Fanatica Religiosa

(The old woman from the beginning finally comes back through toward the door. This time, her backpack is
full, though. Bruce only nods as she passes him in his current predicament. He hopes she’ll interrupt, but
she doesn’t. However, upon crossing through the new, high-tech alarm system, it goes wild. Bruce jumps
at the opportunity to leave the Mumble guy and goes toward the door.)

Bruce
Ma’am, would you step back in here, please.

(The MG angrily starts to march off, but gets flashed before he can. The flasher runs off again, and the MG
leaves, looking behind him toward the Flasher.)

FR
Why?

Bruce
Some kids may have put a book in your backpack.

(She stands for a moment, seeing all of the people staring at her, then steps inside, so the Bruce can look
into her backpack. As he does, several books topple out including such award-winning titles as “The
Satanic Bible,” “The Joy of Sex,” and others of a similar nature. The Bruce is confused.)

Bruce
You can check out “The Joy of Sex,” but “The Satanic Bible” is a reference book, and it has to stay on the
shelf, I’m sorry.

FR
They shouldn’t be on any shelf. These books only cause evil and dissension among our youth and in our
society.

Bruce
Who are you?

FR
I’m just a servant of our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ, and I proudly attend worship services at The
Church of His Majesty’s Supreme Holiness and Divine Right to Undermine the Operation of the Satanic
Operatives on His Greatest Creation Planet Earth in Waiting for His Divine Second Coming.

Bruce
What are you doing here? Why did you put all of these books in your backpack and try to leave with them?
Are you trying to uphold some sort of reputation?

FR
My reputation is sound. I love my Lord. I will do anything to uphold His word in this tumultuous world we
now live in, where sin and corruption are kept on the shelves of public libraries! This one, “The Joy of...”
well, I don’t even say that word....I don’t believe in it--

Bruce
Do you have kids?

FR
Of course. My offspring is always proud to carry on the grand traditions of the New Testament, and if you
knew Jesus, you would not have such things on your shelf. Were you implying something by interrupting
me?

Bruce
Not at all...

FR
To have books of this nature publicly accessible to our children is a travesty to everything our country
represents such as morality and family values. Even television has gone off the deep end, showing our
children images of violence and...things...of a bedroom nature. They even use foul language on television!!!
In my time, you never heard the H-word on television. It has now only become another outlet for the
servants of Satan.

Bruce
I was always under the impression that parents control their own children. Why don’t you let other people
watch what they want to, and control what your children watch? Keep it on the Disney channel or
something.

FR
(gasps greatly and slaps the poor Bruce) I cannot believe you would imply that such a station is even
suitable for children. Such violence as I have viewed on there has no ends. And teaching innocent children
that our Lord made the lower animals equal with us is abhorrent!!!

Bruce
It’s called an imagination, lady.

FR
If I weren’t a God-fearing woman, I would strike you again for even suggesting that the images the mind
conjures could even be of God. My children DO NOT engage in games relating to some devil-given
imagination. No, they only believe in the Bible, and what I tell them. They will grow up to be productive
members of their church community. God help me if they attempt to benefit society.

Bruce
What about freedom?

FR
Freedom is a word created by Satan to imply that God wants you to be able to make your own decisions and
choices in your life. God-given rights...hah!! The “pursuit of happiness” is a pagan value given to make us
think we should be happy on Earth, when we should not be, but instead be working our entire time to bring
His Word unto this tortured planet. I would teach you, but I see you are already a servant of Satan. God
can no longer help you, so I certainly won’t try. And your freedom does not extend to polluting our
children’s’ minds with filth such as these books represent. To even imply that this trash could possibly
represent anything helpful in the Lord’s society is a blasphemous gesture against the Word itself. Only true
heathens would even dare handle these cursed books for which innocent trees were so shamelessly
slaughtered; the same trees could have been used to create mission text or even more bibles for those in
need, but instead, the heretic powers in control of our down-spiraling nation insist on churning the paganistic
items now defiling my own holy backpack.

Bruce
You have a holy backpack...I have a holey sock...

FR
Stupid heretic fallen from grace, everything I possess has been blessed by God almighty. You need spiritual
healing my dear boy. I can help you know Jesus, for I see it is obvious you don’t. Let me lay hands on you
so you may feel the power of the holy spirit.

Bruce
Ma’am, I would prefer it if you kept your hands to yourself. There is something I don’t understand, though.
I may not be the Bible scholar you are, but---

FR
I’m not a scholar!!!!!!!!! A scholar is someone who studies only, I am a walking personification of the Word
itself!!

