If you find yourself in a position similar to mine and are considering a long term relationship with someone, I have only one word of advice: spend some quality time with some gender-knowledgeable people, figure yourself out, and tell them the truth now before it's too late. Sadly, my cultural upbringing did not emphasize openness (in fact, the proper behavior was to shield everyone from anything potentially embarrassing in one's life). That philosophy led me into a marriage under a cloud of dishonesty with someone I love dearly. Ironically, behind that cloud is the truth, yet society insists that the illusory lie is healthier for everyone...it may feel more comfortable, but it is certainly a false comfort in the end.

Why tell? Of course, you run the risk of your SO being totally turned off and wanting to run screaming from the room. That's their problem and there's little you can do about it. Even if that happens, it's probably a good way to measure their tolerance because there are probably hundreds of other quirks about you that your SO will need to adjust to over the years...you might as well find out how resilient he or she is now.

If you're worried about how to break the ice, bringing up the subject in the context of your fear of losing your SO, your love for your SO, and desire to forge an honest, trusting relationship should start things off about as well as possible. Sure, you can beat around the bush and watch Tootsie and Mrs. Doubtfire together, but you'll have a tough time reaching the level of seriousness that the subject deserves. If you're direct, your SO may be shocked, but should respect your honesty and should take it as an indication of the prospects for a good long-term relationship. You will have also given your SO something they deserve...the dignity of the choice as to whether this is the life they want to live.

Of course, in the confusion of the moment, it's hard to keep a level head and realize that this openness is really the best course. Know that it is, and hang on.

On the other hand, if you don't tell, you will be discovered some day. You will live a miserable, self-shaming, closeted life. That alone is pretty awful. But when your secret is uncovered either unintentionally or simply because you can't take the secrecy anymore, you will have crushed all the trust between you, your SO, your children, and all your relatives. Your SO will be furious that you lied brazenly for so long, your SO will feel betrayed because you denied your SO the dignity of choosing his or her life's path, and your SO will feel devastated because their life's investments have been lost. And with people angry at you, your family, your job, and your community standing may be at risk because angry people find ways to strike back. I'm extremely fortunate...my wife cares deeply about me as a person and is not vengeful; many others are not so lucky. You have one chance to do it right...make sure you find someone who accepts all of you and your future together will be infinitely richer.