Esprit 1999 Miracles

So many incredibly miraculous events occurred that I was left in awe just trying to comprehend them all. If these things were fated to happen, then Esprit was meant to be a major turning point in my life. OK, some of the miracles I talk about aren't all that remarkable at first glance, but they left impressions in my heart which will remain forever, so they earn the privilege of being on my miracles page.

On Friday afternoon's luncheon, the Port Angeles Light Opera Association singers performed for us. They were snappily dressed and not so perfectly polished that they seemed artificial; they were ordinary people from the little town of Port Angeles. Believe it or not, that's where the magic came from.

The singers did a charming set of numbers, all chosen carefully from traditional tunes, Broadway, and the movies. It's not too hard to figure out why they chose songs like "I Enjoy Being a Girl" (from the 1997 Rodgers and Hammerstein musical Flower Drum Song) but they also selected songs that celebrated freedom, life, and love. And there was also a loud, yet unspoken message of acceptance. Somewhere in the middle of one song, I started crying tears of happiness. It wasn't the song itself, it was the fact that a group of ordinary people were standing in front of over 100 TG's singing their hearts out, raising their hands and throwing smiles across the crowd, with not the least bit of apprehension about who we were or what we looked like. I wasn't alone in my feelings. Some others started crying too and because initially it seemed so out of place they were hurriedly surrounded by comforting arms to make sure everything was OK. When it was all over we gave the singers deafening applause...I honestly don't think they ever get such an enthusiastic reception or emotional reaction from their other performances.

On Saturday afternoon's luncheon we were treated to a lingerie fashion show from about 20 of the girls. Don't worry, the selections were all quite tasteful. The items were a mix of personal outfits as well as many loaned from local department stores and lingerie stores. All in all, the fashion show was entertaining, pleasingly choreographed (the girls practiced until midnight the night before), and the music selections were very complementary. One number in particular grabbed my heart, and I still shake my head in wonder as to how these coincidences sometimes happen. Several years ago our family experienced the sudden and heartbreaking loss of our dog to cancer. We were at the veterinarian's late at night, being given a grave prognosis, and spending our last minutes with our baby. We spent many minutes leaning over her looking into her eyes, trying our best to ease her breathing and arrange all her tubes so she could be comfortable. In the background, Louis Armstrong sang "It's a Wonderful World" and I replayed memories of our dog happily romping among leaves of green and clouds of white.

And then she was gone.

The same song played at some point during the fashion show. By Saturday the emotions were starting to well up in me already because I knew Esprit was coming to an end shortly. Needless to say, I started crying again. I was standing near the back of the room, quietly shaking, with tears welling up in my eyes. No one noticed, but in hindsight it probably would have done me some good to bust out bawling. Yes, it would have been a big scene, but spending a lifetime being stoic has not helped me any, and obviously I still feel a lot of sadness whenever I hear this song.

On Saturday evening we had our graduation ceremony for new Esprit attendees. I don't know why, but a strange series of coincidences ending up putting me at the very beginning of the graduation line. So I was the first one to receive my Esprit butterfly pin, the first one to grab my candle (which I held for over an hour), and the first one to have to make a speech. Well, not having a clue as to the ground rules for the speech, I kept it short and simple, and only said "I feel like I've been born." I guess I'm OK with that and it wrapped up my feelings pretty well. In hindsight I could have rehashed my experiences and thanked everyone but that wasn't really necessary. I was worried that I would cry uncontrollably because the ceremony symbolized the end but that wasn't the case...it wasn't my time yet (see The Aftermath). The party was a blast, the swing band was fantastic, and the hall was comfortably large with a great balcony for mingling and watching and a nice high ceiling for great acoustics and comfort. After the party, we all went back to the hotel to talk and check out the slumber party.

The slumber party was meant to be a chance to relax and reflect. My group ended up hanging around in the hotel lounge for a while to talk to some local people before going to the party. I met some really neat people and when the lounge closed, we wandered up to the slumber party. As we approached the room, we heard music. Remember, this is 2 A.M. in the morning and there's loud singing rolling down the halls. To our amazement, there was a barbershop quartet in the foyer and all of the girls at the slumber party were being serenaded. The quartet was traveling to or from a gig or competition and here they were belting out sweet melodies to a bunch of us T girls. So there I was again...in awe...soaking up the harmonies with a soft smile on my face. Eventually the guys had to call it quits because it was so late and we drifted back into the slumber party. The party was being run like an Ingersoll meeting with everyone being given a chance to check in and reflect. I honestly can't remember what I said when it came my turn...I was still in amazement that a barbershop quartet showed up at just the right time and place to sweetly close our final evening at Esprit.

Sunday was gloriously sunny and bright and after the final luncheon a few of us wandered onto the pier to enjoy the sunshine, calling gulls, and the waterfront. We walked out on to the pier, climbed up the observation tower, took a few pictures, and admired the mountains and water. And then we heard it...some excited yelling, and a tired breath of air. A small gray whale had come right up to the edge of the dock, surfaced, taken a breath, and spent a few moments swimming along the dock. It was absolutely incredible. Fortunately, someone else's camera was ready and now I have a picture! This being my first close encounter with a whale, I'll remember it for a lifetime.

After I came home I was buried in the whirlwind of e-mail and chat that took place among the Esprit attendees. I received some e-mail in particular from a GG whom I had met at Esprit. She was there taking care of her business, I was taking care of mine, and over the course of a day at Esprit we spent some time together talking. Talking deep stuff...gender, society, and relationships. In one of the e-mails I received she dropped a little bombshell on me...her experience at Esprit was so eye-opening, her experiences with us were so intimate and positive, that she came to the liberating realization that she was lesbian. She described the tears that were falling as she was composing the letter and I had to stop reading and hold myself as my own tears rolled down past my smiles. We have since exchanged many more e-mails and she continues to glow in the joy of her own self-discovery and self-acceptance. I'm very privileged and honored to have helped this happen.

And finally, I have to say a word for all the wonderful people I met at Esprit. The opportunity to spend time in such a loving and accepting environment is a miracle in itself. I want to extend my thanks to the sponsoring gender associations (Northwest Gender Alliance, Emerald City, and the Cornbury Society) and the executive committee's incredible investment of time and effort in making Esprit a smoothly and professionally run event. And to all the great people I met...my previously unseen friends online, my new friends from across the country, and all the new faces right in my own backyard...I thank you all. If there's ever an example where the whole is greater than the sum of the parts, this has got to be it. The energy, the love, the powerful emotions that can only be created in such a setting...none of this would have happened without everyone's smiles, everyone's frailties, everyone's celebrations, and everyone's fears.

What more can I say? Esprit left me with unforgettable memories...

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