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It’s Sunday Augurst 5th 2001. I lay in bed this morning thinking and wanting to go to church. With my new female ID, I feel comfortable going back to some of my old ways. This includes going back to a conservative church of which I would like to return. I feel overwhelmed with the events this month that are about to happen. This is the month that I go full time at work and officially begin my real life test (RLT). I feel a since of apprehension and excitement at the same time. But one subject and thought that I have on my mind constantly, that I cannot shake, is the self-image of a lonely middle-aged transsexual woman who marginally passes entering mainstream society. Most people greet my experience with admiration, curiosity and support. Many say, “I admire you courage”. Sometimes I think to myself, I am either courageous or just plain stupid. I feel like a perfectly sane person about ready to do an insane act of irresponsibility and poor judgement. For this decision goes against every grain of intelligent and reasoning I have. My emotional feeling is summed up by the words of Sarah McLaughan…
“I'm so tired but I can't
sleep Standin' on the edge of something much too deep It's funny how we feel so
much but cannot say a word No, we are screaming inside oh, but can't be heard” Sarah McLachlan
My story is not much different than a thousand other transsexuals. We all go through very similar circumstances and face the same obstacles. Yet, being in the LA Transsexual Community for almost 2 and a half years, I have realized that we all are unique individuals. I am transitioning at mid-life verses many younger transsexuals whom I admit I feel very jealous of. Universally, I think all mid to late T people unanimously feel this way. We feel cheated that life has passed us by. The best years are gone.
And then there is the Transgender community. I am not holding back anything I say. I have found most transsexuals to be the worse friends in the world (with exception of a few). I believe its because most T’s are consumed wholly with themselves (Period). With one’s life being destroyed to begin life anew. I suppose I can hardly fault any of my so-called T friends from the state of total self-consummation. The best T friends are those who have finished transition and are through the ‘self’ stage of their transition. Is transition ever complete? As a post-op friend wrote “We are like forever-unfinished projects, always getting better(well, i hope anyway)” Isn’t that true of the human experience. GG’s (Genetic or Genuine females from birth) get face-lifts, breast implants. Men are now getting face-lifts in record numbers as well as hair replacement. For me, I am finished with the transition, when the memory of my male past fades and I am able to live and function in society as female. I am complete when I am at home with myself. Do any of us ever-complete transition? I think it depends on the individual. As for friendship, anyone regardless of gender issues, have only a hand full of long lasting friendships. Those friendships are like gold.
Then there is love for the middle-aged transsexual. Some of my post-op friends have problems getting dates. Some are straight and some are lesbian. But for the all, the ultimate goal is to find someone who cares and loves you the same as you do them. To have a partner, lover, and close friend, that is something we all long for regardless of gender issues. Unfortunately, being transsexual only adds another layer of complexity to ‘love’. I say this especially for T women who want a straight man or for those with religious reasons feel like they cannot date until the surgery. Then there remains the problem of coming out for those who pass extremely well. I have known few T women who have even kept their history completely stealth in an intimate relationship. But even the passable have problems.
The transgender community has its share of shortcomings. Much anguish of Transsexuals comes from pain, isolation, and rejection of others within the same community. Many of the ‘passable’ transsexuals don’t want to be associated with, or seen with, those who pass less. Like wise, the more popular T’s are those who are passable and nice looking. It seems our community is guilty of the same bias lavished on the ugly of this world. Those who are beautiful and ‘good looking’ gain easier acceptance, respectability, and success based their looks. This is an unspoken bias in today’s American culture. Of course, there are other factors such as education, being savvy, and having a knack to interact with others. Unfortunately, the discrimination we complain about in main-stream society often appears within the Transsexual community itself. Then there are the T women who complete their transition and disappear into the ocean of society. While I fully understand the NEED to go stealth, the ones left behind often feel rejected and somewhat at loss. Generation after generation of this happening within the T community has produced the feeling that most transitioning friends are at best temporary. This is so unfortunate for three reasons: 1. Younger or new people in the community need roll models (successful and unsuccessful). The experience gained by transisted T’s is lost forever. 2. Political power and unity within the community are greatly reduced. I believe this is a major reason the general Transgender community (TS, TV, CD) will never gain sufficient political strength to muster any significant protective legislation. Thank God, there are some women within our community who have chosen to stay in the community and fight it out. 3) Finally, if society only sees or hears of Transsexuals who commit suicide, become sex workers, or are bad roll models, then the mental picture of most Americans of transsexuals will always be bad. I am convinced, that the best part of us (Stealth Transsexual Community) is never seen by anyone! To be fair however, most of my transsexual post-op friends argue that they have to get on with their life. They argue they are now women and want no association with the word Transsexual or Transgender community. I can also agree with this argument. For who wants to work so hard to be something and them compromise the final goal by living with two feet in different communities.
This leads me to the subject I really wanted to write about, the success and classification of post-op transsexuals. I see a glaring fault in our modern Standards of Care for Transsexuals. There are transsexuals who are NOT WARNED, by their therapist, of the consequences of not being able to fully assimilate into society as the newly acquired physical gender. There are Transsexuals who shot-circuit the RLT process having surgery without living full-time. This is not to question anyone’s need to transition; it is however a missed step when one is fully accessing the consequences of their actions. The same physiological needs of the most beautiful TS are the same for one less beautiful. The fact remains, not often talked about, that three classifications of post-op transsexuals exist.
