The Electronics Superstore

(There is a worker standing behind a counter speaking on a phone.)

Worker
Electronics Superstore, you don’t know, we’ll BS you through it, this is Sam, what can I do for you?

Phone Guy
Uh, yes, I was wondering if you had one of those phone recorders?

Sam
Yes sir, we do. Did you need the voice activated recorder with it, or just the connection?

Phone Guy
Well, I was looking to secretly record my daughter’s phone conversaitons with her boyfr--

Sam
Ah, ah, ahhh.... If you tell me you’re doing something illegal, I can’t sell it to you... What was your name, again?

Phone Guy
Harry

Sam
Ok, Harry, when you come in, I’ll be sure to not sell you any phone recorders. Thank you for calling, bye-bye.

Phone Guy
Uuhh....

(Sam hangs up on the customer. Another customer enters looking completely clueless.)

Sam
Good afternoon, sir. What can I do for you?

Customer
Um...I was wondering if you had any phones....

Sam
Well, sir, there was a 50 foot wall of different phone styles as you entered, were there none of those you liked?

(Customer turns around to see the [non-existant] wall of phones)

Customer
Oh...I didn’t see those.

Sam
Of course not...what kind of a phone did you want?

Customer
Um....what do you have?

Sam
Well, I’d indicate the wall, but I realize what a fruitless venture that would be, so I’ll just give you a bunch of choices and maybe, just
maybe, you’ll be able to keep up.

Customer
Ok...

Sam
Right, first, what did you want your phone to do?

Customer
Um...what are my options?

Sam
Did you want it to dial out?

Customer
Um..yes, dialing out would be good.

Sam
Excellent, what color would you like?

Customer
What do you have?

Sam
White.

Customer
What if I wanted blue?

Sam
I’d say “I’m sorry, sir, there’s only white.”

Customer
Then why did you ask?

Sam
I thought it was a good question.

Customer
But you only have white.

Sam
And an excellent choice of color it is, too. Ther’s also the choice of cordless and corded...

Customer
What’s the difference?

Sam
Well, a corded phone has a cord attached to the handset and the cordless one doesn’t.

Customer
Does it come with a cord?

Sam
No, that’s why it’s called cordless.

Customer
Do I have to buy a cord for it, since it doesn’t have one?

Sam
No, that’s why it’s called cordless...

Customer
So, I don’t need a cord?


Sam
No, no cords.

Customer
So, that means I wouldn’t trip over it when I’m walking about, right?

Sam
That’s right, nothing to trip over.

Customer
Well, I’d like one of those.

Sam
We don’t have any of those.

Customer
Then why did you tell me you did?

Sam
I never said we had any, I just asked if you wanted one.

Customer
That doesn’t make any sense...

Sam
To you...

(Beat)

Sam
Do you think there are any other options you would like with your phone?

Customer
Well, what other options are there?

Sam
There are phones that dial for you...

Customer
For me?

Sam
Yup, for you.

Customer
Do you have any of those?

Sam
Nope, but it sure is a cool idea isn’t it?

Customer
What do you have? I’m really losing my patience, here....

Sam
Perhaps you should see someone for that...

Customer
(Fuming)
What do you have in the way of phones?

Sam
This.

(Sam pulls the box to a plain white phone, and sets it on the counter.)

Customer
This is the same phone I bought last time.

Sam
Well, if you’d just said something, we could have skipped a few steps.

Customer
How much is it?

Sam
The phone?

Customer
What did you think I was talking about?

Sam
I thought you might be talking about the cost of our brand new line of cellular telephones.

(He pulls one out and shows it off.)

Customer
I wanted a normal phone. How much is this one? (indicating the one on the counter.)

Sam
This phone (The one in his hand) is only $99 for a limited time after the $50 rebate. How many do you want?

Customer
None. I want the phone on the counter, here. How much is it?

Sam
Fine. I didn’t want to sell you that phone anyway... It would have only helped my commission out and made me look great in the eyes
of the district manager...

Customer
How much is this phone?

Sam
(A little mad)
It’s 9.99.

Customer
Ok, I’ll take one.

Sam
Right. Let me just ring one up for you...lessee..your total is 39.96...

Customer
What? What was the tax on that?

Sam
Tax? Oh, that was just the commission...I totally forgot tax.


Customer
Wha--

Sam
Lessee...sales tax, state tax, federal tax, import tax, stamp tax, customer appreciation tax, turnpike tax, road tax, street tax, boulevard
tax, avenue tax, washington tax, taxable tax, computer usage tax, non-computer usage tax, tape tax, television tax, electric tax, gas tax,
linoleum tax, silly tax, politician paycheck tax, mayoral tax, improvement tax, and personal tax.

Customer
Personal tax?

Sam
Yes, that’s the tax I entered in myself. I doubt anyone’d notice.

Customer
I’d notice

Sam
You’re too stupid to notice. If I hadn’t told, you wouldn’t have known a thing, so go back into your own little world and enjoy your
phone.

Customer
How rude!

Sam
To imply I have a lack of manners reflects badly on you...

Customer
Enough...what is the total?

Sam
$93.45

Customer
93 dollars and 45 cents!!!!!! I won’t pay that!

Sam
Then you don’t get a phone. Have a nice day...

Customer
But--

Sam
Have a nice day....

Customer
I need a phone--

Sam
Not unless you pay...

Customer
But that’s outrageous...

Sam
Good day...

(The customer leaves a bit angry.)

Sam
Have a nice day, sir....

Customer
Harumph!

(The phone rings. Sam answers.)

Sam
Electronics Superstore, you don’t know, we’ll BS you through it, this is Sam, how may I help you?

Phone Voice
Uh, yes, I’m looking for a particular battery....

Sam
What kind of battery?

Phone Voice
A round one.

Sam
Well, you’ve narrowed the field to about 300; would you care to be more specific?

(Following lines fade out)

Phone Voice
Uh...

End

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