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Ah..
What If?
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Reality Timeline: February, 1998
President Dole has begun the second year of his presidential term. The ruling Liberal media elite is still stunned and has yet to recover after the tragic deaths of President Clinton and Vice-President Gore due to a replacement air-traffic controller misrouting Air Force One into the flight path of a Valu-Jet commuter flight at the newly-renamed Ronald Reagan National Airport two years ago. Hillary Clinton's candidacy was soundly undermined by the Christian Coalition after they alleged that she planned to replace the recitation of the Pledge of Allegiance at public schools with the dedication to Our Bodies, Ourselves. President Dole is finding his second year a rocky one, as the pigeons come home to roost..... What would change? It's all a matter of degrees.... Would Congress be investigating Buddhist temple shenanigans.....or the fact that Dole was breaking the law during most of his campaign since he legally exceeded his spending limit in the primaries? (hmm... with the Lott-Gingritch congress, probably not...) Would Bruce Babbit be getting grilled about double dealing to Indians who want casinos -- or would Dole be sweating over mention that Las Vegas and Atlantic City casinos were among his biggest campaign benefactors? And the sexual scandals would be, um, more fabulously colorful..... Bob Dole may be too pooped to pop (but not too old to divorce and remarry a millionaire heiress show-wife) but I can just imagine the varied shades of green Pat Robertson and Gary Bauer would turn as the fact that the second in line to the throne, Jack Kemp, is a closet fag! Maybe interns earning their "Presidential kneepads" could acutally use Jack's from his days in the Bills! What would 2000 have in store: "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" Free Enterprise Zones? Gold-Standard matching commitment rings? What would Steve Forbes think? There wouldn't be any Specual Prosecutors, of course... true to GOP form, Dole would fire em all. And instead of witty allusions to Wag The Dog, pundits would crack jokes comparing cold-warrior Dole's handling of Iraq to last summer's blockbuster, Jurassic Park: The Lost World. Why, some might even point out that Dole helped arm Saddam in the first place by voting assent to secretly fund him during the Iran/Iraq war... or that his predecessor Bush fought the ultimate Nintendo-sham-show-war in the first place, Gulf War I: A New Beginning (sponsored by Hill & Knowlton and all the good lobbyist/propagansists in the employ of Kuwait). And maybe Yeltzhin wouldn't wake out of a Stoli nightmare and nuke us till we glow: we've outlawed the US, the bombing starts in 2 minutes, har, har, my Replubski comrade.... And of course there's all those bothersome little things the "liberal" media would be too busy to mention, such as the economy being fucked beyond belief by a deregulatory climate; crime and poverty rampant; women and minority rights sacrified on the altars of religious right and expediency; the environment going to hell, an so on.... But we don't. We have the lesser of two evils in office, and Dole as a humble servant, mild-mannered registered foreign agent for Taiwan. So go back to sleep, and dream your X-Philes dreams (zzz....BIll Clinton is Paul, Gore is the Walrus....zzzz....Hillary is using Area 51 as a landing area for black helicopters flown by politically correct aliens from the planet Lezzzbo ..... zzz) The following is a paid political announcement from The Log In Thine Eye PAC who would like to remind you that 85% of the people on the bottom end of our Social Darwinist Dystopic income distribution would vote for a radioactive two-headed necrophilic gibbon as long as he didn't support trickle down economics..... WS (dept.
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