Bruce
Whatever you say, ma’am. As I was saying, I may not know the Word as well as you, but I have heard of
the ten commandments and one of them was “Thou shalt not steal,” wasn’t it.

FR
That it is. It still is, my fearful pagan boy. Thou shalt never steal, or else thou shalt feel the wrath of God.

Bruce
So, you’re stealing books?

FR
(angrily)
At the Church of HMSHADRTUTOOTSOOHGCPEIWFHDSC, we don’t call it stealing...(she snags the
backpack and turns toward the door)...WE DO IT FOR THE CHILDREN!!!!

(She runs out leaving poor Bruce looking completely stunned. In a moment, a tetchy old guy comes in and
starts talking to Bruce.)

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The Jim Steinman Temple

[And, of course, like any good Steinman material, this sketch is over 6 minutes long]
(The scene resembles something sacred, but instead of Jesus, the walls are decorated with pictures of Meat
Loaf, Bonnie Tyler, various album covers such as Bat Out of Hell and Faster Than the Speed of Night, and
of course, posters of Jim Steinman. A small “congregation” is kneeling before an alter with a podium. They
chant.)

All
We want you bad, We want you now.
We were born going faster than the limits allow.
Like a Bat out of hell, we’ll be gone when the morning comes
Then like a sinner before the gates of heaven we’ll come crawling on back to you
For crying out loud, you know we love you.
Amen.

(Following this, one of them rises and walks to the podium.)

Leader
Lost Boys...Golden Girls...down on the corner and all around the world, hear me now. Tonight is what it
means to be young.

All (repeat)
Tonight is what it means to be young.

Leader
We come here, tonight, to honor our lord and master...the incomparable, Jim Steinman.

All
Carpe Noctem

Leader
Tonight...we have a lost boy returned. As you may recall, when he was barely 17, he killed a boy with a
Fender guitar.

Member 1
Was it a telecaster or a stratocaster?

Leader
He doesn’t remember, but he does know it wasn’t at all easy. He said it required the perfect combination of
the right power chords and the precise angle from which to strike. Angie, please step forward.

(A member rises. It is Angie. She walks to the podium, but does not face the Leader.)

Leader
Turn around...(she doesn’t move)...Turn around...(She still is frozen)...Turn around bright eyes! (He spins
her to him) You were his golden girl and you abandoned him. Why?

Angie
There was nothing I could do. I had a total eclipse of the heart.

(The leader smiles, and as Angie continues he makes gestures made famous by tele-evangelists everywhere.)

Angie
I don’t know...every now and then...I got a little bit nervous when he was never comin’ ‘round. Every now
and then...I got a little bit tired of whisp’ring to the sound of my tears. Every now and then...I got a little
but nervous until I saw the look in his eyes...

(At this point, Raven, Angie’s lost boy, enters)

Raven
Turn around, bright eyes.

(Angie squeals and runs to him. She hugs him tightly.)

Raven
You’ve been holding out for your hero all these years?

Angie
Oh, when you hold me like this, and you whisper like that. It’s so hard to believe but it’s all coming back to
me.

All Remaining
Carpe Noctem

Leader
Such beauty cannot be found anywhere else in the universe but here. And now for the vows of love and
union. I do hope it’s more than mere infatuation.

(Angie and Raven hold hands, facing each other.)

Leader (to Angie)
On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses?

Angie
Yes.

Leader (to Raven)
On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses?

Raven
Yes.

Leader
May you forever be barely 17 and barely dressed.

All others
A wasted youth is better by far than a wise and productive old age.

Leader
All praise to the SteinGod!

All others
Carpe Noctem!

Leader
All praise to the SteinGod!

All others
Carpe Noctem!

Leader
All praise to the SteinGod!

All others
Carpe Noctem!

Sandra
Oh, Jimmy!! I prostitute myself before you.

(She falls to the ground.)

Leader
Do you mean "prostrate?"

Sandra (Looking up)
On no, I definitely mean "prostitute."

Leader
Confessions...

Member 2
I have a confession. I’d been looking for an original sin, and I think I have one.

Leader
Speak, my brother.

Member 2
I confess I heard the Nikki French version of Total Eclipse of the Heart first. (the congregation gasps) But
that’s not the worst part...when I heard....the original Bonnie Tyler version...(he is nearly in tears)...I
thought...it....was...a great...remake.

(He bursts into tears, and members of the congregation console him.)

