Tiffany Comes Out
On Sun, 14 Nov 1993 , I posted this to alt.transgendered
After lurking there for awhile, I posted this "Delurking Post". This was my coming out to the online community.
Hi,
Y'know, I've often felt like the loudest lurker on this group. :-) Well, I guess it's time to tell my story. I sorta fear doing it, because I don't really fit with many of the stories told here....I guess I don't feel legit.
Anyhow, I'm 21 years old, a senior in college, living in the Colorado area. I sit at my computer, all of my...clothes laid out on the floor and bed....I can't really say for why.
The first time I dressed was a long time ago....I;d say at least 7th grade. I was watching some show on HBO, it was a compilation of old science fiction movies,hosted by Dan Acroyd and someone else. One of the clips, was about a man who thought he was a woman (or somethng like that) and his girlfriend. I recall he tore open his shirt to reveal a bra underneath. (I think today that the movie was Ed Wood's _Glen or Glenda_, but haven't seen it yet). The show ended with Acroyd getting in a motorcycle sidecar, opening up his shirt, to reveal a bra. Anyhow, this made me curious, so i sneaked into my sister's room, and took a bra and panties. I remember sleeping in them, but the bra made me uncomfortable, so i returned that.....however i remember i enjoyed the panties. I had my first orgasm wearing them.
I continued taking items of clothing (panties mainly) wearing them, having an orgasm, fealing very guilty, and then stuffing them in the dirty clothes basket. I would tkae her prom dresses, put them on in the bathroom, sit down on the toilet, and have an orgasm from the feelings, and from having my penis constricted.
I don't recall much of the interveening years, my sister left for college when I enetered high school. Some of her clothes remained at home, but i can't say for sure what took place.
I'll jump forward to now. I have a large collection. 1 pair of black 4 inch heel boots (kneeish hight), 2inch ankle, and 3 inch black pumps. Several dresses (one a leather mini dress), various lingere, large assortment of panties and bras. One of my prized pieces is a leather mini skirt that fits perfectly. a nightgown, and several night shirts more or less fills things out.
I list those to get an idea of what i like to wear. I lean toward the more fetishist side i think. These days, I'll maybe dress up when i'm in my room alone. Often I'll sleep in one of my sleep items. I have cleaned my room in a french maid outfit I bought at a halloween sale.
I get most of my stuff at thrift stores (I have a story of being a film student, collecting wardrobe stuf...don't know if it's believed) I've also bought garter belts at Solo stores, and stuff at targets, wal-marts, and even a gold lame', and black lace teddy at Mervens. I scan the sunday ads for great sales.:-)
uhm, I've been kinda rambling. but I've gotten this far...I'll finish.
This past halloween, a friend of mine went in drag...Spandex skirt, leopard body suit, fishnets, cigar, and goate'. Obvious campish. Well, on sundays my group goes to a local dance place. Sundays is "retro" night. Well, inspired by friend (and with the desire to dress) I decided to go as (what my friends termed) an "eighties' bop". (I wore the annkle boots, acid washed jeans (side buttoned) a black leotard, and a flash dance like sweatshirt...a friend of ours did our makeup...and puffed my hair....I looked cute :-).
Well (I negleted to mention that i rarely feel guilty these days, and the dressing doesn't rev me like it used to...I have to up the "kink level". Like from pantyhose to stockings with garters. I've found at least a 2 inch heel is needed.) We went out, and I gained a new apretiation for women ()the time needed for hair and makeup, the ability to use long nails (press-ons)) and my feet hurt for a few days from dancing in the boots.
I noticed that i didn't get hard once....I had thought i would have.
Now, I'm straight. I have never found a man sexually atractive. (I have found many women sexually atractive though). I have, however, been without female companionship for quite sometime (this owes a lot to a low self esteem problem, which i would not connect really in any way to dressing). I've atributed the dressing, and creation of Tiffany as a "persona" as a way of, in my mind, taking responsibility off my shoulders. In my mind and expierience, men have to ask a woman out, baring the majority of the risk of rejection. It's sexist (and wrong) I know, but, that is how i feel.
In opposition to this, though, two of the most erotic stories i have found on the net, "Joe,Beth, and I"and "Transformation", involve TV/men themes. The first has a male who swings with a couple being dressed and made up by the wife, and then "tenderly" taken by the husband. The second involves a submissive boyfriend being feminized by his girlfriend and her friends, and then being tought to give blow jobs, and be tkaen by the girls with a strap on dildo, with the promise of next week them finding a real man fo him to attend to. These, and stories like them, excite me, but i don't know if i'd ever want to try them in real life.
Well last weekend, things cchanged. A friend introduced me tosomeone who is one of the most beautiful women i have ever seen. This goddess confided to my friend that she thought I was cute, and told me the next day that she thought I had beautiful eyes. Nothing developed (yet..she lives in new mexico and I in more northen Colorado) but Iit gave my ego/confidence level a well needed boost.
And, apon my return here, I became involved, kinda, with a girl who lives upstairs. We're friends, but friends who get physical when the need/desire arises. And now, a girl whom i've flirted on and off for about half a year may sooleave her current boyfriend, and has hinted that I'm next inline, as it were (and her maybe-to-be-ex, is sorta insane so.....).
The girl i'm friends with is bisexual, and the thought continues to pop into my head that maybe i'll tell her...all of this..see what happens. And the girl with the nutso boyfriend is into the utmost in knik...so the thought works with her as well.
As I said, all my clothes are lieing in front of me...I'm not wearing any of them. I'm about to go to sleep, and am not sure if I'll be wearing any of it, or not. I haven't dressed in the past week, but I have bought a skirt and teddy this week at the thrift store(the story for these are as cloth sources I'm a member of a historical recreation group, and you never know what you might need for an outfit:-)
Uhm I guess that's it. I guess i catagorize myself as a fetishist, cuz, other than the occasional fantasy, i have no desire what so ever to be female.
I hope that the friends I've made here that are legit TV's/TS's will try not to think less of me.
oxox-Tiff
Things change in 5 years. Of the girls mentioned, I never saw the gorgeous one again, the girl upstairs and me really didn't get togther, and the third played me like a harp and eventualy got married and very fat.:-) (Her insane ex wanted me dead for awhile, began taking lithium, clued into reality, and now we're rather good friends.)
I don't buy from thirft stores any more. eBay is so much more fun:-)
I no longer have the shoes mentioned, and the leather skirt no longer fits perfectly:-(
I still haven't told anyone I know.
I received a number of replies to this posting. I still have them all saved. Most of them told me that I wasn't alone in how I felt. That my feelings reflected those of a number of other members of the newsgroup. That I shouldn't belittle my feelings because I don't want to dress all of the time or become a woman.
Those replies helped me a lot. Gave me a nudge towards feeling comfortable with this side of myself. More parts of the struggle are on my "Why" page.