Bluehook's Diary

I started doing this diary in June. If you haven't been following have a look at the Cast of Characters which gives a quick low down on the essential day to day characters who are mentioned here...it will make more sense if you do.


Another year over, another new one just begun. I'm writing this late because I never got around to last night's entry last night and so I might as well do today's too, even though it's still early evening.
So yesterday (last year) I didn't do much except for getting a bit of a wood stash together, hauling loads of dead branches down from the field, then cutting and chopping it all up. That was quite satisfying and it's nice to not have to be bothered with wood for at least a week. I hardly saw anyone all day, just missed a phone call from Sharon and Nicole but they said they'd be round later, Lisa phoned and said she was maybe going to turn up later with some extras.
I was glad somebody was coming round since Irene was going out to a big party with her kids and I didn't have a clue what Lorna was doing. I knew I didn't want to go out to any of the parties myself but I was quite worried that I'd end up pouring champagne for myself at midnight. The Lisa crew didn't turn up and nor did Clare but Sharon and Nicole came and brought Jane and Loey so, in the end, I wasn't alone and we had a nice evening and Sharon had brought her guitar and she sang us some songs and Loey sang some songs and it was sweet and I was full of gratitude to them for being there.
And now it's the first day of the new year and I've seen no-one, the rest of the house is shut away, doing their own thing. I spoke to my mother on the phone and Heather rang as well, or else I would be wondering if I can still speak. It's so weird to be in a house full of people and feel so lonely. Is this my feeling for the year? I didn't start last year so well either, I was feeling scared and nervous and sick and I've passed the year without any moments of great and unfettered happiness. I'm not saying that nothing nice happened at all, but there was always something to be worried or nervous about. And what I fear is that the thing I fear the most (whatever it may be) will be the thing that will be brought into being by that fear. I can't even name it or I'll just have to worry that naming it begins the self-fullfilling prophecy process.
So, ummm.....
Happy New Year.


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