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Paula's Online Journal
30 Nov 1999, Part 2 - Out of Work, Out of Time
July-October The job opportunities at work are not there for a non-EDA (Electronic Design Automation) engineer with no electrical engineering background - hey, I am an artist. So, I continue to search outside the company, meet with people to research the possibility of changing careers from a software QA (quality assurance) engineer to a web content designer/developer and start making more outside networking contacts.
I am also scheduled to meet with my manager and HR person to go over my severance package - gosh, what a horrible word, even though it is probably an accurate description of how I am feeing right now, severed. Hard to believe that one's work career can come to such an abrupt halt, especially after being somewhere for almost 10 years. What's a resume? What's career networking? And worse, yet, what's a suit and tie? I shudder when I think about that aspect since I am pre-full-time transition.
On top of that, our full-time nanny's contract is ending. We at first find a place in our neighborhood that receives high praise from our neighbors. I spend a few hours there with Evan to see how he does and how he interacts. Unfortunately, if I am around, I am his primary focus, so we spend most of the time. Just as I resolve that we have to do this and resolve that the new place will be okay, I am hit with a change. A friend of ours said she would like to care for Evan. So, in a last minute change, we have her spend some time with Evan - he has always liked playing with their son, and talk and decide that this will be good - someone he knows and enjoys being around.
Just when I think this may work, and have adjusted to what I felt was an unfair drop-off/pickup schedule (since I am living out of the house) our friend has decided that she cannot continue to watch him for the amount of money that was agreed upon. This part was taken care of between Elizabeth and her as they were friends first. There were other issues going which I will not go into here, plus, it is their thing, not mine. I have always had a good relationship with our friend and, even though I have known her less, have always considered her and her family friends. She has also been very supportive of my transition.
So, we now must also once again look for a regular preshool for Evan, again. The local place is out because she really cannot handle his special diet needs nor can she guarantee how many kids she will actually be caring for. To shorten this part, we did find a place, but it only has a two-day per week opening until fall. We go ahead, and I spend the time working with Evan through transitioning. I have also moved back into the house so our combined expenses are reduced, fully knowing that we will be dealing with divorce issues.
The parting/leaving him has been the hardest part. I feel like I am abandoning him, even when he knows that I will be back. Plus, with all the time that I have spent with him, we are extremely bonded. His cries and sad face are always too much and I cry as well. Sometimes, I just want to go back in and say, "Let's go home." But, I know that I cannot afford to not work, pooh.
We are adjusting, we made to the time when there was a full-time opening and I still have a hard time leaving when he is upset. Even when I stay a little to help him transition to his teachers. I sure wish I could just stay home and take care of him.
Well, through all of that, I am also trying to find a job. I am writing my resume, searching the internet and working with a few consulting companies. All those words of, "You have a lot of skills and talents, the specific technical pieces should not be an issue," are no longer very positive words. Everyone wants someone with the specific technical skills to jump right in and go, no initial training. I feel outdated and obsolete. I cannot even do what I have been doing, let alone do something different at a pay cut that would make life very difficult. Especially since I will have to deal with housing, custody, property splits, all those fun things.
Interview after interview - we really like you, but.... For a while, I really felt depressed about work and thought about doing some things that I did a very long time ago. But, being in the depressed mood that I was, I figured that I would likely not find a fit there either, since I have been away. Could I win the lottery? Oh, sure.
I finally decide that, since I cannot really use my personal site nor probably the ITOR site for references, I would create a very customized online resume that will show off some of my skills. (If you know of a QA-type position for a company with a web/internet focus, send me an email and I will send you the URL of my resume web site.)
During this time, I have also pretty much dropped out of sight socially, does not seem like much time for all that. My days are full, taking Evan to preschool Tuesdays and Thursdays, being Evan's primary parent for the rest of the days (yes, even with Elizabeth around, I am the one who spends the time with Evan), and in between there, researching jobs, working on my online resume, interviewing, responding to all my friends emails and still working with Lori on workplace issues for ITOR. So, since I had so much time on my hands, I decided that to refine my skills further, I would also update my website with improved programming and design.
When do I do all of this? Well, my therapists and close friends wonder how I have operated on so little sleep for so long. Where I get my time is to put in a lot of hours after Evan has gone to bed at 9:00pm. (I will leave it to you to calculate my average 4 hours, with getting up by 6:00am to do all the morning Evan things.)
I can only tell them that my incentive and motive are high - Evan. To not deprive him of the important emotional and physical needs. To do this with little direct support myself has been extremely difficult, trying and tiring. But, I am a survivor, I guess and my dedication is great.
Out of work, out of time, but not out of love or hope.
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