Not to sound totally cliched, but there comes a time in every young gay man’s life
where he must make the decision to disclose his sexual orientation to his people. In other
words, he’s got to come out. It’s a big step -- one that takes a lot of preparation [if you want to
do it right, anyway] and one that yields an incredible number of unpredictable situations. But
if it’s done with care, it can become a big turning point not only in your outlook on life, but
also in the way other people perceive you.
The concept itself is pretty scary. For some people, even thinking of saying the
words “I’m gay” is too much. But coming out doesn’t necessarily have to be a bad
experience. The goal of this guide is to help steer you in the right direction so you don’t have
to drive blind when you reach the point in your life where you decide, “Damn, this closet sure
is cramped.”
Get it straight in your mind
Before you even think about jumping around announcing you’re gay, it would be wise
to figure out yourself.
It takes time for a lot of guys to actually place a name to what they’re feeling. Before
any of us becomes an expert at screaming the words “I’m gay!” many of us simply get a vibe
from other guys that we don’t exactly understand. Welcome to your life!
Recognizing the fact that you’re attracted to guys is really the first step in the whole coming
out shebang. There’s sometimes a lot of second-guessing involved when we realize who
we’re attracted to, especially because of how we’re always fed the idea that when we grow
up, we’re going to meet the most beautiful woman in the world, marry her and have lots of
kids. Finding your own identity takes a lot of work, but if you think about it for a moment, you
know who you’re attracted to. If that’s boys, then you’re gay.
Once you have that identity, you’re ready to take the next step. Lock yourself in your
room or go to that good old favorite thinking spot and try saying aloud, “I’m gay,” or “I’m bi.” It
will probably be a lot more difficult than you think -- you’ve been trained not to say those
words from birth. But the words become easier with the practice. And once you can say the
words, you’re truly ready to drop the bomb [or “deliver the present,” if you’re optimist].
Consider what may happen
Be prepared. Coming out successfully depends on how well you can deal with the
slew of possibilities that may happen after telling someone you’re gay. There are many
issues to consider.
When you tell someone that you’re gay, you’re changing their entire perception of
you as a person. All these people have a very heterosexual image of you in their heads, and
the idea that you’re gay is going to essentially shatter that image and replace it with an
entirely new one.
You’ve got to be confident enough to deal with any an every situation that might
occur. Coming out is like taking a test -- you’ve got to do your homework if you want to pass.
Most go through stages when you come out to them, ranging from the initial shock
and denial all the way to total acceptance -- with a lot of education in between. It’s important
to consider these reactions and how you’ll respond to them before you come out.
But it’s also very important to know what you’re talking about and be able to say
things firmly. If you sound like you’re not sure of yourself, they’ll think you’re uncertain and
confused about your orientation. You don’t want that, so be determined about everything you
say and how you respond. Also, tell them you’re ready to deal with any questions or concerns
they might have. It will make the entire process flow more smoothly.
Who to tell first?
That’s a decision that you can only make for yourself. But the most important thing is
to come out to someone you trust, to make sure and consider how they’re going to respond.
People will respond in dramatically different ways. many people feel it’s better to tell
friends first. Your friends are the people who you see most frequently outside of home and
there’s less risk if they respond badly. On the other hand, kids talk. Your friends may tell all
their other friends and in a week your entire school or workplace will know you’re gay.
Other people prefer to tell their parents first. That depends on your relationship with your
parents. Hopefully your parents’ love for you will allow them to see past their shock and
denial and lead them towards acceptance. Although this does tends to be the case, many
kids who still live at home or are dependent on their parents find it difficult to tell their parents
because there’s an ominous fear that they’ll cut off financial support or kick their kids out of
the house, which unfortunately does happen sometimes.
There are also people like your extended family, coworkers, and old schoolmates.
But one thing is certain -- after you come out the first time, you’ll find it gets easier the next
time.
How should I tell them?
Everyone has his own little way of saying, “I’m gay.” Some guys prefer to just sit
someone down and say it. Other people prefer to write letters. [You could also be really
creative, doing something wild like composing a song, painting a picture, or something else
extravagant. Let’s just hope whoever you’re telling is intuitive enough to get the deeper
meaning.]
Anyway, here comes the big moment. You’ve realized who you are and you’re sure
about yourself and your sexuality. You’ve researched everything related to being gay, and
you’re ready to respond to the questions. You are prepared to come out.
At least you thought you were... Some of you at this point may just do it. You may
walk into the kitchen one morning, sit down, pour yourself a tasty bowl of Cheerios and say,
“Boy, look at that dreary weather today -- by the way, Mom, I’m gay!” Many of you, however,
may find this is the point where you start getting really nervous.
It’s natural to get fearful when the real moment arises. It’s like preparing for a really
great speech for school and then realizing you totally forgot what you were going to say when
you got up there. You may start to tell someone you’re gay and then realize you don’t want to
do it right then, and cover up the conversation by saying the important thing you wanted to
tell your best friend was that you... uh... can’t find your pencil case... or something...
Just remember this. Coming out is a big testament to your courage and nerve -- and
once you do it you will feel very relieved and confident with yourself. After you get over your
own shock [what the hell did I just do?!], you’ll find that what you did was really amazing and
that if you did it once, you can surely do it again.
Get ready
It’s said that if you prepare for the worst, you wont be disappointed. There’s always a
possibility someone will react badly to the news that you’re gay. After all, that’s the entire
reason why all of us haven’t already told everyone we know that we are gay. Fear of rejection
is one of the worst feeling in the world. Actual rejection is the worst.
If you’ve prepared well, your hard work should come in handy. If someone goes off
on you, try to reassure them that your being gay does not change who you are as a person.
Throw out the facts. Don’t start crying and act like it’s the end of the world -- be aggressive.
Demand acceptance. Stand up for yourself and who you are.
If worst comes to worst, rest well with the thought that you did your best. This is very
cliched, but if someone can’t accept you for who you really are, they’re not worth having as a
friend or worth having around.
Those of you still living with your parents may be concerned that they’ll kick you out
or do some other terrible thing if they find out that you’re gay. If you do have that fear, it’s
sometimes best to wait until you’re financially independent and a legal adult before telling
them. That way there’s less of a risk that they can do anything to harm you. But honestly,
almost all parents come to terms with this faster than you think. If your parents truly love you
[which is sometimes hard to see when you’re young and depend on them], you’ll probably
find it just takes a little time for them to adjust to your announcement.
Coming out is a big learning experience not only for yourself, but for the people who
you care about. If you take time to prepare yourself for the experience, coming out will be a
rewarding change in your life.
The freedom that comes with it is impossible to understand until you’re there. But it is
worth it.