I'm writing this page about my coming out because we all can use encouragement. It helps to know that somebody else has gone through similar experiences. So, here it is, the coming out story of Charles N. Howard, III. I hope it fulfills its purpose and helps you with your own journey.

Coming out is a journey, one that doesn't really ever end. I don't say that to discourage you. Look on it as a never ending adventure. I'm thirty four years old as I write this. I've been out since I was 20. At the time I came out then, I came out to everybody I knew, so I thought I was done. Well, that wasn't to be true as you will see.

Let me take you on a journey back in time, many moons ago. As I look back today, with years of experience, I guess I really knew I was gay as far back as about six years old. Of course, I didn't have a name, such as "gay" or "queer" or anything like that to put on it. All I knew is that I was interested in boys. For example, I never wanted to kiss a girl, but I always wanted to kiss another boy. Don't get me wrong. Girls weren't "icky" like they were to some six year old boys. In fact, I had no problem at all hanging out with them. But, boys were where my romantic and physical attractions were.

As a child, I stayed at a nursery school before and after school because both of my parents worked and went to school all day. As children will do, we would play doctor, you know, where you undress the patient and examine him. Well, this was my first clue. I didn't want to undress the girls. I wanted to undress the boys.

I remember this set of twins that started coming to the nursery when I was about 7. They were a year younger than me. Well, to me, they were gorgeous. They were blond haired and blue eyed, just two six year hold hunks. God, I couldn't take my mind off of them whenever they were around. Whenever we did play doctor, I always wanted them for my patients or my doctors. I even got to kiss them when I was about 8. It was a three way kiss. Don't ask me how we knew to do that because I don't know. All we did was emulate what we had seen adults do, but with three of us instead of two. It felt like the most natural thing in the world and none of us thought there was anything wrong with it at all. Soon after that kiss, the caretakers at the nursery discovered some of the games the kids were playing in the bushes and they started patrolling it more. So, we didn't get anymore chances to kiss.

Then, it wasn't long before I started hearing the word "queer." It wasn't being used about me, but I heard kids calling other guys queer. So, I asked around and found out what they meant. When I was told, I asked what was wrong with being queer. I was smart enough not to admit that I was queer too. Of course, I got the same explanation you get from the religious fundamentalists today. I.e., it's wrong because it is unnatural and because boys should only like girls. Of course, there was nothing wrong with two girls kissing.

So, at around nine years old, I went into the closet. My days of kissing other boys were over because I didn't want to be weird and I didn't want to get beat up. I was in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, part of the buckle of the Bible Belt, and boys there definitely believed in the saying "bash a queer for Christ." As a friend of mine once put it, "we were sitting on the tip of the penis o' Jesus." (Should "penis" be capitalized there?)

I started going out with girls and having a girlfriend. But, my heart was never in it. The girls even saw that. One girl once asked me why I didn't try to play with her breasts. I just said it wasn't polite to do that until we were married. I was able to use the "marriage excuse" a lot. It just made me appear like a gentleman.

At the age of 11, I moved with my family to Irving, Texas, where I met the second best friend I ever had. My first best friend was a boy named Robert who lived down the street from me in OKC. We never messed around per se. We would spend the night at each other's house now and then and would take our baths together and sleep in the same bed. But, other than a little horsing around, nothing really ever happened. Oh well, missed opportunities...

Anyway, in Texas, I met Greg. He's the same age as me and we are still best friends to this day, 24 years later. At this point, as far as coming out goes, he doesn't really play a part. He will later, as you will read, but I mention him now so that you will know who he is when I talk more about him. Greg and I were just friends at this time. We hung out with each other all the time, but we never messed around. We never even talked about it. By this time, I was deeply closeted and trying to make my feelings go away.

A year later, the family moved back to Oklahoma, to Pauls Valley, a small town of about 5000 people. As you may know, small towns in the south are very conservative. Pauls Valley was no exception. Because I was the new kid in town, I was automatically labeled a fag. Needless to say, my closet door was shut pretty tightly. I did make one friend my first year there, Darren.

