Nonononononononononono no no no no no. (Patti/Barbie/Yoko)

No. That fucking Barbie record (by Aqua) is not funny or clever; it's existence is an insult to creative people everywhere, and I hope the evil mothers who wrote it get theirs, and soon. I don't expect the average Way Out punter or the pop kids of '98 to dig Patti Smith as much as I do, but she Is a major goddess and queer punk icon. In my ideal world that fucking Barbie record would be forgotten by the time you read this, and Patti will still be raging full-on, even if she is a bit of a flake. All right.

I don't know what Patti would say, but personally I've got nothing against Barbie really. In the post-camp deconstructed world we live in she's just another dumb trashy symbol of all-pervasive US cultural imperialism. You could argue how reactionary she is, but she's got a choice of careers, a big pink car, lots of outfits and a foldaway house - why bother? (If necessary, refer to the Simpsons episode where Lisa makes a stand against "Malibu Stacy" for a full roundup of The Issues.) Barb's just out there, part of the landscape. There's a sci-fi novel I want to read where there's a whole community of barbies, a funny collection of fiction featuring Barbie as a self-aware doll which I've got ("Mondo Barbie"), and Todd Haynes' notorious Karen Carpenter biopic "Superstar", starring Barbie, which I hope to see soon.

Best Barb story is the one about the Barbie Liberation Front, a gang of pranksters who got a load of publicity when they swapped the voiceboxes of talking Action Man and Barbie dolls in major department stores in New York a few years ago, increasing Barbie's vocabulary to include machine gun sounds and a big butch "Vengeance Is Mine!". Cool - fits with this issue's theme too.

Which leads me meanderingly onto another Radical Old Lady of Rock - Yoko Ono - the butt of a thousand bitter jokes over the years (no coincidence there, eh riot grrrl conspiracy buffs?). Got her 1995 "Rising" album a few months ago after seeing the Divine David dance to "Warzone" at VIVA 5 APATHY, and it rocks like a hurricane. Yoko and Patti should get together with Joan Jett or Sleater-Kinney to make a "Badass Barbie" record.

Cheetahs are a three-piece rock'n'roll band.

They know the limitations and preconceptions that go with the territory; the traps, and the potential for detours into obsolescence or self-parody.They've worked hard, sharpening and polishing their weapons in the dark like nobody since Big Black. They've sat up night after night, planning their attack for maximum effect, because it isn't just a bit of fun to them. Rock'n'roll isn't a joke. Patti said a guitar is lighter than a machine gun and it never runs out of ammunition. In today's International Corporate Indie-dominated "market", invention and Liberation in rocknroll have never been less popular; but not everybody has forgotten what the intro to "Down On The Street" does to the hairs on the back of your neck. There are clubs like Kitsch Bitch, collections of creative and obstinate individuals (I like to think of myself as one), and Cheetahs.

Onstage they are fucking loud, look great, and move fast - 0-60 in 3 seconds.They burn bright like magnesium, but don't burn out so quick. Ten minutes is about right. They're not some headless chicken hardcore revival outfit, or anything like it. It's not the speed, it's the intensity they generate - that makes them special. They believe their music can fuck with people's heads if they get the chance. At the difficult point of contact with the soul-sucking music biz (mid '99 and counting), they're making no bones about their intentions; they want the whole game, not just a couple of pieces. The next move looks interesting

CHEETAHS SUPPORT THE DONNAS AT THE GARAGE IN LONDON ON OCTOBER 8th

For more details contact cheetahrob@hotmail.com

IT'S I N T E R E S T I N G

Hanson are three beautiful American teen hippy boys playing super-pop-music that sounds like the Jackson 5. And they look like girls, because they're pre-pubescent with long blonde hair, small thin bodies and high voices. In June when I'm writing this they are Number One in the UK and US singles charts, and lots of people are being forced to think "Is that a boy or is it a girl?" and it is hard to tell at first (I was convinced that at least one of them was female, but I was wrong). I don't know if worldwide gender-attribution confusion will have any positive long-term effects for the likes of us, but it is kind of interesting. Too bad they've got to grow up, maybe they're record company will put them on testosterone-supressing hormones to prolong their teeny pop appeal - and maybe they already have.... ----------

".._. just another nancyboy ._.."

At a nightclub-PA type gig in swishy Mayfair with Six Inch Killaz recently (1997!), I encountered Brian Molko, the famously girly singer of pop group Placebo. He's small, pale and thin, and looks more like a boy than in his publicity pics (that figures) but he is still quite conscious of his androgyny, same floppy Oscar Wilde hairdo and tasteful eye makeup, but no lipstick. His white denim jacket and t-shirt with silver pvc hipsters made him glow in the club's UV light, emphasising his strangeness. I went and said hi after our brief performance and asked him if he liked it. He said he did but was more interested in whether or not I had any drugs*. A while later he accompanied us to the Ladies where we were doing more interview bits for our epic video. He half-heartedly said "don't film me" to the video guy, but you could tell he didn't really mind. He made some sex jokes and sat on Jasmine's lap in the toilet stall while Luis licked the lipstick off our interviewer's nipples, then I went home.

* people always assume drag queens have drugs or know where the drugs are, don't they?.

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