Like most of the rest of us I started dressing at a very early age. I don't know the first time I realized that I was different, but I remember knowing that I wasn't happy being treated like a boy. I detested my male clothes and I longed for the clothes and toys that the other girls in my neighborhood had in their rooms.

My mother had apparently wanted a little girl and when I was still pre school age, I can remember her dressing me in little sundresses and painting my finger and toenails. There were even some pictures of me when I was about 2 or 3 that showed me in those dresses.

I was an only child and only one of 3 children on my mother's side and none on my father's side of the family. So I was somewhat spoiled by my local aunts and uncles. I was given almost anything I asked for and I got almost everything I asked for except girls clothes. I had dolls, cooking sets, tea sets and other girls toys, at least until I was about 5 or 6.

The earliest recollection I have of me dressing and feeling that something wasn't right was when I was around 4 or 5. I would go into my parent's closet and play in my mother's shoes and wrap a towel or some other material around my waist to use it as a skirt. I also remember wearing some of her dresses but they were way too large for me. To me it was just playing dress up, like the other girls in the neighborhood, but I didn't look like the other girls, I had short hair. I can remember wondering why my hair was shorter and I only had boy clothes to wear.

I am pretty sure my mother knew what I was doing and how I felt because she taught me to cook, sew, iron, clean house and do the laundry while I was still in elementary school. I loved to do those things; they were just normal things a girl learned. I even played with my mother's jewelry and at times even helped her make additional jewelry. She taught me the difference between clip and screw on backs on earrings. I can even remember playing with her lipsticks, powder and rouge.

The girls in my neighborhood had longer hair wore jeans, pretty shorts, skirts, blouses, pants and dresses and all I had to wear were plain jeans or slacks and shirts. I envied the other girls with pretty clothes and their ponytails and pigtails. How I wanted to let my hair grow and wear it like theirs. When I got old enough to go to school I remember wondering why I was forced to wear only boy's clothes. I would go to sleep at night and pray that when I woke up I'd have a closet full of girl's clothes. At that time, I was to young to realize that I was physically different from a genetic girl. It wasn't until I was 9 or 10 that I realized I was physically different and then I prayed to wake up the next morning as the girl I am, not as the boy that I shouldn't have been.

Prior to me turning 5, I had been kept pretty much away from the boys in my neighborhood and only allowed to play with the girls. It was the fall just before I tuned 5 when I was taken to the hospital to have some corrective surgery done on a hernia. Now I'm not saying that wasn't the problem but shortly after the hernia repair I was no longer allowed to play with the girls. It was then that everything changed in the way I was treated by my mother. I was told to go outside and play with the other boys. She wouldn't let me help in the house but every once in a while. All of my dolls and other girl's things were thrown away. It was like those earlier years didn't exist any longer.

When I began to go to school, I was told I had to act like a boy. Of course I was told that boys don't cry and that boy's played only certain types of games and I could no longer play dress up, jacks, jump rope or hopscotch. So I had to learn to play boys games like baseball and football. Since I tried to be a good child I did what I was told and as I grew older I tried to suppress the feelings. However a family moved into the neighborhood that had a son that was very open about wearing girl's clothes. He was still very young around 4 or 5 and his family just seemed to accept it. The old feelings came back stronger than ever.

It was about this time when I was in about the fifth or sixth grade I began playing with the girls in the neighborhood again. I would play jump rope or jacks and I was quite good at both. When I was playing with them I got to listen to the girls talk about boys and clothes and while I wanted to express myself on those subjects I found that I was afraid to for fear that I wouldn't be allowed to play with them any longer. It was about this time I became good friends with one of the girls in the family that had just moved there. Since her brother wore girl’s clothes I knew she was accepting of that behavior.

This girl was a great friend. Over time we talked about a lot of different things including her brother and his dressing in his sister's clothes. Once she thought it would be cute for me to let her dress me in some of her clothes. I of course didn't object in the least. Shortly after this she wanted me to dress in her clothes more often. Of course it was just her dresses and no underwear but I didn't mind, it felt natural for me to be in a dress.

When she began to develop breasts and started to wear a training bra I was so jealous. As we grew older and she began to wear makeup, she would apply makeup to me when she had me dress. I think she enjoyed being able to practice on me. I just wish she had showed me then how to apply makeup.

I fell deeply in love with her, but not in a romantic sense. She was like a sister to me. She later helped me dress and go out with her as girlfriends. We remained friends for years, until she moved away. We wrote each other for a year or so but eventually her family moved again and we lost track of each other. Either that or my parents or her parents learned the truth and put a stop to the correspondence.

