I guess I started Girly with a personal-political agenda inpired by queer politics as much as the punk-y DIY thing.

Most issues of the zine have included at least one "serious"-ish transgender piece by me. I have cut these down slightly for inclusion here, I think I'm a bit less earnest now. A lot of this stuff was written during ny period of involvement with Lesbian Gay Bisexual & Transgender Pride in London, the TG Film Festival, and a group I co-founded but rapidly lost interest in, Transgender London.

I Like to think of this as

So far we have:

Thee Seven Principles of Girly Radical Transgender Mayhem

Girly Manifesto #1 - 1996

Mona vs. Simon: my male self-image

Come on everybody - it's "Gender Attribution" time!

(Another) GIRLY MANIFESTO ('99)

Mona Rambles ("realness?")

Did Something Crawl In Your Wig and Die?

It's All Right (public transport in drag)

the rap

The Naga -

Seven headed cobra - symbol of Girly and the Symbionese Liberation Army, and a reminder that we too must stick to our beliefs and be prepared to die in flames for them in the belly of the fascist beast, even in the face of so-called evidence or concrete circumstances which appear to prove them false, paranoid, misguided and foolish.

Each head represents one of
Thee Seven Principles of Girly Radical Transgender Mayhem:

1: Be Glamorous and Visible

2: Take No Shit

3: Walk It As You Talk It

4: Never bitch about yr brothers n sisters

5: "Riots Not Diets"

6: Come To Now

7: Off The Pig

Girly Manifesto #1 (1996)

GIRLY is NOT expressing its "feminine side", masculine and feminine are prescriptive and stifling concepts; fuck gender, forget gender. Masculine and feminine are powerful ideas, but their days are numbered. In the future we'll be "people" and we'll live however we want to (subject to the usual strictures of capitalism I suspect). Just because I don't want hormones or surgery doesn't mean I'm "just" a drag queen or a cross-dresser (don't you love spontaneous self-regulating hierarchies?). I am transgender and wish I could just live my life the way I want, wear what I want every day, without worrying about employment, harassment etc. Am I "Gender Dysphoric"? Maybe I don't believe in that either, but I'm not really sure yet. As it is I guess a lot of people assume I'm gay if I'm visibly different to them, and I don't mind that, but if they could see further than their own misconceptions they'd see me, transgender inbetweeny me, and eventually they'd get used to the idea.

Mona vs. Simon: my male self-image

In common with other 'sensitive' boys I was never into sports much as a child; I missed out on a lot of that standard boy bonding stuff. I was chubby, alienated, and spent a lot of time on my own, or with 1 or 2 friends. When I became a baby tranny, guilt and fear came into the equation. My family were Roman Catholic, which didn't help. I guess my dad was quite a distant figure, he worked abroad and came home at weekends. My big tough Irish uncle always called me a mummy's boy (I didn't get on with him, but ironically I don't get on with my mum either).

I was the Quiet One, in contrast to my brother's ultra-sport boy. I did trad boy stuff, like I wanted to "Join The Professionals" at one point and was a "Fireball Secret Agent" and stuff, but I had a girly doll alongside my Action Men. As an adult I don't identify with men and representations of men -I tend to think they're all wankers or just ridiculous. But so much western culture is dominated by male viewpoints how can I place myself outside of that? Does checking out clothes & make-up mean I identify with women? No. But still I feel dislocated. Walking around in my winter leather jacket I feel more like I conform to a male image than if I'm jst wearing a t-shirt, and it feels a bit strange, like I'm in man-drag. I continue with 'male' interests - obscure music and dumb films etc; I know I could talk for hours about the Byrds or the Velvets or Bob Dylan and this is a very male trait. I'm still very sensitve, and sometimes wish I was stronger. I don't sse it as a "feminine" attribute, and not always a positive one either. Because I don't have a strong male self-image I don't identify with becoming or being "feminine". It's a smokescreen. To me embracing the concept of "femininity" means endorsing the current social and sexual order. I reject it, I am a bisexual nihilist drag queen: hear me roar.

Come on everybody - it's "Gender Attribution" time!

In "Gender Outlaw" Kate Bornstein cites a sociological study by Kessler and McKenna; they conclude that generally a person is perceived as male until proven otherwise - that it takes around four female gender cues to outweigh one male cue. Bornstein breaks down the cues as physical, behavioural, textual, and other things like sexual orientation, power dynamics and biological gender. I still get mistaken for a woman in boy clothes and stubble. This has been preying on my mind. Walking to the night bus after New Year at Club V with Charlotte, bundled up in big coat and ski hat, a young guy shouts "Happy New Year -Bitches!" at us. Earlier at the club a woman makes the same mistake. This is further complicated by the fact that my partner Charlotte now has short boyish hair and gets read as a man often (she even got cruised by a leather-queen at Earls Court!). Are people so inattentive that they don't really see gender? Are their assumptions so deeply entrenched that they blind them? Or is that the smallest deviations from the "norm" are enough to create confusion? Is the importance of gender fading away - or does the shock on the part of the mistaken person indicate the opposite, as in "Oh, I'm sorry SIR!" Mostly people don't bother to apologise - so maybe gender is less important where there's no real interaction... these are just a few thoughts, are other people as obsessed with this as I am?