Leader
You’ve got to wrestle with the devil in a heartbeat, my lad. This is good. Who’s next?

Member 3
I know that I’m gonna be like this forever...I’ll never be what I should. I was at a Meat Loaf concert...you
know, the ones where he picks audience members to be in the ultimate Stein-epic, Paradise by the
Dashboard Light.

Leader
To quote chapter one, verse 1, “I remember every little thing as if it happened only yesterday.” Of course.
Go on.

Member 3
Meat was telling about being sued for using Lawyers and Guns or something, and I said “Yeah!” I was
wearing my Steinman T-Shirt, of course, and he said to shut up. Well, later...when he was looking through
those index cards to find candidates for Paradise...he...well, he picked me!

Leader
Our Rock and roll dreams really do come through...

Member 3
It was terrible, though. When I stood up, he recognized me...he...well...he told me to...sit back down!!!

(He breaks down in tears and wails. The leader is infuriated.)

Leader
Surf’s up and so am I!!! You should know by now that the SteinGod chooses his disciples carefully, and he
who speaks against them will be struck down by them! We are appalled. You need more than love, my son.
Go to the chamber and turn off the lights, and you’ll be left in the dark again.

(Member 3 leaves, with head bowed.)

Leader
My brethren we must pray for our fallen one.

(He bows his head and the congregation follows his lead.)

Leader
Oh, Steinman...

Members
Oh, Steinman...

Leader
For all the hours he’ll be spending alone
And the dreams he ignored

Members
Read ‘Em and Weep

Leader
And all the promises he promised to keep won’t be kept anymore

Members
Read ‘Em and Weep

Leader
We wanna go on the red -- we wanna go on the green
We wanna go on all the colors we see in between

Members
Carpe Noctem

Leader
Everything is permitted
Everything is allowed
There is nothing out of bounds

Members
Life is a lemon

Leader
What about love and life and money and sex?

Members
They’re defective.

Leader
We owe our lives to you.

Members
Carpe Noctem

Leader
Tonight is what is means to be young

Members
Carpe Noctem

Leader
When Steinman rules the world!

Members
Carpe Noctem

Leader (with great enthusiasm)
Tonight is what it means to be young!

[Contains excerpts from the following works by Jim Steinman: Bat Out of Hell, For Crying Out Loud, Lost
Boys and Golden Girls, Tonight is What it Means to be Young, Love and Death and an American
Guitar/Wasted Youth, Total Eclipse of the Heart, It’s All Coming Back to Me Now, Read ‘Em and Weep,
Life is a Lemon, Everything is Permitted, Surf’s Up, Peel Out, Rock and Roll Dreams Come Through,
Paradise by the Dashboard Light, Neverland, Everything Louder than Everything Else, Original Sin, Holding
Out for a Hero, Left in the Dark. By Jim Steinman and Michael Kunze: Carpe Noctem. And by Jim
Steinman and Andrew Lloyd Webber: Wrestle With the Devil, Tire Tracks and Broken Hearts, When
Children Rule the World.]

End

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Woman of the 90’s

(A woman is standing near a door looking out at the audience. She acting like she’s looking into a mirror.
She’s in slacks, but has a T-shirt on.)

Her
Are we ready yet?

Him
Yeah, all I have to do is put my shoes on. (He walks in dressed minus his shoes.) We need to leave in about
10 minutes.

Her
Ok.

(He sits to put his shoes on, then looks at her. She leaves on his next line.)

Him
You’re not finished?

Her
Almost. Where were we going first?

Him
Well, I think I have the movie bit worked out, but as for dinner...did you want Mexican or Italian?

Her (returning with a blouse on)
Why don’t you just figure it out for yourself, I don’t care. Geez, why are men so indecisive? (she looks
back into the “mirror.”) Do you think this looks all right?

Him
Yeah, it looks great.

Her
Oh, I hate it. I have to change. (She leaves again. offstage.) Oh, yeah, I just remembered...we need to pick
up that thing I need.

Him
The what?

Her
You know that thing...

Him
What thing?

(She returns with a different blouse on.)

Her
You know, that thing that goes right here (she points to her wrist.)

Him (thoroughly confused)
What thing? Right where?

Her
God, men are so stupid! Listen to me. That thing that I need that goes right here! (She points once again
to her wrist.)

Him
Your watch?

Her
Watch? Watch?! Do you think a watch goes with this outfit? Where did you get a watch? You wear
watches on the other wrist, moron. That thing -- I can’t remember what it’s called, but it goes right here.
(She points to her wrist, again)

Him
A braclet?

