Millions of people have discovered that by coming out as gay, lesbian, or bi, they have achieved a peace that they never thought possible. It is the hardest decision you will ever have to make, and like everything else, there are pros and cons that come with the territory.
The most important thing to remember is that once you take that first crucial step outside the confining closet doors, you can never go back in. You simply cannot go back in a time machine and take back everything that you have admitted to, confessed to, or exposed about yourself. You can deny it, but in the long run you only hurt yourself by doing so.
In the words of my own resident director at the building I live in at college, once you start telling people about yourself, the shit literally hits the fan, and you have to learn to roll with the punches, good or bad. You have to be ready for anything.
For the most part, I have discovered that coming out has been positive. My friends are more supportive now, and hopefully, my parents will eventually feel the same way. Good things have happened and bad things have happened, but in no way do I regret the decision that I made. In the end, it is ultimately you who must decide if it is the right decision or not. Do not come out just because everyone else that you know has, or says that it is the right thing to do. Only you can make that choice. I agree it may be the best thing you will ever do in your life, or it could turn out slightly less pleasant than that.
This online resouce guide hopefully will provide some tips and suggestions to help you decide if coming out is in the cards for you.
It is estimated that somewhere between 3% and 6% of the total population is gay. However, even the most reputable estimates are colored by the fact that most people are afraid or unwilling to be identified as gay or lesbian, even if the survey is anonymous. Also, these figures cannot begin to determine how many people are actually bisexual, that is, attracted to both sexes. These numbers are probably a lot higher than most people will want you to believe.
Let there be no misunderstanding - homosexuality is NOT a choice. Believe me, I know. Some people will say that homosexuality is a choice to discourage you from being in a gay or lesbian relationship. But ask yourself this question - did you choose to have feelings of same-sex attraction? Why would you? Knowing what you know about society and its theological ideals, would you knowingly choose something that is likely to make you ostracized from society, and in some cultures, result in death? No, I didn't think so.
I have known since I was seven years old that I was different. I used to pray to God to make me different, but sometimes it is in God's will that things like this happen. Now I understand that this situation has helped me better understand me and the world around me.
Homosexuality is not a choice any more than being left handed or being brown eyed or being heterosexual is a choice. Ask a heterosexual the next time that they tell you that homosexuality is a choice, "did you choose to be heterosexual?" Most likely they will say yes, but even they know that they never intended to be straight. The first time they had a sexual attraction towards someone else was not because of choice, their body's hormones kicked in and they had no choice in the matter.
There is plenty of reliable evidence to suggest that homosexuality is caused by hormones in the mother's womb prior to birth. Too much or not enough of certain hormones causes the brain's personality to be different. For example, too much stress occurring in a pregnant woman's life may actually cause homosexuality. A study reported that after the bombing of Berlin in World War II, women who were pregnant in the city at the time gave birth to larger numbers of homosexual males. All things are caused by genetic and hormonal factors, and most of these issues are decided upon before birth.
The only choice in the matter is deciding on how to live your life.
In the 1970s, the American Psychological Association and American Psychiatric Association finally determined that homosexuality is not a mental disorder. Nevertheless, some people will try to tell you that you are sick and you should seek professional help to "change". There is absolutely no scientific evidence to suggest that people can change their sexual orientations, although some people do repress it. Some go on to marry and to the outside world appear to be leading heterosexual lives. But underneath it all, the feelings are still there, and they will never disappear. You cannot reverse something that was predestined from birth.
But it is ok to seek help in dealing with the confusing feelings that you might have about your sexual orientation. Coming out is a major life decision, and as with any personal milestone, you might seek professional help through the process. Just remember that the anxiety that may result from the coming out process is the result of family of social prejudice against homosexuality, not homosexuality itself.
I personally have not sought professional help, though I am considering it to deal with the stress of everyday life, not just the coming out process. Most important in your life is to have a nice social network, and a safety blanket to curl up in should something go wrong. A good safety blanket is often counseling.
It is good to have someone to talk to who will understand. Oftentimes when we first come out we do not want to talk to others about how we are feeling. This is normal. But talking to a counselor or therapist will often make us feel better. I encourage everyone to seek counseling both prior to and during the coming out process. It will make you feel a lot better.