(Another) GIRLY MANIFESTO ('99)

There's no point in defining drag, especially as definitions are so (p)rescriptive, but there is value in making distinctions sometimes, to set drag up in opposition to something else, to say something about what the point of this is. Drag in This Place (Girly is a place as well as an adjective, but never a noun) is not defined exclusively by ultra-glamour, false eyelashes and Fredericks mules. Drag is about individuality as much as glamour, and about being an outlaw as well as being fabulous ("Nihilists: one more effort if we are to perfect our makeup!") Drag is hopefully oppositional and disruptive; its not about co-optation, the adoption of retrograde notions of "femininity" or fantasy social climbing. I can express a lot more than that in what I wear - it doesn't mean everyone will read it the same, but I know what I'm doing. There is irony in the fact that some trannies actually forsake their individuality when they "dress", because their ideas are so bland that they achieve only interchangeability with others like them. This is anathema to me - I don't want to be invisible (-See First Principle Of Girly Transgender Mayhem, above).

Now, I don't have any answers for you, since I'm a Drag Nihilist: I have no interest in truth, and I've given up transgender introspection for now. Drag is drag, and I like that word. I don't like "dressed", it sounds creepy. I don't think I could live as a woman, I get enough street hassle as it is; but you never know. I would probably do hormones, but don't fancy surgery or jumping through hoops for doctors. I'm a drag queen, or at least that's a label I can live with if I have to. That doesn't mean you can just ignore what I say or that everything is superficial. Don't impose your preconceptions on me , please! - not everything is on the surface, this is something inside me, and so what if I don't wear false eyelashes.

mona rambles:

How do I feel when someone tells me I look real, that they thought I was a real girl? Bemused. Most likely they're just coming on to me, but not always. Do I want to look like a big ol' "drag queen" or a "woman"? It may sound pointless but I do think about this stuff; obviously I just want to look like me, and that should be enough. Maybe I sort of pass but I don't care about that - If nobody points/stares/comments its more to do with the unshockable Londoner syndrome than how "convincing" I am; it's the same in New York - you are almost advertising your hick status if you double-take a transgender person - so get over it. The language is so loaded - I'm not interested in convincing anyone of anything The other common syndrome is the "magic drag queen aura effect" when the people just want to flock around you, ask loads of questions and be your best pal for 2 minutes. This is ok but it can be a bit boring, right?. Charlotte reckons its a variation on the Indian hidra mystic thing - I don't know much about this except its got something to do with transgender women being holy or good luck or something - I should maybe read up on it - something like Leslie Feinberg's "Transgender Warriors" could be a good place to start, but ultimately I'm not that interested. I mean, post WW2 TG history is significant to me, and I've been looking for a second-hand copy of "Men In Frocks" for years, but Ancient Egypt and Native Americans and Nordic mythology - it just doesn't really connect with my millennial nihilist lifestyle, and I've already got too many books to read. Maybe I haven't got any soul - I feel dead cynical and hardened when I talk to someone who's just really nice all the time, but, I've said it before and I'll say it again, everything is relative - films, songs and books make me cry sometimes, I recycle empty tin cans and bottles, don't eat meat or buy Nestle products - but I am more cynical than a lot of people. At Six Inch Killaz gigs people rarely seem to talk to me or tell me we were great etc like they do to the rest of the band, and maybe its the same thing - is it my aura? Some people think I'm scary because I swear at and argue with sound people and promoters and look pissed off on stage. I'm trying to smile more when we play live, it looks better in photos too. Where was I? Passing and stuff - I sort of resent it when trannies say to me "well of course you can go on the bus you pass so easily you lucky little thing with your size 7 feet" -people say this to me and they're putting themselves down saying "I couldn't do that" yet they think they're paying me the ultimate compliment. It's fucked-up, and all so contradictory - I want people to tell me I'm gorgeous, but I don't depend on other people's approval. That doesn't mean I have some delusional self-image that I look exactly like a girl, it means I'm happy with what I am and what I look like. And I don't care if I repeat myself. Passing is also about blending in and being invisible, and I don't want that - visibility is about self-respect and dignity too. Right on, brothers and sisters - ease on down the road.

