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Paula's Online Journal
01 Dec 1999 - Candles Burning
Pending divorce, unemployed, unknown housing, custody, property, employment and transition, full-time preschool for Evan (and its associated separation anxieties for parent and child). Loss of involvement in areas important to me, and which gave me a tremendous amount of joy and satisfaction - the NWGA newsletter, less time with ITOR, my volunteering at CAP. Major adjustments to my own personal time, in order to take care of important needs. All that resulting in an average of about 4 hours sleep a night. I cannot remember the last time I had more than that, when I had "time" to stop and smell the roses, to watch the grass grow.
I think of the phrase, "Burning the candle at both ends," and think that I have added several wicks in the middle to burn also. I wonder about how I actually had time to work and am so glad that, at that time, I had so much flexibility. My therapists regularly asked how is it that I can keep going, how am I able to cope? Most often I say, "I am not actually sure." I guess it is that there are important people and activities in my life. Each one, unfortunately even the ones that I have had to give up, very important. So, I continue, I survive and I grow. I will always make the time for the important things in life.
My family, especially Evan and Cassie, are very important. I love them very much. I often wonder what their lives will be like, will they be victimized by someone who does not like something about them? What does life hold for them? What started out as my transition, evolved to I cannot remain silent, has now grown to what about our children and how can I help make their lives better, easier, safer. So, I do stay involved as much as I can into anti-hate, discrimination and ignorance issues and activities.
The trans community and those reaching out are important to me. I remember my first steps, fearfully looking for that outstretched hand, the struggle of needing to talk and fearing reprisal. So, I remain as available as I can, responding to emails from my visitor's and those who found their way to my site through ITOR's or the NWGA's site. I welcome and embrace all on their own journey to self discovery, to becoming Real.
Then, of course, there is the matter of income. I have spent many hours working on my separate online resume site and the pages here. I have been slipping behind a bit, and so, I immersed myself in the best cost effective way, for me, to try and refine my skills for a world that is increasingly computer and internet dependant. It has been about more than just programming and data compression. It is also about making things easier, simple. I went through several design modes trying to ensure that there were no dead-end pages, that you could always get back to where you started and to also have a pleasant visit while learning about me and maybe a little about you.
So, I am burning up the candle(s) and, at times, feel like I am always a little tired. I am also blessed with experiencing the growth of Evan, the success of Cassie, the number of wonderful people I have come to call friends, the love of my very good friends who have sent so much support and that feeling inside when I have been able to help someone else.
Yes, the candles burn to offer light and hope.
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