Franchesca Page, USA 1997

The first ten minutes of this stage-mother drag musical are amazing, but then the "phantom of the opera" storyline kind of edges out the laffs for most of the rest of the movie, until the wild finale, when Varla Jean steps into her daughter's shoes to save the day. However, it's got more going for it than most of the dreck churned out by Hollywood, and the makeup and costumes alone are worth the price of admission. Don't waste time comparing Varla Jean Merman with Divine, she's a Total Star and I guarantee she will entertain even the most jaded of you with her singin' and dancin', off-colour jokes and alcoholic friends and relatives.

Rossi de Palma is also great as the murderously mad theatre owner (oops, gave away the plot!). It's dumb and predictable, some of the songs are a bit ropey, but what do you want out of film anyway? G'wan!

I've got to admit I wasn't much of a fan of Andy Warhol movies until I saw "Bufferin" (great, great) a while ago, and flushed with the appreciation of rediscovered obscurity, I gladly sat through 2 consecutive afternoons of them at the Barbican this summer (1998).

On the second day V came along and was much taken with RESTAURANT - a superstar vehicle for doomed and dysfunctional young heiress Edie Sedgwick. Here's what she wrote (and I edited)

Restaurant - Andy Warhol - 33mins B/W

Edie Sedgwick, Warhol starlet, poor little rich girl, squanders her eighty grand inheritance at L'Aventura, writes of her Merc and uses up what's left shooting up amphetamine. OD'd at 25, a great American car crash of a life, and Andy loved a good car crash.

Edie Edie Edie, Edie trapped at the edge of the frame, Edie at the busy table, Edie fighting for our attention like a drowning girl. The soundtrack is barely audible, we are allowed to watch but not to listen. When we do hear snatches of the conversation it's of little consequence, but her features are so mobile, pouting, pulling faces, she's telling us something, urgently. Smothered with jewellery, she likes top wear her wealth on her sleeve, wants her friends to know they're bought and paid for. One item catches the eye - bracelets on each arm joined by a chain - the girl is wearing handcuffs! In this brittle clique she must compete, flirt, win at all costs.

The price of admission and continued attendance at Andy's court id a performance, and she wants it so bad it hurts.

Venetia Blinds, 1998

Edie postscript: it is amazing just seeing Edie in this film; obviously things are a bit self-conscious, but seeing her smoking, waving her arms around, grinning and squealing and laughing, keeping the pointless conversation going, you get some idea of the magentism that Warhol was attracted to. A lot of people have said be basically encouraged her to destroy herself for his amusement, but I don't think she really needed any encouragement, or that he was that cold.

DUMB HOLLYWOOD TRASH! (ÒSparkle Neely, Sparkle!Ó)

Compulsory viewing: VALLEY OF THE DOLLS, the ludicrous 1967 film of Jackie Susann's alltime trash bestseller featuring Barbara Parkins, Patty Duke and Sharon Tate as three young ambitious women finding their feet in glamorous New York City!

"Yeah right" you say. So, we all know its a Camp Classic and all, but listen: nothing I could write could prepare you the avalanche of greatness and dumbness and beauty that this film delivers. Although it's nearly 2 hours long, there's hardly a minute wasted and each and every scenes has at least 3 or 4 lines you'll wish you could remember forever. I could go on and on (in my usual way), but here's a poem about it by DAVID TRINIDAD instead:

Things to Do in "Valley of the Dolls" (The Movie)

Move to New York.

Lose your virginity.

Become a star.

Send money to your mother.

Call pills "dolls".

Fire the talented newcomer.

Have a nervous breakdown.

Suffer from an incurable degenerative disease.

Sing the theme song.

Do you first nude scene.

Wear gowns designed by Travilla.

Become addicted to booze and dope.

Scream "Who needs you!"

Stagger around in a half slip and bra.

Come to in a sleazy hotel room.

Say "I am merely travelling incognito".

Get drummed out of hollywood.

Come crawling back to Broadway.

Pull of Susan Hayward's wig and try to flush it down the toilet.

End up in a sanitarium.

Hiss "It wasn't a nuthouse!"

Get an abortion.

Go on a binge.

Detect a lump in your breast.

Commit suicide.

Make a comeback.

Overact.

David Trinidad writes poems about Nancy Sinatra, Patty Duke, the Manson Murders, Valley of the Dolls and other spiritual/cultural touchstones of the secular times in which we live. He's fab. "Things to Do.." comes from the collection Answer Songs, from High Risk Books (coolest publisher of the '90s, no contest).

SHOWGIRLS

Reel at the tacky costumes and over the top beyond-camp characterisation! Gasp in awe at the amazing Russ Meyer-esque dialogue! Ride the roller-coaster that is the preposterous rags-to-riches-to-rags cliche-ridden plot, and wonder why a credible actor like Kyle McLachlan got within 10 miles of the set.

Forget all the hype about this being a het boy wank movie -this is a must-see ubertrash glamour epic. If you like "Lifestyles of the Rich & Famous" and crass tv mini-series, and can laugh at stupid hackneyed dance routines and pasties, then this is the movie for you. It would have been perfect if only they'd cast Sandra Bernhard in the Gina Gorshin role (Cristal, the slaggy bisexual "Goddess revue" star) but near-perfect is good enough for me.

Strait-Jacket US, 1964

Joan Crawford (two years after Whatever Happened To Baby Jane) as a cheated housewife who goes crazy and chops off her husband and his lover's heads with a big axe in the first scene, before going off to the loony bin for twenty years. Great murderously mad facial expressions and shots of her screaming in the straitjacket of the title make this the highlight of the film. As the opening credits roll twenty years pass, and she returns nervously home to her loving daughter (Diane Baker -who witnessed the original murders).

Poor grey-haired Joan looks a bit old and dowdy and lost after being locked up for so long. Here'e where the drag sub-text comes in; the daughter buys her a wig to match her old hair-do, and some make-up and a flowery frock, and she's just like the old mom again. In fact she's so much like her old self that she apparently takes up her old hobby of murdering people with a big axe! Except (cliffhanger-fans) its not really her but the daughter who has also taken to dressing up as mom, in order to blame the latest murders on Joan so she'll go totally over the edge and be put away for good!

She is foiled in the attempt, but only after the two "moms" fight it out and she is finally unmasked as the killer, and, obviously insane, is herself trussed up in a straitjacket and hauled off.

Great film. When first released in the US, audiences were given free toy axes by director William "king of the gimmicks" Castle.

Smashing Time UK 1967

Ridiculous Swinging London musical. Lots of daft "hip" slang and outrageous clothes, as northern lasses Yvonne (Lynn Redgrave) and Brenda (Rita Tushingham) take London by storm after superficial airhead Yvonne wins the jackpot on a tv show and uses the cash to buy pop stardom and a happening new look (sort of LuLu-meets-the-B52s, in a sailor suit one minute and a floor length turquoise wig the next!).

As her fame spirals, she drops dowdy Brenda for the In-Crowd, and debuts at the revolving restaurant on top of the Post Office Tower ("the scene with the built-in trip!"), before the cash runs out and she returns to Manch with pal intact. More top stuff. Been looking for the soundtrack for 10 years.

DON'T TELL MOM - THE BABYSITTER'S DEAD

Awful film livened up midway through by a trio of drag queen car thieves. "Married With Children cutie" Christina Applegate gets to wear lots of horrible early 90s power suits -yuk!

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