1) Fully Passable. These fortunate individuals often are younger (hormones have the most effect) or can afford much needed surgeries to remove male features. Fully passable Transsexuals often go stealth. These are those who have a perfect presentation with voice and appearance. On occasion, they may get ‘clocked’* but never ‘read’**. In general, these persons interact with society and their co-workers effectively. This state is the dream and ultimate goal of every T person. Passable T’s often are able to forget about their maleness. These seldom question negative events as being associated with being Transsexual. Most are able to have successful relationships, find love, and find jobs. Many become successful women.
2) Passable – Marginal. These persons can live normal lives in society but may be clocked little to often and read occasionally. In general they are accepted in society. The basis of acceptance may be based on personality, looks, and presentation. One thing if sure about this group. There is something that ‘gives them away’ and raises red flags. The success of this group in assimilating depends on the nature of the problem. For example, a person may appear female all the way, but the presentation of the voice is not perfect. . Marginal T’s, depending of the person, often are able to forget about their maleness. These regularly question negative events as being associated with being Transsexual. About finding work, depending on the success of the transition time, one can pull off job interviews successfully as a female.
3) Not Passable. Most likely, this group has a problem with appearance or presentation. These may look totally female but walk like a truck driver OR may look like a truck driver and appear somewhat female. Unfortunate, these persons have the most difficult time! They have the hardest time finding work, assimilating into general society, and living peaceful fulfilling lives. The harsh reality of being not passable is often to much for one to handle. After all, their dreams are never fulfilled. The most successful of this group is the persistent, strong, tough skinned women who over come huge obstacles. Often, these become the activist in the Transgender community from which they are never really able to disassociate themselves from. . Non-Passable T’s have a difficult time dealing with their past gender. Their past male life is often an issue and struggle. These often accept negative events as being associated with being Transsexual. Finding a partner may become more complex for T’s who don’t pass. And as for work, this group has the most difficult time finding higher paid professional careers. These can sometimes find work depending on their persistence and ability to wait out tough times.
* ‘Clocked’ is then a person sees you and may notice some odd feature about your presentation. They may not associate you with being transsexual. On the other hand they may question your gender in their mind but will never know for sure. It is hard to know when you have been clocked
** ‘Read’ is when some recognizes you as the opposite gender you are presenting. They are reasonably sure, in their mind, you are not a female
For me I believe I am marginal. Will time correct my problem areas? Only time and the RLT will tell. My biggest obstacle now is my voice and weight. In general, I go everywhere stealth 98%. The clocking occurs in my interaction with individuals. I say I am clocked about 20-30 percent of the time. I am not often read. For me, transition is complete when the memory of my male self dies and I am able to live as a women. The success of this depends on the level of stealth I can achieve. After all, if I am called ‘Sir” then how can the memory of my male self fade? Then the quality of life as a woman is greatly diminished. I suppose my RLT (Real Life Test) will bring out that answer.
One problem not often discussed by therapist is the consequences of doing RLT. The reality is, the more you proceed forward, the less of an opportunity you have to go back. Therefore, if one fails the RLT, what options are available for you? Unfortunately some choose suicide. Each transsexual beginning RLT should question their ultimate goals as a base line. With the establishment of a base line, only then can we decide if our goal, to live a happy, fulfilling and quality lives, are met with surgery and being female. Below are the questions I hope to answer during my RLT experience:
1) Am I now happier now compared to living as a male?
2) Is my life more fulfilling and rich?
3) With each passing day, do you feel regret about your decision to proceed?
4) Do you feel more like your true inward person? Is the inside finally shining on the outside?
5) Are you making your life more miserable?
6) And your old problems, will they be resolved or magnified in transition?
7) Can you make a living and are you comfortable with your standard of living?
8) Has my new life complicated my ability to meet and date others? Or am I getting more withdrawn?
Many middle-aged transsexuals have long established careers, spouses, and children. Families are often destroyed, assets lost because some older transsexuals can never fully assimilate because of their pass-ability. I have seen T’s making 6 figure salaries go to almost nothing! These people are often forced to take low paying jobs or worse, work as sex-porn workers. It’s a real reality that many of us are not warned about by our T friends or therapist. In fact you will find many being supportive of you who are not necessarily being honest. The people most objective about our appearance and presentation are those out-side the T community. People and strangers of general society will often tell you the ‘COLD TRUTH’ about you! For these people have nothing to lose.
In Conclusion for mid-life transsexuals, consider what you are doing! I know many who are so caught up into their everyday experience that they can’t slow down enough to listen. Most I know are very hard headed! Almost all my friends are self proclaimed experts in the area of transexuality. And the ‘right way to transition’ is their way. The fact is, the right way to transition is what’s best for the individual. There is no right or wrong way to transition! Your transition and RLT will be unique for you and no one else. Be flexible and patient. I know we all want perfection now, but a good transition takes time! Some have skirted the RLT and had surgery only to question their own decision when faced with the difficult issues of RLT. One does not have to deal with a new set of issues introduced by surgery with those of going full-time. And while I don’t agree with all the Harry Benjamin Standards of Care , I must admit every transsexual should go through RLT! Remember this, the decision to transition is one of the most important decisions you will ever make in this life. You can get divorced and still go on. You can take the wrong job and still succeed, but to have surgery and not succeed produces the unthinkable.
Whew, I am glad that is off my chest.