Darren was the first boy that I ever had sex with. I'm not going to give any details, but let's say that at that point, there was no doubt in my mind that I was "queer as a three dollar bill." Unfortunately, I knew that I couldn't do anything about it. Darren and I messed around a number of times that year. Then, we started high school and kind of went separate ways. Yes, even in a town where my high school class was 101, at its peak, you can move to new circles. I was in band and Spanish and Thespians and Darren was involved in other clubs.

During high school, I found religion. I looked on it as a way to get rid of this terrible affliction of being queer. I was in deep. My parents started worrying about me because all I did was talk about God and Jesus and I went to church twice a week plus attending all the youth group activities. The youth group was Methodist and it was the Methodist church that I joined. But, unfortunately, I also got involved in a fundamentalist, non-denominational church. That was a mistake! Fortunately, that lasted only about a year. They were putting down too many people and I couldn't ever find out in the Bible why those people were bad. So, I started questioning other teachings as well, like the ones on homosexuality.

As I examined the bible, I found that the only admonitions against homosexual acts were in the old testament, along with the rules against eating pork. So, I questioned why if it wasn't a sin to eat pork, then why was it a sin to love another man. Of course, I was smart enough to only ask that question of myself. In addition, at my Methodist church, we had an intern minister who was a bit unconventional for any minister I had ever known. First of all, she was a woman. Second of all, she like to tell the story behind the story. I wish I could remember this one sermon she gave, but I cannot. All I can tell you is that she put forth the story of the "Tower of Babel" as a comedy. She was quite convincing too. She had the entire congregation "rolling in the aisles." Well, that was my first introduction to the fact that many people who talk about the Bible really don't know what it is about at all. Here was a seminary student, who studied the Bible and its history extensively, teaching us that the Bible actually contained funny stories. I had always been taught that it was completely serious and literal. Hmmm.....

I probably could have talked to her about being gay. I guess I'll never know.

The other thing that happened during this time was that I lost a friend when I joined the Methodist church. He was Baptist and according to him, all Methodists were going straight to Hell when they died. Now, I could sort of understand why I was bad for being gay, but I could never figure out what being Methodist had to do with anything. Before I could be baptised and join the church, my minister taught a course on the different religions. During that course, he never put down another religion. He just said that they were all different ways of worshiping God. So, when my Baptist friend told me I was going to hell, I got another notion that religion wasn't all it was built up to be.

At this point, I should probably explain that I have learned there is a difference between religion and spirituality. I am still a very spiritual Christian, but I pretty much avoid organized religion. I also don't mean for any of what I write to sound like I have a vendetta against all religious folks. I don't. But, as Jesus taught us, I have learned to be wary of the preacher on the corner, of those who have to constantly spout their religious views at the top of their lungs to all around. From what I know, Jesus was a pretty cool dude and he would not be pleased with many of his so-called "disciples" of today.

Well, anyway, I tell you that because, if you are a Christian, then you need to know that there are plenty of people, biblical scholars, preachers, priests, and rabbis that don't agree with the teachings that homosexuality is immoral. There are even books on the subject of homosexuality and Christianity and I've listed some on my "Resources" page. There's a link to it at the end of this story.

So, let's continue with the story. Before we went off on the religious trail, I was in high school. Well, I graduated from high school and went to college at the University of Oklahoma (OU) in Norman. That was 1982. During the summer of 1982, between graduation from high school and starting college in the fall, I thought very seriously about coming out when I got to OU. I would seek out other gay people and find the love of my life. I'm afraid to say that I chickened out. I had overcome most of my feelings about it being wrong to be gay, but I was still quite afraid of abuse from others if they found out. However, it was also that summer that I discovered something about my best friend Greg.

We met up (as we had done every summer since I had moved back to Oklahoma) that summer and stayed a week at a cabin that my family has. Well, to make a long story short, we got to talking about attractions and both admitted that we were attracted to men. We also did more than talk, but this isn't that kind of story. I'll admit that I could have fallen in love with Greg. But, he was very religious and he was still having problems with being gay. Once again, I'll have to put that off 'til later. We got together a couple of times that summer and the next and each time, we explored our sexuality. As I said, Greg, wasn't ready to say he was gay. I was afraid if I told him that I was gay, he would abandon me. I never really did understand why it was okay for us to make love as long as we still claimed to like girls. Well, and I don't mean this as any offense to Greg, but logic has a way of going out the door when religion comes in. I'm sure you've noticed that at times.

