The Life and Times of Gillian Lynn - The life story of a male to female transsxual

The Life and Times of Gillian Lynn

I ask the non-transsexual visitor to try to understand Transsexuals before passing judgement on us. Many in our society label us perverts. They do not understand that gender dysphoria has nothing to do with sexuality or sexual lifestyle. I do not seek your pitty or your approval, only your understanding. My simple assertion is that we are also God's children.

Try to imagine the horror of a female soul trapped in the body of a male, or vice versa. Try to imagine the pain, shame and humiliation we go through every day of our lives. Our condition is not a matter of choice for us. We were born the way we are. Many of us stay hidden away "in the closet" for many years before we decide to "come out." It is not a matter of lifestyle but rather a matter of survival that prompts us to do so. The pain becomes so great that we can no longer live in our asigned gender role. The dysphoria becomes so intense that life just doesn't seem to be worth the effort. Many transsexuals attempt suicide. Only God knows how many actually succeed.

Like many of my sister transsexuals, I first became aware of there being a problem with my gender assignment at a very early age. I had not yet reached my fifth birthday, when on a Christmas morning, I opened all my presents to find nothing but boy stuff. What a disappointment that was! After days of anxious anticipation, waiting to open the pretty packages, I was destined to find absolutely nothing of interest to me. After examining the new toys in perplexed confusion for a few minutes, I tossed everything in a corner, never to be touched again, and went in search of my well-worn teddy bear.

By the time I was eight years old, the problem had become obvious to my parents. I can remember my father frequently telling me, in a wistful tone, "You were supposed to be a girl." My mother on the other hand was less understanding, not to mention less forgiving, of the situation. Even at that tender age, in moments of exasperation, she would call me a "little queer." Those cruel words have left a wound that remains open and bleeding to this day. In self defense, I soon learned to acquire at least some semblance of male mannerisms and tried desperately to please my parents . . . something I would never be able to accomplish as far as my mother was concerned.

At the age of 13, I attempted suicide. The onset of puberty and all its implications, was more than I could bare. I saw myself becoming unmistakably male and hated my body more and more as the transition progressed. I made three other attempts at taking my own life at various times. All these attempts were directly related to my gender dysphoria.

My dysphoria reached such a peak that I did a bilateral orchiectomy on myself. In case you are wondering what that is, it means that I castrated myself. This is not a procedure that I would recommend to anyone. It is far safer, not to mention less painful, to get a qualified surgeon to do the job if you are so inclined. I did the job in two stages, three weeks apart and I nearly bled to death the second time. The first thing people ask , when they learn of this, is "Didn't it hurt?" Of course it hurt! It hurt like hell! But that pain was nothing compaired to the pain I felt inside. After my little "operation" the depression that I have been plagued with all my life all but disappeared. Now that my body is no longer poisoned by testosterone, I feel much more stable emotionally and mentally. The addition of estrogenic herbs has also done much to help me in this respect. As I see my body taking on a more feminine look, I feel more and more comfortable with it. At long last, I am getting a body that matches my soul.

The first time I went out in public dressed in femme was last New Year's Eve and by the stroke of midnight I was feeling totally at ease and natural. I had previously dressed in private but only on rare occasions. Once I had "made the plunge," however, I found that I didn't want to get out of the pool. On February second, Groundhog Day, Gillian Lynn climbed out of the closet, saw her shadow and hasn't looked back since. I now live as a woman full time and wouldn't go back to trying to live as a man if my life depended on it.

My romantic life turned out to be just as confusing and unsatisfying as everything else in my life. I have had 4 long term relationships. I was unable to establish a strong relationship with any of them. I could never be the man that they wanted me to be nor was I free to be the woman that I longed to be. The result was very dissatisfying in all cases and ended up in divorce or separation.

It wasn't till I was able to accept femininity that I found happiness. For half a century I lived in denial, suppressing my feelings and trying desperately to conform to my assigned gender role . . . and for half a century I lived in total misery. If nothing else, I have learned that to find true happiness, one must be true to one's self. Trying to be something that you are not is both dissatisfying and destructive.

It is impossible to change the soul to fit the body but one can change the body to fit the soul. If you are a transsexual and ambivalent about beginning your transition, my advice is to begin as soon as possible. That is the only road to happiness. It is true that we all have situations that make transition difficult, but there is never an easy time to begin. The only good time is NOW. As you learn to overcome the problems that arise during the transition process, you become more confident. Once you develop confidence you will find that problems arise less frequently. Change is always a frightening thing, even change for the good, but change is the one thing that is essential to our survival.

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