Future Boy
After a long day at my school I’m usually wiped out, so after I log off AOL, I
shut off all the lights in my bedroom, close the door, put in a CD, turn it up, and lay
back on the floor. No stress, no worries, just me and the music... however I just can’t
stop thinking about tomorrow... more or less, the future.
Sure I have the dreams, the plans, and the ambitions... but there is the
uncertainty, that scares the hell out off me. I have to years yet until I graduate from
college, and the thought of spending the next 30 years in an office, homogenizing
my life to the common suburban worker appeals to me about as much as making
out with a girl! I don’t know where I’m going to find a job, what kind of job I will have
or who I will be with. You can have your Jeep Grand Cherokee, your carbon copy
home, your living room with furniture you never use. Keep it. I just can’t stop thinking
how worthless life is if you are just another hamster on a treadmill.
I don’t want to become another victim of society. I want to remain an
individual. Being a gay youth has been a big factor in my life, its something unique
about me, something that sets me apart. Keep in mind here, I’m not ripping on
straight people. However they seem to be the greatest victims.
Now stop, just stop for a second... THINK! You are spending your life to
achieve what? This is where most people fall short of an answer. They work 40
hours a week or more all their lives and amass material possessions to impress
people they don’t know all of which are worthless when they are dead. Who were
they? Nobody.
I live by the standard philosophy that I can do anything I want. Meaning,
achieve any goal by working hard enough. I feel that if I don’t make a difference in
people’s lives, then I’m not living to my potential, I’m wasting my time. How I am
supposed to do this, I’m not clear on. I know that it takes several little steps to make
a major leap, and a goal is always important because you are not going anywhere
unless you have a destination to reach.
Then of course, my mind takes itself directly to guys. And inmidiately begin
thinking that I will never find Mr. Right. This is unlike many things, something I have
no control over, and I hate it. You see, he is 100% of my future. everything I want to
be, everything I want to do, I want him to be part of. Many compromises and
decisions will have to be made by both of us. Do we move to where he has a job, or
to where I get one? Do I drop everything for him? I hear of friends saying, “I’ve given
up on guys,” or “I’m not looking anymore,” or “I don’t have time... I’m too busy right
now to think of a boyfriend.” Well, I think that’s B.S. Anyone who knows me knows
that I do not give up. When opportunity knocks, I want to be there to invite him in.
I don’t think it will just happen, I don’t think that one day while I’m kicking
back, the guy of my dreams will walk up to me, tap me on the shoulder and
introduce himself. (Although that would be a cool wish) I’m not going to give up on
him because he wouldn’t give up on me. We stand together on the same earth,
under the same sum, yet we’ve never met. I’m afraid of growing old, but most afraid
of growing old alone. I’ve met a lot of really great guys, and they have become my
best friends, but alas, I’m single. I figure I’ll know when it’s right. I hope.
I can’t wait for ever in a chat room, or going to clubs, searching him out.
Some of my friends tell me I’m too picky, that I have this perfected image of a guy
that I will never meet. But in my heart I still believe he is out there. I dream of the
him, the dog, our condo, and our children, I dream of vacations, of happiness and
security. Will I wait a month, a year, 10 years? I don’t know. I’m afraid to miss him,
to let him slip by and I won’t - because he is my future.