Well, as I said, I chickened out when I got to OU and didn't come right away. That was the fall of 1982 and I finally came out, to others, in 1984. During the summer of 1984, I was finally wanting to do it. I was tired of seeing all my friends with their boyfriends and girlfriends and I wanted a boyfriend. (All my friends were straight at this time, or at least claimed to be.) So, I was building my courage. I was also attending school during the summer semester. One day, I was reading the school newspaper and what should appear to my eyes but a name I knew. An aquaintance of mine from high school, Brent, had written a letter to the editor. (Brent was a senior in high school when I was a freshman. So, we never really became friends, just aquaintances since we both played trombone and were both involved in the Thespians.) Anyway, what was so striking was that he signed the letter as president of the gay student group, the Gay/Lesbian Association (GLA).

All I could do was say "WOW!" I couldn't believe that somebody from Pauls Valley was gay, much less would admit it in such a public way. That was the final push. I decided right then and there that my closet days were over. So, I looked up the day and time for the weekly meetings of the GLA, Thursday evenings at 7:00. The next Thursday, I went to go to my first meeting and to finally meet other people who called themselves gay, lesbian, bi, etc. I was excited. I had made sure all my class work was done and that there was nothing to keep me from the meeting. I went to the meeting room. It was empty. Well, I was a little early (about 15 or 20 minutes), so I just waited. Seven o'clock came and went and nobody showed up. So, I left. The next couple of weeks, I couldn't go. But, the next time I went, the same thing happened, i.e., nobody showed up. I was heartbroken. Here I was ready, willing, and able to meet other gay people and nobody was there. However, I just figured that they must not be meeting during the summer and that the school paper had forgotten to take that meeting out of the schedule for the summer. So, I just resolved that I would be at the first fall meeting.

Sure enough, I made it to the very first meeting of the fall and there were a lot of people there. I guess I should tell you that "a lot" to me was actually about 20 to 30. But, I had never even met one other person who actually admitted to being gay. Brent was there too and was just as surprised to see me as I was to see him.

At this point, let me tell you one of the reasons that coming out can be such a wonderful journey. You never know who is going to come out as well. I've lost count of the number of people I never even thought were gay who've come out to me since I've come out. Brent was just the first. This leads us to a funny story.

Remember Darren that I told you about earlier? Well, one night while we were talking, we asked each other if there was anybody else in the school that we were interested in. Boy was there for me. I wanted Lance. To me, he was just the cat's meow. About the same height and weight as me (i.e., a scarecrow) with brown hair and puppy dog brown eyes. As this was during puberty, let me suffice it to say that I became aroused every time I got near Lance. And, if we got to talk to each other, I just became tongue tied. I made the mistake of telling Darren that I was quite attracted to Lance. I didn't go into the detail above, I just told him that Lance was the one person that I really would like to mess around with. I say it was a mistake to tell Darren because he immediately went and told Lance. Darren and I talked on a weekend and the next Tuesday, Lance stopped me in the hall to tell me that Darren had told him about it. As it turns out, the real mistake I made was when I denied it to Lance and told him that Darren must have misinterpreted something I had said. Lance let it drop at that, for which, at the time, I was thankful. About 2 years ago, I ran into Lance in Oak Lawn, the gay neighborhood of Dallas. He told me all about his lover and the home they shared in south Dallas. I guess I should have known back then that Lance was at least okay with me being gay because he was so cool about the whole thing. But, I was naïve and young at the time and thought I was protecting myself. Let that be a lesson to you; it isn't always a good thing to deny being gay. Oh well, it is no use to cry over spilled milk.

Anyway, where was I... oh yes, my first GLA meeting. I have to say that I had no idea of the journey I had started by going to that one meeting. The first order of business was to elect new officers for the semester. Brent convinced me to run for vice president. So, I did and I won! To put that in perspective, at that point, I had taken a load of TNT to my closet door and blasted it into splinters. You see, there were, for all practical purposes, only two gay groups in the state of Oklahoma, the GLA at OU and another organization called Oklahomans for Human Rights (OHR). So, if you were an officer of one of those organizations, you were effectively a spokesperson for the entire gay and lesbian community of Oklahoma.

