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Paula's Online Journal
04 Dec 1999 - Holiday Reflections
As I think about preparing for the NWGA's Gala Holiday Dinner which is tonight, I think about the holidays in general. I think about last year, where was I, what was I feeling. Then, I was feeling more and more connected, I was about to begin my newsletter editor role, I was becoming more and more active with ITOR, more and more outspoken.
Lately, I must say that I am feeling a greater distance, a stronger dissimilarness. With mine and others resignation from the board, there seems less awareness of current issues, less desire to deal with the tougher issues of life as a trans person. I have wonderful friends in the NWGA and I have respect for the club and its membership. There is, however, a feeling that there is a stepping back in some ways to the "old days" of focusing on just the fun stuff and leaving the political/advocacy work to some other group or persons.
There also seems to be less outspokenness, less willingness to question ideas presented, even if one disagrees. And, so it seems to present a picture of acceptance, an image that this idea is good and there is nothing wrong. While many ideas are good, awareness, education must start within the community, before it can begin to extend beyond. If we cannot practice what we preach, what is it that we are truly saying? For me, I look at life from a "It is what you do, not what you say that tells me about your beliefs." There are more details to this, but I will just say that I have remained, as much as possible, in touch with what is going on and often will respond to and/or question ideas which appear to have a harmful or negative impact on the trans community (or other communities as the case may be). Well, someone has to do it, so why not me?
I also realized that, Hey!, I have been on HRT for almost 6 months. I have been so busy and focused on so many things, that I can ever so easily forget to think about myself. I am very happy with the effects, others sometimes saying that the changes are happening quite fast. Beyond the physical changes, I am asked if I feel different emotionally, too? Do I react to things more emotionally? To be honest, I couldn't tell you if it is the hormones or the fact that I am dealing with so many emotional issues. I have over the last many years spent many hours in therapy, dealing with the whole range of emotional ups and downs of life. I have come to know that, even on "just" an emotional level, I have often been different than those around me. Perhaps, I cry more a little because of the hormones, but, it may also be because my defenses are lower and I am in intense emotional waters every day. Plus, I do feel strongly about a lot of things and I work to no longer pretend I am strong and that I will "Just deal with and keep a stiff upper lip."
Post Dinner Party: I feel like I have been in hybernation. It was so great to see everyone, to spend time reconnecting, finding out what everyone has been doing. Group get togethers are important, it is a time that allows us to make the most of our limited, often busy schedules. And I always meet new people. And as always, the evening comes to end much too soon and I haven't felt like I have connected with as many as I would have liked to.
Well, if I do not get a chance to add another update before year's end, I hope this holiday season brings each of you joy, happiness and love. Love, Paula
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