You have probably heard some people say that men are meant to be with women, and women with men, and that being gay goes against nature and morality. But if that were so, why does it occur generation after generation, despite strong societal prohibitions? Why does it tend to occur in families? The fact is same-sex love has occurred throughout history, in every nation and culture on earth. It occurs in nature, and is a natural variation among humans, and if you look hard enough, you will probably find that someone it has occurred in your family's history. Homosexuality tends to be passed down on a recessive gene trait primarily on the mother's side of the family, though this is not conclusive and more studies must be done to confirm this. In my family alone, there are at least 3 known homosexuals or bisexuals living in my generation alone.
In short, what people mean to say when they say that homosexuality is unnatural is that it is against their preconcieved idea of what is natural.
It is often said that gays and lesbians live a gay "lifestyle", a word chosen to trivialize us and to imply that all gay men and lesbians subscribe to the same values, characteristics, and dreams. The truth of the matter is that we are just as individual and different from each other as heterosexuals are different from each other in terms of values, characteristics, and dreams. Some of us have lifelong relationships, others are merely seeking sexual gratification. Some wear distinctive clothing styles, others do not. Some are liberal, some are conservative. Some are affluent, some are poor. Some are open, some are prejudiced. The only thing we all have in common is that we love people of the same sex.
Gays and lesbians can dream of having children just as much as heterosexual couples do. Some extremists claim two things - (1)gays cannot love and that (2)children of gay parents will become gay themselves and are subject to possible child molestation at the hands of their parents.
First of all, we all know that we can love. Love is something that all people know about in same way or another, and we can love just as strongly and in many cases more so than heterosexuals do. And secondly, all the scientific evidence up to this date shows that children of gay couples are just as likely to grow up happy and well-adjusted as children of heterosexual relationships. There is the possibility that the child will grow up to be gay, but not any more likely than if they were born to heterosexual parents. As for the case of child molestation, the myth that gays molest children is false. Yes, there is the possibility of molestation, but that goes for heterosexual families as well as homosexual ones.
If anyone suggests that your life won't add up to anything if you're gay, remind them that Plato was a lover of men, as were Michelangelo and Leonardo da Vinci. Other famous gays include Bayard Rustin, Oscar Wilde, Gertrude Stein, Marcel Proust, James Baldwin, William Shakespeare, Emily Dickinson, Walt Whitman, Barney Frank, James Buchanan, k.d. Lang, Melissa Etheridge, George Michael, Ellen DeGeneres, Amanda Bearse, Wilson Cruz, Mitchell Anderson, David Geffen, Greg Louganis, Rudy Galindo, Rock Hudson, and many many more.
Candace Gingrich is the half-sister of former House Speaker and staunch Republican Congressman Newt Gingrich. She is also a spokesperson for the Human Rights Caimpaign. She is also lesbian.
She said she first realized she was "different" when only a child, but during puberty she started having crushes on other girls. She said that inside it felt right and enjoyable. She said she did not want to process the feelings because she did not know any gay people, and she did not want to express herself for the fear of the risk it would take.
It was not until she joined a women's rugby team and saw the close affection the other women had that she realized that it was ok to be the person that she was.
Personally, I have known since age seven that I was "different". Like Gingrich, I was nervous about it and did not want to think about it at the time. Upon entering middle school, the feelings began to intensify, and before long I realized for certain that I was gay. At first I was devastated because I knew how other people felt about them. I did not know any gay people personally, and my self-esteem plummeted. I prayed to God to change me, so I could be "normal", but it never happened. It was not until I entered college and met other gay people that I realized that it was ok to be gay.
Coming out to yourself means that you can recognize and accept that you are primarily attracted to a person of the same sex. This can take a while. The best way to get there is to talk to someone.
Some people first come out when someone asks them pointblank if they are gay or not. This is how I came out to my roommate. Other people pull you aside and say "there is something I need to tell you."
Another method is the written letter method - telling someone you think you can trust that you are gay by letter or email. This oftentimes is the easiest way to do, and you can often do it while laying out your feelings in a constructed format to make it easier to understand.
The first step is to determine who you will tell first. Ask yourself "Who is the most open-minded and caring person that I know of and who is the least likely to be shocked, threatened, or put off?" This may be a friend, a relative, or a teacher. You should tell that person that you have questions about your sexual orientation, and you would like to talk about it. Say that you have come to them because you trust them.
