Tolerance Isn't Acceptance

I am sick and tired of putting up with people who merely put up with me. Since I came out two years ago, when I was 17, I have been bombarded with a virtual avalanche of tolerance from family and friends, but have seen only a glimmer of acceptance. I got a lot of support, don’t misunderstand me, but I was also only truly accepted by a handful of people. My parents for instance, are O.K. with the “whole gay thing” as long as I don’t flaunt myself. The people I called friends for a long time where happy I was dating someone, but God forbid I should tell them about him.
Tolerance is all too often confused with acceptance. The difference between the two is often overlooked because they are used interchangeably. Tolerance often implies a sacrifice on the part of the tolerator, as if they are a better person because they can overlook your fault. And with tolerance there is always a clause, an “as long as”. Everything is fine until the “as long as” happens. For example, I can’t count how many times I have heard someone straight say to me or others, “I don’t mind gay people, as long as they act straight in public”. Ironically, these are the same straight people that will kiss their date at a movie and hold hands while walking down Main Street.
Those who tolerate us argue that they really are O.K. only as long as we stay within their comfortable limits. They might be glad that we have a love life, but certainly don’t want to hear about it. They think it’s fine that we have been together with someone special for a year or two, but wish we would change the subject.
As healthy and contributing members of society, we should be able to walk down the street holding our special someone’s hand and not get looks of dead. We shouldn’t get stared or peered at like something dirty that people wish would go away. We shouldn’t need to go above and beyond in some area of our life, but the perfect son or daughter, the model student or employee in order to have our gayness overlooked and receive equal treatment. The ones who tolerate would like to forget we are strong, that we endure and that we love. We are looked at and judged, to see if all that we are do and say is greater than our sexuality.
Ironically gay men and lesbians are often intolerant of each other. How many times you have heard jokes about effeminate men or butch women? Just because we are part of the minority doesn’t mean that we are not part of the problem or are immune to our cuture’s programming. To become accepted by society we first must learn to accept ourselves.
Gay men and Lesbians come from every walk of life, every educational, socioeconomic and racial background. We have all fought against hatred and discrimination in our own, different way. Each of us has a unique and personal story. These are powerful differences and similarities that should unite, rather than disband us.
We can all make a difference by being true to ourselves, our friends and family. By offering our support to gay & lesbian youth groups, public education campaigns an grassroots organization, we will gain more rights and be recognized for the people that we are and not the label that is applied to us. Each of us deserves acceptance; no one should ever have to settle for being merely tolerated, because we are all worth more than that.

1