Needless to say, Phyl' was dismayed that corporate raiders had made off with her secret recipe. To add insult to injury, the food industry giants tried to throw Phyllis in jail for ripping off their so-called original recipe; that's when things got really nasty. (And you wonder why these people go crazy in Montana! It's over this type of thing.) (p> The outpouring of public support and donations to Phyllis's Defense Fund were tremendous and caused quite a stir, eventually causing the suits to back down.

And now, on with our recipe! Les Grande Duchies proudly serve you...

Phyllis's Original English Muffin Pizzas

First thing you need is a quality toaster oven. The way Duchy Dave has always gotten one in the past is by telling his parents he's moving to a new apartment and they send one as a housewarming gift. Make sure it has a top brown only feature.

Next, get yerself a package of Mrs. Wright's® sliced English muffins. Don't bother with expensive brands with nooks and crannies, and don't get "fork split" because they'll be in shreds by the time you get 'em apart. Don't forget, we're makin' pizza here, so we'll need a fairly flat surface to our muffins.

Next, open the can of tomato paste and remove the contents. Best way to do this is open one end of the can, flip it over and open the other end, then push the whole nearly-solid mess right out through the can into a waiting receptacle of your choice. Don't forget to fish out that can end though because it'll hurt your fillings if you bite into it.

Spread gobs and gobs of the sauce evenly over the surface of the English muffins. Then, cut the luncheon meats into tiny pieces and sprinkle over the "pizza," unless you're a vegetarian, in which case, forget it.

Now, unwrap each individually-wrapped slice of American cheese food and fold over each of the four corners, which should leave you with octagonal (like a STOP sign, for you stoops who flunked geometry) cheese food. This keeps the corners from hanging off the edge and melting on the hot coils of your toaster oven.

Once you're figured that out, plop the "cheese" on top and season with plenty of oregano. You could add other toppings and spices I suppose, but Phyllis never did. Insert the little pizzas into the toaster oven and cook on toaster for a little while, then top brown only until the cheese product starts to bubble up and turn your favorite shade of brown. Be warned: It goes from golden brown to black really fast.

Allow to cool for a bit before eating or else you'll be walking around for the next week with those little slivers of burned flesh hanging down from the roof of your mouth. Bon appetit!