Sometimes gay people first come out as bisexual in order to test the waters. Personally, I did not do this, but I know people who did, and it turned out brilliantly. It tends to lessen the shock that such a statement may bring, and do expect that - shock.
If you don't already know someone you can trust, consider a school counselor, therapist, or a member of a gay and lesbian student group. Gay-straight alliances exist in many high schools and colleges. There are support groups at many gay and lesbian community centers in some of the larger cities. Many communities also have gay and lesbian switchboards.
Sometimes people seek out nearby churches and synagogues that primarily minister gay men and lesbians. And there are many gay youth and coming out sites on the World Wide Web, including the Human Rights Caimpaign's National Coming Out site.
You should gauge how accepting your friends and family members are by the things they say or don't say when the subject of homosexuality comes up in conversation. You can bring the subject up by using recent events in the news or on tv, such as the tv show Ellen or the tragic murder of Matthew Shepard. If your friends' or family's reactions are positive, then the chances that they will be accepting of you go up dramatically. But keep in mind that its easier for people to accept gay men and lesbians in the abstract than when its "my son" or "my daughter" or even "my best friend".
Most people are afraid that their parents will reject them if they come out. You might be afraid that they will throw you out of the house, tell you you are immoral, or simply stop loving you. The good news is that you are probably wrong.
The one thing that is true is that parents are often shocked when their children tell them that they are gay. You have to expect this. But it is also nearly impossible for a parent to reject their child for just being gay.
On the other hand, parents sometimes will react in ways that hurt. Some cry. Some get angry. Some will say something akin to the following:
Candace Gingrich's mother was pretty typical in her response. "She wanted to know what happened to me that turned me into a lesbian. She wanted to know where she and Dad went wrong. She wanted to know if I hadn't met the right man yet." (quote taken from the HRC Resource Guide to Coming Out)
The first thing you must remember if this happens is that your parents grew up in a time when the misperceptions about homosexuality were more prevalent than they are today. Also, they are just trying to protect you from something that they do not understand. It is very hard for us as human beings to understand things that we have never experienced for ourselves. And finally, you must keep in mind that this is very big news, and they need time to adjust to it, just like you did.
A great source of help for families is the Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (or PFLAG). They produce literature aimed at helping parents understand their gay children. It also has chapters in many communities across the country.
Some gays find that one parent may obsess with the idea that the child does not love them anymore, and a parent may suggest therapy. Surprisingly, some people see homosexuality as just a phase that you can grow out of. They really do not understand what homosexuality is, so they try to rationalize the situation the best that they can.
Usually, if your parents were accepting and loving prior to coming out, then they will continue to be accepting and loving after coming out, at least after the initial period of readjustment. If your parents do not have a good relationship with you, then it is best not to damage the relationship any further by telling them. Perhaps more independence is what you need instead of breaking things off entirely with your parents.
Sometimes, the worst does happen. Actor Wilson Cruz's father threw him out when he found out that his son was gay. Cruz started living in his car for a few months, and a year passed without the two even talking. Cruz, who plays a character on My So Called Life, played in an episode where his character was thrown out of his house for being gay. Cruz's father was watching the episode when it aired. He called Cruz and said that he realized what his son had gone through on a physical and emotional level, and it is often through this method of "seeing life through the other person's eyes" that makes people more understanding. Cruz and his father now get along better than before he came out.
Cruz's experience shows that even people who react negatively at first can come around in time. It may not be easy for you to give them this time. But don't be discouraged. In the long run, nothing helps as much as patience.
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IT'S A LIFE...
GAY PEOPLE CONSTITUTE FAMILIES
ARE GAYS AND LESBIANS
COMING OUT TO OTHERS
"Did someone do this to you?!?"
"But homosexuality is a sin!"
"But you can change, I know people who have..."
"Psychiatric therapy can fix you."
"I cannot live with myself if you are gay."
"I did not raise you to be this way!"
"Gay people never amount to anything."
"If you are gay, you will get AIDS and die..."
"You are just confused..."
"What did I do to make you this way?"
"You are just doing this to hurt me."
"You have fallen from grace with God. Go back to church."
"Did anyone sexually assault you?"
"You've never been with a woman (or man) so how would you know?"
