I have been having some trouble finding a boyfriend. I wonder why.
Now, my Mom always tells me that if you are having a personal problem like this,
there is no use blaming everyone else -- you should look inside and see what changes you
can make personally to improve things.
So I talk to some of my friends [most of whom are nice, cute, smart and single -- how
peculiar] to try to figure what changes I should make. Should I be nicer? Should I change my
name to Xanthan? Should I dye my hair blond?
This was when I began to realize what the problem was, and it shocked me. The
problem is simply, that there isn’t enough emphasis on love in the gay community: we’re all
so busy dancing and sending email [and getting off] that we, as a community , have pushed
love to the bottom of our priority list.
This is a terrible conclusion to reach, for what is the point of being gay without love?
So many [very desirable and single] gay men will tell you privately that they want a boyfriend.
Now, theoretically, gay people should have lots of ways to systematically meet a mate. We
have all these bars and clubs, and we have the Internet. So I wonder: what is it about gay life
that makes it so hard?
The answer, of course, is simple: the club scene and the Internet don’t work, because
they are both dehumanizing in a way and seem to bring out the worst in people. Now, this is
where straight people have an advantage over us: because everyone is presumed to be
straight, they can meet at work, on the bus, at church, at the mall, at the super-deluxe swap
meet, and in all those unpressured ways that lead to success. We, on the other hand, are
reduced to meeting either in a loud, smoky, impersonal, stressful club at 2am, or
anonymously on the Internet where people are often reduced to mere statistics.
Now, I don’t want to slam Internet meetings: I met most of my closest friends that
way. But I do think the net brings out the worst in many gay people, Just by it structure, it
encourages lying, uncaring and sometimes cruel behavior. I am so bored with people asking
me for my dick size or sending me fake self-pictures [not of themselves], and telling me all
kinds of fibs and junk and...
Hang on, can I just make an admission here? Look, the reason I go to clubs and
hang out on the Internet is because I am looking for love. My main motivation is love, and it
isn’t dancing or listening to hip-hop or even sex [though I dance and have sex a lot more that
I find love]. Now, I think if all of you out there just step back and admit the same thing,
maybe young gay men can make some real progress.
It didn’t used to be this way 20 years ago. In the face of AIDS and other setbacks, we
have all become less open to love.
We need new and creative solutions to this love-deficit. To start, we should all
support non-scene ways of meeting: new venues like coffeeshops, groups, and non-club
activities, and new, more sensitive kinds of clubs that aren’t so loud, smoky, and mean, are
all good ways.
But I have also realized that looking for closeness requires admitting that it’s missing,
and that we want it. That’s why I started being honest with people online, why I started being
honest with people I liked, why I just don’t care anymore if someone thinks I’m cheap and
why I always try to be nice to people and not throw attitude. Attitude is really just fear, and I
have better things to be afraid of than sex and love.
Look I don’t have all the answers, I don’t know how to change the gay scene, or
exactly how to make people act honestly or caring on the gay Internet, or whether to add a
whole ‘nother way of meeting to gay life to accommodate the majority of us who are screwed
daily by its institutions. But I figure if all of you think about the points I’ve mentioned,
somebody might be spurred, by frustration or fury, into making some improvements we can
all benefit from. Meanwhile, I am going to walk on the beach. It’s almost as good as love, and
I hope someone fixes all this before I get back.