Since I was an only child and my family was very close, I spent many weekends and part of the summers at my aunt's and uncle's homes. One aunt in particular was very close in both a relationship and distance. She lived just a few blocks away and I would spend, as much time at her house as my parents would allow.

I spent a great deal of time with my mother's sister and her husband because they didn't have any children, they treated my like there own and they were like a second set of parents. Since my aunt was just about my size and was real fashion conscious so after awhile I began to experiment with dressing in some of her clothes and the experience was fantastic. This was the first time I had ever worn lingerie and the experience was one that I'll never forget. I felt whole and complete.

As I reached the age to go into junior high I would spend Wednesday night or weekends with them. Wednesdays they went to the country club and they usually went to parties on Saturday evening and would be gone until around 1:00 in the morning. While my friend had always applied makeup on me I had never applied it myself. This gave me plenty of time to dress and practice using her makeup. I quickly learned how to hook a bra, use garters and put on hose. I learned to use her makeup as well and I was able to express my feminine side at least once and sometimes twice a week. I continued to dress in her clothes for several years and became quite good at makeup and learning how to act as a woman. I learned a lot about how women dressed, walked and what they talked about.

I guess it was just about that time that several of the tabloids began to print stories about the early transsexuals. One in particular caught my eye. It was about a young man that began living as a woman after he had become a beautician. He was encouraged by several of the female beauticians to dress as a woman. Once he began dressing as a woman he felt at ease with himself and later sought SRS. I began to understand a little about myself. I wasn't alone in my feelings. I even wrote to her via the tabloid stating that we could be sisters if she liked. To my knowledge she never replied though.

I began to purchase clothes of my own. I purchased shoes, dresses, hose and garters but couldn't buy the lingerie for some reason. Therefore, I would still use my aunt's when I dressed. I was confused about my feelings and I didn't know how to express myself to my family. I finally tried to express myself one evening. I got completely dressed and waited on my aunt and uncle to return home. I knew my aunt and uncle were very understanding people and I hoped they could help.

My uncle came home earlier than my aunt did and found me sitting in the living room completely dressed. I tried to explain to him how I felt. But I just couldn't explain myself well enough; I just didn't have the words to explain. He wasn't angry, but he did ask the standard question for that time, "Are you queer?" When I told him no, that was the end of the discussion. The only thing I can remember my aunt saying was that I owed her some new hose for the ones I had put runners in over the past years. She said she always wondered how she got a runner after she had taken the hose off. To my knowledge they never told anyone else about that night.

It was about this time that I met the girl that was to become my wife. We had a great deal in common and hit it off from the very start. Since I was supposed to be a male I tried to act the part. We dated all through school and got married when she graduated from high school. I was taught to respect a woman and I wanted to treat her the way I would want to be treated if I were the woman I felt inside. We did a lot of heavy petting, but never any farther than that. When we married we were both virgins.

During this time I was able to suppress the need to dress pretty much, but there were times that I still felt the need and would dress in my aunt's clothes again from time to time. I'm sure the aunt knew I still used her clothes because she would have me do her laundry when I stayed with them on weekends. I guess you could say I was paying my way to use her clothes. I was ashamed to admit these feeling to my girlfriend then because I was not sure why I felt this way and I didn't know how to tell her, but I knew I loved her more than anything in the world. I tried to suppress these feeling all through my marriage but on several, no many occasions I lost the battle and would dress again.

I have noticed something that is very interesting; I can remember several of the times that these feelings came back so strong that I had to act on them was when something stressful occurred in my life. Once when my father died and then when my mother died and still another when I was unemployed for several months due to the economy drying up for a while. Maybe dressing helped me to deal with it by becoming my true self for just a little while and forgetting about my everyday troubles.

For the most part I don't believe my ex had any idea how I felt or about any of the things from my childhood. But then I was having a very difficult time dealing with my feelings as well. There were times when I was less than careful and she found items that indicated I was either having an affair or purchased some items for me.

The first time clothes were an issue in my marriage was when I returned a dress that didn't fit. The company sent me (the ex) a letter apologizing for it not fitting properly. I was devastated, I had no idea they would send a letter or I wouldn't have given them the correct name and address. I had to admit it was for me and we had a long argument over it. I promised it was just an urge and it would never happen again. I obviously lied. I knew it would never go away. I would just have to be more careful.

