fortunate. The first night we attended a swing club, the bartender and I had a very good talk. He offered a wonderful tidbit of information. Bartenders seem to be full of unique and understanding tidbits of human behaviour. He said, "Eventually you will see someone doing something to your spouse that you don't do that makes you jealous."

Was he ever right. Approximately six months later, I had an experience that made me very jealous. Ironically it had nothing to do with someone having sex with Tabitha. She had a guy pushed up against the wall on the dance floor and was literally taking his clothes off. I was walking onto the dance floor and immediately became upset to the point that I had to turn around and go back to my seat.

It bothered me for a few days. The way I dealt with it, I talked to her. I explained my feelings and why I felt hurt and jealous.

Simple rule, it will happen, be prepared when it does happen and talk about it. In your case, your are in a tough situation as they apparently are staying with you when they come for the weekend to play. This makes it very difficult for you to talk about the issue. Make time to talk and talk when the feelings are clear and fresh in your mind. It's okay to be jealous. We have all been brought up to feel that way. Step back, talk about it, learn what the other person is doing that turns your other half on so much and learn how to do the same. This is a learning experience and you will learn from others.

Also, it is very common to not want to be friends with the couple. Many that we have met will not swing in the same room or only want a one night stand. This helps them deal with the jealousies.

Dear Ryan and Tabitha:

My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years. We love each other very much and have a great relationship and great sex. We love to shop at sex shops for new toys and sexy lingerie. We love to watch xxx movies and try new things.

We are very interested in the swinging lifestyle. I have been reading everything I can find. I really like the idea of the Swinger Dinner Club. I think it would be a great way to meet people in a non threatening and relaxing atmosphere. We are both very interested in meeting and talking with people who are in the lifestyle.

Are there any in the Calgary area and if not please let me know how I can get in touch with the Dinner Club in Edmonton. We both live in the Calgary area but would be quite willing to drive to Edmonton.

Tabitha:
One thing you will find, is how open and friendly swingers are! They are always excited to talk to new people and share their experiences.

Calgary has a Swing Club, Club Rendezvous, Alberta's longest running swing club.

Edmonton has two great swing clubs, each with a distinct and unique atmosphere. They are a great place to start out. You meet swingeing couples and judge for yourself what it's all about.

Yes, Swing Clubs are stressfull first time, but for me I found that it was the unknown that was most difficult. Once you've gone once, all the fear evaporates.

Happy Swinging!

Ryan:
You and your boyfriend sound like you have it together. Your interests are definitely similar to most swingers...of course, what you'll find is that once you get into swinging those XXX movies just don't seem to cut it anymore. There's nothing like the real thing and they're nothing like the real thing.

The couple that runs The Secret Garden are incredibly sweet and have done a fantastic job at putting events together that make everyone feel comfortable. It is so much easier meeting others the first time in a restaurant that you're likely familiar with. Whereas meeting at a swingers dance is very stressful for all new swingers. You can contact them at thesecretgarden2for2@yahoo.com and they will include you on their mailing list.