A Few of the Greatest Conversations From the Members of the Sexiest "Non-Couple" On Prime Time
You've watched them work, and ocasionally play, together for 10 years now. You've watched them grow closer and hold together when tough times stuck. Hell, they're even together when there was a point where one was a suspect in the other's attempted murder. That's right, it's Mr. Burns and Mr. Smithers from The Simpsons. Voted the best "Non-Couple" in a recent issue of YM. It's obvious that everybody knows they should be together. Unfortunately, although Smithers tries his hardest, Mr. Burns is oblvious to what the rest of the world knows. Here's some of Smithers best attempts at recognition.

(Burns and Smithers are cowering together awaiting the meltdown of the plant)
Smithers:Sir, there may never be another time to say...I love you, sir.
Burns: Oh, hot dog!! Thank you for making my last few moments on Earth socially awkward! [Homer Defined: Ep.8F04, Season 3]

Smithers:People like dogs, Mr. Burns.
Burns: Nonsense, dog are idiots. Think about it, Smithers. If I came into your house and started sniffing at your crotch and slobbering all over your face, what would you say?
Smithers: Uh...if you did it, sir...? [Dog of Death: Ep.8F17, Season 3]

(When Marge-the-Starlet asks to join the expedition to Ape Island)
Burns:What do you think, Smithers?
Smithers: I think women and seamen don't mix.
Burns: Oh, we all know what you think. [Treehouse of Horror III: Ep.9F04, Season 4]

Burns:(to Smithers) I dreamed about her again last night, Smithers. You know that dream where you're in bed and they fly in through the window?
(Smithers just smiles and nods as he imagines his dream of Mr.Burns flying in through the window and begining to desend onto his bed.) [Marge Gets a Job: Ep.9F05, Season 4]

Burns:Who's that lavatory linksman, Smithers?
Smithers:Homer Simpson, sir. One of the fork-and-spoon operators from Sector 7G.
Burns:Well, he's certainly got a loose waggle. Perhaps I've finally found a golfer worthy if a match with Monty Burns, eh?
Smithers:Oh, his waggle is no match for yours, sir. [Scenes From the Class Struggle In Springfield: Ep.3F11, Season 7]

Smithers:(To Burns' inquireies about what he was doing at the local burlesque house) My...my parents insisted I give it a try, sir. [Bart After Dark: Ep.4F06, Season 8]

Smithers:(After pairing up Homer and Burns in a "random" drawing.) Sir, this can't be right. You assured me this drawing was rigged so we'd be teammates.
Burns: Yes, well, frankly, you've been a bit of a pill lately.
Smithers:Why do we always fight on vacation? [Mountain of Madness: Ep.4F10, Season 8]

(Homer is having a flashback to his days in the high school gym when he was a member of the school gymnastics team. One performance is just ending as we see a younger Smithers MCing the event.)
Smithers:Well, that's the end of the girls floor exercise. Now let's bring on the men!! [Season 9]

(Burns is looking over a note at his desk. Smithers is standing degectedly in the corner.)
Burns:(reading) Memorandum to Mrs. Bouvier. Re: Deliniation of romantic intentions.(frowns and crumples it up) Too sappy! Smithers, come over here and help me write a mash note to my girlfriend.
Smithers: Fine. (sadly walks over) Darling one, read my words and hear my heart speak of a love soft and undying. (emotionally) A love that will be with you always. Sincerly, yadda, yadda, yadda.
Burns: That's marvolous. How did you think of that so fast?
Smithers: I....sent it to you on your birthday. (sniffs) Excuse me, I have something in my eye. (runs out of the office as Burns smiles at the note) [Lady Bouvier's Lover; Ep.1F21, Season 5]

(Smithers and Mr. Burns are standing around in his office. Mr. Burns is talking dreamily.)
Burns: And she's the one for me. (starts dancing on his tip-toes) I'm in love!
Smithers: (less than enthusiastic) Whoop-de-doo, sir.
Burns: Yes. Whoop-de-doo to the world! [Lady Bouvier's Lover; Ep.1F21, Season 5]

(Smither's is sitting in a desk at an adult education class. He raises his hand)
Smithers: Um,I was married once, but I just didn't know how to keep it together. (Scene dissolves into a black and white scene of a room with a Southern Belle lying on a bed that Smithers is walking away from. He's wearing a bathrobe and using a crutch to help him get to the bar across the room.)
Belle: Come on, Waylan. Make love to me the way you used to.
Smithers:(pouring himself a glass of whiskey) No.
Belle: It's that horrible Mr. Burns, isn't it?
Smithers:(turning to her, enraged) You leave Mr. Burns out of this!! (He turns back to the bar and smashes everything with his crutch)
Burns:(from outside) Smithers!! (Smithers smiles and walks out onto the balcony looking down onto Mr. Burns. It all looks like the famous scene from A Streetcar Named Desire. Burns is yelling to Smithers a la Stanley. His white T-shirt is even ripped up.) Smithers!! [Secrets of a Successful Marriage; Ep.1F20, Season 5]

(Darth Vader's theme plays as we fade in on Mr. Burns' office. He's sitting at his desk with Smithers by his side. He's looking at a book of figures)
Burns: I don't know what's happening. It seems our profits have dropped 37%.
Smithers: I'm afraid we have a bad image, sir. Market research shows people see you as something of an ogre.
Burns: I ought to club them and eat their bones.
Smithers:(laughs nervously) Well, maybe this festival could help us. A film biography might help them to get to know the real you --(dreamily) virtuous, heroic, nubile...
Burns:You left out pleasant!! (whacks Smithers with his scepter.) [A Star is Burns; Ep.2F31, Season 6] 1