Her
Did I point to my ankle? NOOOOOOO! I pointed here (to her wrist). You know, that thing I need that
goes here. Right here. Hello?? Stupid man!!! Why are men so stupid? How did I ever saddle myself with
such an idiot? This thing right here.

Him
I really don’t know.

Her
How could you not know? It’s so clear! AAAAAGGGHHHH!!!

(She begins pacing impatiently)

Him (confused)
What?

Her (with a moment of revelation)
Chocolate!! I need chocolate!

Him
Chocolate goes on your wrist?

Her
Remember? I was five years old and daddy out a melted chocolate kiss here (she points to her wrist) How
the hell couldn’t you remember that?

Him
Umm....

Her
Oh, nevermind, men are stupid pigs anyway. Are we ready to go yet?

(During his answer, she grabs the cordless phone and calls someone)

Him
Yeah, I just have to grab my wallet and keys..... (He stares a bit stunned)

Her
Hi, Velma, what’s up?....He didn’t.....Oh, my God.....I told you men were stupid....Mine, oh, he’s stumbling
around confused as usual...

Him
What are you doing?

Her
Yeah, he--do you mind? I’m talking on the phone. It’s very rude to interrupt. So, anyway, Vemla, back to
what I was saying, we’re supposed to be going out (she quotes with one hand), and he’s just not getting
ready to go...yeah, we’ll probably never get out of he--

Him
Hello? I’m ready to go. I was ready before you were ever done dialing.

Her
Hang on, Velma...will you please shut up? How could you be so rude, don’t you have any manners at all?

Him
Yes, I’m going to keep our date with or without you.

(He starts for the door. During her following conversation, he pauses to wait, and when he discovers she’s
not coming, he leaves and shuts the door.)

Her
What a pig...anyway, Velma, can you believe how rude this guy is? He seems to think the world revolves
around him or something. Anyway, how’s everything with you?....Good....Oh, yeah, I know they just can’t
be trusted at all. They just never seem to do what you want them to when you want them to do it...I
know....

(fade out on similar talk)

End

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Veggies

(A Man is walking down the street carrying a tray of vegetables. The Veggie Guy from offstage gets his attention.)

Veggie Guy
Hey...excuse me...

Man (looking around)
Yes?

Veggie Guy
Excuse me...

Man
What?

(The Veggie Guy jumps onstage and walks toward the Man.)

Veggie Guy
Are those...vegetables you're carrying?

Man
Well...well, yes, they are vegetables.

VG
Are you....a veggie?

Man
What?

VG
Are you...a veggie?

Man
What's a veggie?

VG
A veggie...is one who carries and/or eats...vegetables.

Man
I am carrying vegetables--

VG
Then you're a veggie!!

(Beat)

Man
But, I don't like them...

VG
You don't like vegetables?

Man
No!

VG
Then why are you carrying vegetables if you don't like them?

Man
Because...they're not mine...

VG
Not yours?! Whose vegetables are you carrying, then, if you're not carrying your own vegetables? What did you do? Steal them? Veggie!!!

Man
No!! I'm not a veggie! I didn't steal them; they're my mother's.

VG
Why are you carrying your mother's vegetables?

Man
Because...she asked me to keep them for her.

VG
Your mother asked you to keep her vegetables for her? Well, what are you doing? Taking them back?

Man
Well, yes. She has space in her refridgerator now.

VG
Your mother gave you vegetables to store in your refrigerator?

Man
Yes

VG
Why?

Man
Because she didn't have enough space.

VG
But you're carrying vegetables.

Man
Well, yes.

VG
So you are...a veggie!!!

Man
No! My mother's a veggie! Go beat her up!

VG
You want us to beat up your mother?

Man
Well, no.

VG
Then why did you just say she was a veggie and to go beat her up?

Man
Nevermind, I love my mother.

VG
Then why did you want her beat up?

Man
I don't want her beat up.

VG
Why'd you say it then?

Man
Oh, shut up!...And leave me alone!

VG
Now, did you say you stored the vegetables in a refrigerator?

Man
Well, yes. I did say that.

VG
Are you a fridgie?

Man
Of course I'm a fridgie; everybody's a fridgie...even you're a fridgie.

VG
I don't own a refrigerator; I own an icebox.

Man
An icebox? What did you do, inherit it from your grandmother? Why would you have an icebox when you could have a refrigerator?

VG
Because then I'd be a fridgie, like you.

