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Paula's Online Journal
30 Nov 1999, Part 1 - Did Someone Say Transition?
Another 8 months has gone by, yet so much feels like it was yesterday. I will try to fill you in on all that has been going on and where I might be going in the next few journal entries. Then, with my new design, hopefully I will then have a bit easier time keeping my journal updated. Of course, that depends on how much I improve in my "time management" skills.
April-June The big news is that my position at work is ending. I'll have to find a "real" job, which means less time flexibility, telecommuting and longer work days - boo. With great hopes, I work on my resume, focusing on transitioning to a web/internet position. My final 90 days are spent transitioning the customer to maintain all the source code and testing programs we had used. Quite a distracting amount of work, taking away from my time needed to really prepare for my journey into the world of career searching. As it was, the customer would not be ready until the last 3 weeks of May - nothing like a challenge to end one's duties.
On good advice, I push out my "no-position-available-so-we-will-have-to-let-you-go" grace period by taking a leave for the month of June. This will give me a break, time to regroup and focus on what it is I really want to do - nice thought, anyway. Reality was, I was just as, if not more, busy than before. Where did the time go? I had no R&R days, no kick up my feet and watch the grass grow moments, no stop and smell the roses. What gives? I still have no clue as to what I want/can/prefer to do. Well, actually I do, but I am not so sure I can afford that drastic a cut in salary. More on that later.
I have been going full-force with the NWGA's newsletter and being a Board member. Esprit and the work before and after has come and gone. The club hit a big growing pain snag over being turned down from meeting at an establishment. The email flames, concerns were really flying. The energy turned ugly, talk of legal action, lawyers, defining "standing up" and just who were and were not walking the talk. In the end we would lose our President, lose the effectiveness of the Public Relations person and be thrust into how to continue to move forward, to bring closure. A lot of energy went into keeping things civil.
I must admit to moments of wanting to just walk away. No one is paying me, I am doing this because I volunteered. To then have so much anger redirected at me (generically) and be told I must do this or that is like, "Hey, I do not have to do this!" But with good advice from friends and some deep soul searching, I focused on my commitment to the membership and the newsletter.
Little would I know that June would be the last time I would have enough time to get out and visit with friends and be an active part of the advocacy work that I have come to enjoy. In May I attended the state PFLAG conference in Corvallis, OR with Lori. I met more of the wonderful parents, families and friends that make up this super organization. I am so touched by their work and their truly embracing attitudes. I started attending the PFLAG-Portland monthly meetings and found a second home. I am just so touched by PFLAG and am so glad that I am a part of their organization and work. A special thanks to Donna, Linda, Jan, Illeana and so many others there.
With Lori, I made another public "appearance" and was a guest on a local, alternative radio station, KBOO. Not too use to the rapid-fire, no dead-air-space format. But, it was cool. Sometimes I still have to ask, did I really do that? Lori invited me to attend the Basic Rights Oregon (BRO) luncheon honoring companies and people who have made significant contributions to the advancement of freedoms and rights for the GLBT communities. What was really cool, is that I had an appointment earlier in the day with one of my therapists, so I was able to spend most of the day officially as me. Often, I am going before or after work, and since I am pre full-time transition, I "present" as the other person.
It was a beautiful day, and I got to spend a fair amount of time walking outside as the two events were several blocks apart. It was really neat to be there to honor the Tanner plaintiffs and the ACLU lawyers, who made such an impact on many lives in Oregon.
This year's Pride Parade was fun and, reflecting on where I was last year, so much different. What a difference a year can make. In contrast to last year, this year I walked around early, I collected autographs for my parade t-shirt, hugged so many people that have been a part of my journey and life. This year, the parade was the same length, but was too short to march with all the groups I would have liked to. I did march with PFLAG, the NWGA and with CAP (Cascade AIDS Project) where I have been volunteering 3-5 hours per week.
At the festival center, I would run into a ex-coworker who I had known. After some initial, "do I know you" looks, he finally recoginized me and then made my day with, "You look gorgeous!" Thanks, Bill.
My marriage partnership is more clearly on the way out. The greatest struggle is what this all means to Evan. I have been his primary day-time emotional support parent. Our bond grows and grows. I cannot see giving that up just because I am not the biological mother. But, I also do not want to "take" him away from her. This is going to be very, very hard.
June would also be when I start HRT - hey, moving forward.
Transitions. Did I mention 3 or was there more? I am losing count. To be continued....
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