I did a lot of searching the Internet and reading about why I might be this way. My ex found some of the research I was doing and automatically assumed I was gay, which I assured her I was not. Over the years my ex discovered other magazines and books on the subject and because I failed to tell her the truth then, it caused a great many of the problems later on in the marriage. There were a couple of times that I tried to bring the subject up for discussion but my ex didn't want to discuss it.

I did get to dress as a woman one Halloween at my ex's and one of her friend's suggestions for a costume party. Mind you, at that time, I only wore bra, ½ slip, blouse and dress over the blouse. They also had me get a pair of very low heel shoes not knowing I could handle 3" heels with no problem. I wore pantyhose for the first time and the feel of the hose on my legs and around my waist was very different from when I experimented with my aunt's clothes. My ex provided me a pair of earrings and a necklace and applied my makeup, as I could not let her know I could apply my own. I was almost set for the evening. I tried to talk my ex into letting me get panties and shave my legs, but the answer was no as she still remembered the dress I had returned and wasn't going to allow me to really enjoy that night.

In the latter years of my marriage I was having more and more difficulty performing as a male in the bedroom. I was definitely young enough that prostrate problems shouldn't have been a problem. But I went to the doctor and discussed my issue. I also told him I was having some gender issues and wondered if that might be part of the problem. I don't think he really even heard me when I told him that. He drew blood and sent it for a PSA test. The results were negative, so he sent me to an endocrinologist for additional testing.

The endocrinologist again drew blood and sent it for testing. The results were somewhat of a surprise to me. My testosterone level was considerably lower than it should have been for a male. I don't remember the actual count now but is was less than one quarter of the normal count. He prescribed a testosterone shot immediately and pills for the following months. Since I was still trying to be the male society expected, I took the pills for almost 18 months with some positive results for the initial condition. But there were drawbacks I didn't foresee.

To my horror I began to go through puberty all over again. I began to notice more hair on my face, hair on my chest began to grow and spread over my torso, the hair on my legs turned dark. My features began to turn less soft, my skin began to be rougher and no matter how much hand lotion or bath oil I used, the skin was not as soft.

Had I known that I would be getting a divorce from my wife, I would have never consented to taking the testosterone. As far as I'm concerned that was the biggest mistake I ever made. I'm only hoping that Hormone Replacement Therapy will help to reverse some of the effects of the additional testosterone.

Now I am divorced and currently living as a male, but I am beginning the long journey into womanhood that I know is right for me. I have started therapy, began to buy clothes and shoes again and I have begun to meet other's like myself. These new friends have provided me with a great deal of support and I'll be forever thankful to them for that. I finally started Hormone Replacement Therapy in August 2001. I have also made other changes, including considerable weight loss, pierced my ears and dyed my hair.

In early May of 2002, I began to experience pain in my left leg and after several days of discomfort I went to my doctor. As soon as I explained my problem and she looked at my calf, she sent me to the hospital for a sonogram on my leg to verify her diagnosis of a DVT (deep vein thrombosis). Her diagnosis was correct; I suffered a blood clot and have stopped all hormone therapy. Because of that, I've had to postpone my transition until I can restart my Hormone Replacement Therapy.

I went to the hospital immediately in male mode. I had to explain to the nurse in the Emergency Room admitting the medications I was taking and why I was taking Estradiol. I was taken to the Emergency Room and again had to explain to the doctors there the reason I was on Estradiol. After about 3 hours I was taken for my sonogram and after the sonogram I was sent back to the emergency room and placed on a Heparin drip. I remained in the ER for an additional 12 hours waiting on a room.

I was admitted to the hospital for treatment and remained there for 8 days on a Heparin drip and Coumadin. My blood work was done 3 times a day and I was told that on the first test my INR (International Normalization Ratio) was 1.2. It remained at 1.2 for 5 days and then increased to 1.7 for 3 days. Once my INR reached the desired 2.0 or higher I was placed on 10mg of Coumadin a day to thin my blood and sent home. It has been very beneficial in reducing the clot. Additionally, it was determined through the blood work that several years ago I had been diagnosed incorrectly by a previous doctor as diabetic. I have been taken of that medication as well with no ill effects.

On December 29th, I had another sonogram to determine the status of my clot. Thankfully the sonogram was negative and the clot is gone. My blood clot has been dissolved and is no longer a problem. My doctor has taken me off of my anti-coagulant but has not given the approval to start back on HRT. We have discussed the possibility of me starting my HRT again, He told me on February 3rd that he wouldn't say yes then, but for me to go home and consider all the risks and that we would discuss it on the 18th. I have made up my mind that the risks don't out weigh my desire to complete my transition.

© Copyright 2003 - Andrea Renee Anderson