"Did something crawl in your wig and die?" (Wig: B-52s)

On and off since Pride '96 I've been going out wig-less, with just my real short bleached hair in a spiky girly-ish style, and reactions have been mixed. Some people have been quite rude about my hair, others have said it looks really good, others have been bemused and even hostile, like I'm breaking some rule or letting the side down. It's a quite complicated thing I think, but here are a few thoughts. Wigs are the essence of transformation for a lot of people and transformation is central to drag and transgender in general, but I don't want to completely change myself, I want to narrow the division between drag-me and boy-me, not increase it. This is a bit contradictory but I'm funny that way. It's still drag to me, and I still wear a wig if I've got an inch of roots showing or i just need a haircut, or if I want to look different, but my "gender identity" (oh there she goes getting all theoretical again) is more complicated than something I just put on and take off, so I'm sort of declaring that when I choose not to do wigs. Also my wigs are all a bit fucked, and it's really hot at the moment too, so there are various factors. I still like wigs, and if for example I want more attention from guys at the W** O**, I'll wear the big black one. It makes me look more like a girl, but less like me. They like the artifice - if I'm not wearing a wig maybe I look too much like a real person (bitchy, moi?). The funny and weird thing about wigs is the way some are so styled they look exactly the same week after week, so its like putting on a hat or a helmet. I don't like perfection, I like chaos, which is more what my real hair is about. The hard part is that often people don't recognise me in different wigs or without one, so people I make friends with one week look straight through me a week later. Oh well.

I T ' S A L L R I G H T

Following in the illustrious footsteps of radical dragsters like Julian Hows and Bette Bourne I've recently been going to gigs, meetings and clubs, etc in full drag, quite routinely on public transport, and the message is: "YES -IT'S ALL RIGHT". Motivated by being poor rather than confrontational queer political-theatrical strategies or anything else, nothing even remotely horrible has happened to me, and its been almost therapeutic; you may be surprised. People might think you're mad, look at you a bit funny, or even laugh a bit, but is that so terrible? Mostly people don't pay much attention. Sometimes I feel like they're the ones who are uncomfortable. It's been interesting as well, because even though I might be wearing slightly, uh, unusual outfits (not exactly street daywear, you understand) it gives me some idea of full time transgender people feel like when they first change over. It can be stressful, but also it makes me feel quite triumphant and independent, like I'm just getting on with it, not because i'm passing, but because i'm not really trying to pass in full-on sixties irony-drag, am I? I know its not for everyone but I see it as part of my growing confidence and self-respect, and it makes me happier. I know there are dangers and i'm still wary of these, not stupid, but then just walking down the street in boy-drag people say "faggot" and "shirt lifting bastard" to my face and "batty-man" behind my back, so what's the difference? People say "well it might be okay where you live but I couldn't... ",but Stratford isn't exactly Hampstead, right?

the rap

Some people they say to me "hey mona! hey! whooo!" and I say "whuh?" and they say "yes, you! - mona! - honey - I just want to know one thing - what's got into you?" and I say "well! what do you mean?" and they say "you know its's like all this '60 days ago you were such a beautiful child and now you're standing there with a gun in yr hand' stuff... what's that all about? It's not about transgender people or anything is it?" and I say "well you know I couldn't say I was a violent person, but I do have frequent fantasies of random violence like everybody else, and when I talk about burning cars, stringing harry & wills up from the nearest lamp-post or disembowelling tony blair, it's just , like, symbolism to get across the kind of background vibe I aim to establish in the world that exists here. if I can't live the way I want at least I can publish a zine and some people will understand."

I used to say to myself "oh I don't really know, is that transgender enough for girly...?" I held myself back out of consideration for your expectations, I even worried about offending people once, but It's my happening and it freaks me out, so I'll do what I want. I went to see a film the other night ("angel of vengeance" aka "ms 45", by art/trash auteur abel ferrera) which was excellent, and even while was sitting there watching it i was thinkin 'wow what a great film! on what flimsy transgender pretext can I mention it in girly? how can I mention it in girly? HOW CAN I MENTION IT IN GIRLY? when all I need to say is YEAH RIGHT SAW THIS AWESOME FILM ABOUT A MUTE WOMAN WHO GETS ATTACKED IN HER NEW YORK APARTMENT AND HAS TO KILL THE MAN TO ESCAPE, THEN STARTS PUTTING ON LOADS OF MAKEUP AND KILLING SLEAZY IDIOT MEN AT RANDOM. I REALLY ENJOYED IT ALTHOUGH IT WAS OBVIOUS SHE WAS GOING TO GET IT IN THE CLOSING SCENE WHERE SHE FINALLY LOSES IT COMPLETELY IN SLOW MOTION AT THE HALLOWEEN PARTY, REMINISCENT OF THE END OF CARRIE IN SOME WAYS. THE LAST MAN SHE SHOOTS IS IN DRAG, AND THE SHOCK OF BEING STABBED BY ANOTHER WOMAN MAKES HER SCREAM AT THE END. WOW.

I stayed to watch all the credits in case I came across any familiar names. one of the band at the party (penultimate victim) was dressed up to look like hunter s thompson, which was strange. the lux is a cool cinema. I mean they did show a really terrible prog of shorts this month which were terrible crabby art toss, but on the other hand they also had "WOMEN IN REVOLT", and my award-winning filmmaker pal Jason's transgender documentary "SAINT PELAGIUS THE PENITENT" with "SCORPIO RISING", and that IS cool.

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