Man
What's wrong with being a fridgie?

VG
Fridgie's are stupid.

Man
Oh, so you're saying everybody's stupid, then.

VG
Not me, I've got an icebox.

Man
Then you're stupid having to go buy ice.

VG
What's the difference? Buy ice; use electricity.

Man
Electricity's cheaper; that's why.

VG
So..all right, I'll let you off the hook for being a fridgie. I can't very well take care of everyone, can I?

Man
Well, no, you can't.

VG
Well, all right then. Tell me. Do you like fruit?

Man
What?

VG
Do you like fruit?

Man
What, you mean, like, bananas and such?

VG
Yeah. You like bananas and cucumbers?

Man
Cucumber's a vegetable, isn't it?

VG
Well, nevermind, then. Stuff like bananas and apples and oranges, you like them?

Man
Well, yes, I do like them.

VG
Would you carry fruit?

Man
What? In a hat?

VG
No not in a hat. Why would you carry fruit in a hat? No, I mean, would you carry fruit? In a bag...like you're carrying the vegetables.

Man
I suppose so..

VG
So...very well then...are you...a fruitie??

Man
What's a fruitie?

VG
I surprised you had to ask. A fruitie is one what carries and/or eats...fruit.

Man
What do you eat?

VG
Meat

Man
So you're meatie?

VG
I don't discuss personal information with strangers. Are you a fruitie?

Man
I hardly understand your implications

VG
Do you carry fruit?

Man
Well, yes.

VG
Do you eat fruit?

Man
Yes.

VG
Then you're a fruitie!!!! Get him!!!

(The Man is chased off stage by the weird Veggie people)

End

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Football

(A bunch of guys are sitting around the sacred American box, the television, watching football. Atop the TV sits a VCR.)

All (not together, but sort of)
Go...go...go...go...YEAH!!!!!!!!!

Fred
Another Touchdown for the Army!!!

Tom
I told you...I told you!!

Red
Man, I just knew the Marines were going to block that one.

Henry
You thought wrong, Red, my dear boy.

Red
Hey, man, the Marines rock! You’ve seen that commercial where the marine takes out the lava monster...

Fred
That commercial is so stupid...

Red
You’re just jealous, Army boy...

Fred
At least my uniform wasn’t skid-mark brown....

Red
Well, mine wasn’t dyed in Crest....

Henry
Guys, you’re going to miss the kick-off.

Red
I hope the Marines win this time. I’ll really be owing Tom some money otherwise...

Henry
I dunno, Red, it seems like a bad investment to me...

Tom
C’mon, Henry, if the ol’ boy wants to make a little wager on the game, then let him...I’ll take his money. (He laughs and high fives Fred)

Henry
Hey, Fred, I’m low on beer here!!

Red
Need more beer.

Tom
More beer!!

All four
More beer! More beer! More beer! More beer!

(They continue until Fred’s wife enters with more beer. She distributes the beverages, then leans over to him.)

Fred’s Wife
How many times are you going to watch this?

Fred
What do you mean, woman? This is football! Every game’s different.

Fred’s Wife
Whatever you say....Did you let Red wager again?

Fred
Of course. It’s just a friendly game. Return to your place in the kitchen and wait for me to call you again.

Tom
Yeah, woman, get yur ass back in there.

(Fred’s Wife rolls her eyes, and returns the way she came.)

Tom
Ok boys, 30 seconds to go--

Henry
That’s about 15 minutes in football time...

Tom
Shut up. The moment of truth...right here, right now. Any last minute wagers, Red?

Red
I still got my fifty on the Marines.

Tom
Fifty for the Marine poster child.

Fred
Kill any lava monsters lately, Red?

Henry
Where’s your sword?

(Fred, Henry, and Tom laugh at Red’s expense.)

Red
Shut up, guys, they could still win.

Fred
Here we go!!! Army kicks off to Marines...

Red
Marines make a run for it!!

Henry
They fumble....they fumble!!!

Red (over top of Henry)
Pick it up!!! Pick it up!!!!

Fred
Army recovers!!!

Tom
They’re going for it!!!

Fred, Tom, and Henry
Touchdown!!!!!!!!!

Red
Dang it. I thought for sure this time...

(Fred’s wife enters with the commotion. The commotion continues.)

Fred’s Wife
Are you guys done yet?

Red
Hell, no. Rewind the damn tape, Fred.

Tom
Any wagers, Red?

Red
I’m putting fifty on the Marines. I know they’ll win this time...

End

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