THIS WAS SENT TO ME BY ONE OF THE GUYS I WORK WITH... HOPE YOU ENJOY IT!
It looks long, but trust me...it is worth it!
Warning-even though the rest of us know that the creator of the universe
clearly has a sense of humor, I'm sure this one will most likely upset
the fundies. I accept that in the cosmically unlikely event that God
really does turn out to be a bald-headed old man with a white beard, an
unshaven guy with nail holes in his hands and a mysterious pyromaniac in
a bedsheet, I'm in deep trouble for having written this page.
I'll take
my chances-there's no need to send me e-mail telling me that the gas is
even now being turned up in hell for heathens such as myself.
The notion of God having given human beings a set of rules to live by is
common to many faiths. The most popular expression of this in western
culture is, of course, the "Ten Commandments". It might be argued that
these have attained their popularity more through the ministry of Cecil
B. DeMille than through any antediluvian rock-climbing performed by
Moses. For one thing, the commandments given to Moses as they appear in
the book of Exodus number fifteen, not ten. Most of these are open to
considerable interpretation. For example, they include an admonition not
to covet thy neighbour's ass. Clearly, this is somewhat unspecific-aside
from failing to distinguish between beasts and buttocks, it doesn't
suggest what to do if your neighbour has a really nice ass.
The heavy fifteen are followed by a number of lesser injunctions,
including "Whosoever lieth with a beast shall surely be put to death."
Once again, this is exceedingly vague. It will no doubt send a chill
through everyone who's awoken to find that the cat has snuck into his or
her bedroom.
The world has become a more complex place in the five or so thousand
years since the "official" commandments were written-and then
copy-edited a few thousand years later by the early Christians. More up
to date instructions are clearly called for. The following is a list of
supplemental commandments for the nineties.
Thou shalt not .
1 compose limericks at a funeral
2 teleport within sight of technologically-inferior species
3 use the "X word"(1)
4 brandish an Uzi while driving behind an old person
5 say "groady"
6 fast-forward through the commercials
7 teach a ferret to yodel
8 have misplaced priorities
9 align yourself with the dark side of the force
10 freeze-frame to look up Jessica Rabbitt's dress
11 buy stuff made in sweat shops unless it's really trendy and just to
die for
12 talk to Elvis at the dinner table
13 drive old clothes to Goodwill in the Jag
14 max out the plastic
15 order anchovies on half the pizza
16 practice bagpipes in an avalanche zone
17 quote Virgil or Ovid to justify leasing a beamer(2)
18 knowingly eat tofu
19 drink pasteurized beer
20 allow yourself to become excited while discussing mutual funds
21 whistle tunes from Cats while your mother-in-law is having
triple-bypass surgery
22 claim that the cheque is in the mail
23 develop innovative new uses for sheep
24 give Spandex to anyone who sweats excessively
25 put people on hold unless they appear to be salesmen
26 honk off a rottweiller just for a rush
27 convince stupid people to try cordless bungee jumping
28 exhibit liberal tendencies
29 ask if it fired six bullets, or only five
30 microwave the cat
31 substitute Semtex when all the Playdough's gone
32 be perky
33 forget to clean the filter in the gene pool
34 deliberately buy the brands of tuna that include extra dolphin
35 surf the net in your underwear
36 hum the theme from "Masterpiece Theater" during a monster truck pull
37 make house flies atone for their crimes
38 forget to rewind
39 juggle goldfish in the subway after midnight
40 give the Kama Sutra as a "get well soon" gift after a vasectomy
41 smoke in a space suit
42 derive amusement from crazy glue
43 tie-dye your stock broker
44 blame it on extraterrestrials
45 cut your toenails with a weed-whacker
46 describe dead people as "metabolically challenged"
47 make offerings unto the false gods of perfect hair, increased lung
capacity or one percent body fat
48 suffer a poodle to live
49 covet thy neighbour's babe unless she's totally stacked
50 bio-engineer close friends or family members
51 administer an intelligence test to a public-sector employee and a
sack of hammers in the same room
52 feed red meat to a lawyer
53 bob for hand grenades
54 search for hidden messages in music played backward
55 snort NutraSweet
56 attempt to ascertain the tensile strength of cows
57 leave the lid half screwed on
58 address a sock on your hand as "Alfonse"
59 seek to rise above your station in the food chain
60 derive financial gain from road kill
61 miss the birth of one of your children to watch "The Simpsons"
62 say "taupe", "platinum", "silver", "charcoal", "brushed aluminum",
"pewter", "pearl" or "oyster shell" when you mean "grey"
63 employ cheese as a means of sexual arousal
64 solicit government grants to conduct further research into the
effects on polecats of turning them inside-out
65 raise anthrax as a house pet
66 shoot tourists just because it's tourist season
67 order fast food in a heavy Russian accent
68 fail to honour thy step-father or thy surrogate mother
69 leave voice mail after midnight
70 posses graven images of poker-playing dogs
71 wear a hat covered in fruit or dangling corks
72 choose an apartment because of its proximity to the mall
73 consume diet milkshakes in flavours of "haggis", "lemming" or "wild
strumpet"
74 pretend to be able to dance to rap
75 buy condoms bearing the Good Housekeeping seal of approval
76 stalk the wily Groundhog with a Stinger missile (please, especially not me! *g*)
77 eat Fritos in a tanning bubble
78 wear souvenir Disney World boxer shorts
79 try to get even with a video lottery terminal
80 colourize
81 enter any dungeon guarded by a dragon
82 paint neon-green heartbeat stripes on a Humvee
83 experiment with sword-swallowing as a cure for persistent hiccups
84 own a recreational bug zapper
85 give hand-crafted radioisotopes as a house-warming present
86 consider yourself to be on a first-name basis with a chain saw
87 walk barefoot in packing peanuts
88 call 911 to report an unexpected surge in the earthworm population
89 snore in 6/8 time
90 fix the dishwasher with an eight-pound hammer and a glue gun
91 buy a used car from anyone named "Stig"
92 attempt to predict the outcome of a cockroach race by calculations
based on the circumference of the great pyramid of Cheops
93 pray to Zeus for things your usual god would laugh at
94 permit fuzzy purple mutants to spawn in your fridge
95 wear nipple rings that clash with your nose pin
96 camp out in line overnight for the opening of a new Wal-Mart
97 try to sneak a six-letter carnal reference past the personalized
license plate people
98 wear any sort of baseball cap that uses batteries
99 measure your Visa balance on the Richter scale
100 put ice-nine in the Slushy machine
101 drink a diet Pepsi and eat a Three Musketeers bar on the assumption
that they'll cancel each other out
(1) Overheard at a party. The "X word" is "Christian", the letter X
being used to mean "Christ" in some cases, as it's a cross of sorts.
Hence the more common expression "xmas", for "Christmas".
(2) For example, QUOD QUIS HABET, DOMINAE CONFERAT OMNE SUAE (Whatever
each man has, let him give it to the mistress of his heart-Ovid) This
could be construed as a passionate plea for new wheels, in the right
circumstances. Don't try this at home.
