Yearning For Roots by Andria L. Johnson 4/96
I open my eyes to the night
Embrace the darkness
To know something whole;
A forest knows itself
And from whence it came...
And though I grow like this tree,
Nurtured on the soil of my ancestors,
My growth
Simply of their decay,
I yearn like the river
Churning to become sea and then rain
Thus to be river again...
To drink of myself!
Lustily to be me again...
Today I bathe in yesterday
And I weep with last week's rain
For I am not a forest.
Gabby asked me if I saw the beautiful rainbow
this morning
But I, of course, had been asleep
Curled up in false contentment for too long
So when I awoke the day greeted me
not with colors and beauty
I snored through that
To be met with wet grayness chilled
Did not even have to dry my hair
At least I match something now
~Andria L. Johnson 11/28/95
I.
sitting quiet
at the table
in the empty room of me
interrupt
come on in
there's nothing going on
today
nothing going on
so come on in
be with me
love me
pull the shade
can be no light until
I put it there
there
on the table
quiet
love me
love me
who I am will love you
feel and then be here
can you leave now
I'm ok now
need to be here
at the table quiet
maybe I will
cut the legs off
if there is the need
you need to go now
I can only feel
when well alone
so
go
need to be with me
only me
but still love me
I will love you too
but I need to be too
here
at the quiet table
empty room
no light for now
haven't put it up
yet
but next time
come in again
always good to see you
only too much light
for now
II.
didn't he tell you
once that
denial is the longest river in the world
she floats
not floats
she forces her way
upstream
that's what he was thinking
little salmon lady
what a fool
go with it
just leave me out
don't you feel at all
sometimes, he said
but mostly
I only exist
does she cry
every once in a while
he said, no
for then she can float
and the river
much more than a tear
and you can not see water
in water
but cry blood and be known
salmon woman
fight away
go back to your room
only come out
when you think
you are ready
when you can deal and feel
he warned of this
you need to heed
I will be someday
river
III.
What
Am I just so oblivious
Can I be too stupid
Fuck you
I know how it is
Get out of here
Too crowded in my head
For that anyway
So just get out
I can't believe it
You thought I was dumb
But
See this mouth
It can speak
And
I can think for myself
I can feel too
I can feel exactly what I feel
And you can't tell me how
So just go away
I'm not the idiot here
IV.
bird bird bird free bird blue sky
free free free alive
gather worms feed baby
teach baby flight
mommy
teach me to fly
that is all she wants
like the tree wanting earth
to reach towards heaven
maybe someday get there
I don't know
but tree reaches and free bird
flies there
wish wish I wish
I could too
leave here go there
do babies cry in heaven too
mommy gather worms
for an hour or two
helpless worms but they help
clear her mind
she's very busy there today
I don't even think she could
teach flight
tonight
but that does not matter
I never did anyway
she thinks a lot
can I
do you think I can
chop down trees
they too will fall
V.
so close to death
you've made yourself
so alive
what's wrong with me
~Andria L. Johnson 12/93
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