This was a hard time for me. I was running a way from home. I was skipping school and I becamed addictive to my seizure medication. I was taking 5 or six at a time. I started abusing myself also. I just wanted to die. I hated myself . I hated my life. I hated I was having fantasies about my male friends. I was burning myself, cutting myself, and making suicide attemts.This is when Scott started showing me he care. He became a friend. A friend that you can talk to. A friend that understands and you could tell anything to. He gaved me a sholder to cry on so many times.
I seen so much Love and compassion in this beautiful 14 year old boy. I have never seen this type of love before. I was falling in love with him. Nobody was so good to me as he was.
So one day he asked me to go to his church. I said O.K. It's been a long time since I have been in a church. Plus the boy I secretely Love asked me. So how could I say no. I went to his church. I was so nervous. When we got there I was even afraied to go into it. So we sat out side together for about 10 minutes before I got up enough courage to go in. Once I got in the sermon was all about God's unconditional Love. How God is there for you when your being abused. When you feel that nobody loves you ,he will always love you. No matter what. Well this was what I was looking for. I wanted this Love . I wanted the Love that Scott has showed me. So I started going to church with Scott all the time. I even started going to bible study with him every week. I was falling more in love with him everyday. But this is when I was becoming more abusive. I was going to bible study. They tought teenagers what is moral and what's not at this time. One day a kid came to bible study and ask us to pray for his gay friend that just camed out to him. So we gather in a circle held hands and pray that God will change his friend and he will no longer be condemend to Hell. This is when I really started to hate myself. I didn't want God to hate me. I didn't want to go to Hell. I wanted this wonderful Love that God was all about. So I had to change. I kept trying and trying. I wasn't able to do it. So I turn to abusing myself more and more. Every time I got an impure thought about Scott I would cut or burn mysellf. I still have these permanent scares today. I hurt so much inside. That I thought I needed to cover up the hurt inside by covering it up by hurting my outside. I was feeling that God hate me and I cant change it. Once again someone hates me. So when the Hurt got too bad I would just take an overdose and try to kill myself. I eventually ended up in Millcreek Psyco Hospital for kids for two and a half months.
This was the first time I learned about the hate of my so called Christian's brothers and sisters.
So after I got out of the hospital Scott move to Texas. My grandfather now had custody of me. But he was very sick and dying with cancer. So I had to no longer worry about myself and satart taking care of him. My grandfather died a week before I turn 18.
I was all alone now. My grandfather was no longer around. I didn't have Scott anymore. I started thinking of my sexuality again. I got into the punk rock scene. I even found a church nearby that didn't care what you wore to church and had other punk rockers in it. So I started going there .
I still was not accepting of my own sexuality and keeping it a big secret. Just trying to deny it. I soon met this young married punk couple at church who I thought were the coolest people on earth. They accepted me with open arms and showed me Love. This is what I was looking for all along. I needed to be love. I soon moved out of my grandparents house and moved in with them. But during this time I started becoming more and more aware of my sexuality. I was now falling in love with my friend's husband, Lee.
Oh how I wanted him. We did everything together. Ounce he even tooked me to his mom's house to meet her and her lesbian lover. He didn't know I was gay yet I was still keeping my secret. But ounce I met his mom and her friend I think they knew right away. They offer to take us to a gay pride celebration in Cincinnatti at the docks. There I finally felt that I belong. Men walking around holding each other hands and didn't care what anyone else said. Beautiful people everywhere showing that love comes in many forms. I finally knew who I was and what I wanted to become. But it was still hard for me to accept. I started hanging out in the parking lots of gay clubs. I never got out of my car. I would just sit in it and watch all the gay couples go in and out. I started doing this every night. I never did get enough courage to go into it until months later.
I finally got my first boyfriend and learned more of my Christian brothers and sisters hate for me. I was still living with my church friends, Lee and Jenny. We lived a few blocks behind the Dayton Mall. It was in Nov. that I thought I would put my combat boots on and walk up to the mall. There I was just walking around hoping to see some of my friends hanging around and this cute guy also named Lee camed up and started talking to me. Soon afterwards we started meeting at the mall everyday for a few days.Then He finally asked me if I was gay. I didn't know what to say. I knew I was attracted to him and other men. But it was wrong and could I say that I was gay. I told him I didn't know that I think I might be bisexual. I told him I wanted to be with a man. But wore afraid to. So we talked about it and he asked me to go to a friends house with him so we could talk more. I said why not. We got to his friend's house where no one was home. They went a way for the holidays. He fix me a nice dinner and we sat down and talked. Then he asked me the big Question ,"Can I kiss you." I wanted this so bad. I was just waiting for him to make his move.
Continue soon ...