So, with that, I had made it necessary to tell my parents. After all, I couldn't have them finding it out from somebody else or when they saw me on the 10 o'clock news speaking on gay rights. So, that very weekend, I went home and told them. I don't mind telling you that I had no idea what to expect from them. Honestly, I didn't think it would be that big of a deal. I was certain that they had a suspicion anyway, especially with everybody in town calling me a fag, even though they had nothing at all to go on. Well, my parents took it well. They did have a request though and that was that I keep it under wraps (grin). So, I told them why it was that I had come to tell them to start with. My dad wasn't pleased, but he handled it.

My dad and I had never been very close while I was growing up. When I was in elementary school, he was in medical school, so he was away from home a lot. Then, after he set up his practice, I was struggling with my sexuality and didn't think I could talk to him, especially since we weren't very close to start with. In fact, we were almost strangers who just lived in the same house in some ways. Since he may be reading this, let me tell both you and him that I loved him dearly. I don't say any of this to put him down at all. These are just facts as they occurred and as I remember them, nothing more. Over the next few years, he and I had our differences. He thought I had gone over the deep end at times and I felt he was against me at times. But, with age, hopefully, one matures. We both did and now, he is my other best friend. I am very lucky to not only have two best friends, Greg and my dad, but doubly lucky that one of them is my dad.

As my dad will tell you, don't look for him at any of the pride parades or any protests. But, he is completely accepting of me and my lover, Leo. Leo and I spend a lot of time with my dad and his girlfriend. The four of us went to Hawaii together two years ago. We're planning another trip for January of 2000. The three of us guys go skiing together every spring. We all spend a lot of time together and always have a lot of fun. When my dad and his girlfriend come down to Dallas, they go to gay parties with us and they always enjoy going out for a drink at the gay bars. My friends all love the two of them as well. So, let that be another lesson to you. Don't be too afraid of telling your parents, even if you do think they won't handle it well.

First of all, they brought you into this world and reared you. So, they love you, pretty much unconditionally. Even if they have a problem with you being gay, it is because of their fear of what you will face or fear for your soul or both. Some of that is from ignorance, but with only a very few exceptions, their feelings are out of love and their fears can be erased with a whole lot of understanding and a little education from you. We've all heard the horror stories of somebody being disowned by his or her parents. Well, in my experience, I have only known one person ever to whom this happened. It was sad. But, I'll tell you what is sadder. It is all those gay men and lesbians who disown their parents. Yep, you read that right. All those gay men and lesbians who become distant from their parents because they aren't out. Or, they came out to the parents and didn't give the parents the time to adjust. Remember, you will have had most, if not all, of your life to decide when and how to come out . For them, it will be spur of the moment and they will need time to adjust as well, even, maybe, a few years. Just don't give up. What few "trials and tribulations" my parents and I went through are also what made my dad and I closer. We learned much about each other's point of view and learned a lot of respect for each other.

That result, my friend, is the point to me writing all of this. Each of us hears or reads all the horror stories. Somebody needs to tell the good stories. Somebody also needs to point out that family problems can caused as much or even more by the gay child as by the parents. This isn't always true, but I have seen some of my friends give up too easily and I just feel sad for them that they won't have the relationship with their parents that I have with mine.

Staying in the closet isn't an answer to the possible parent problems either. When you stay in the closet, you end up shutting your parents out from a lot of your life. They'll not meet your friends and you won't be able to go to them with relationship problems. They'll sense your distance too. They'll start to worry because you are appearing secretive and distant. In their minds, maybe you've got a drug problem or your job isn't going well. Plus, you'll be making excuses for why you cannot go home this Christmas, since you want to spend it with your lover and cannot tell them. But, deep inside, you want to spend it with your entire family. Don't do that to yourself or your parents. Give your blood family a chance. Some people have found it easier to talk to a grand parent they were close to first or to an aunt or uncle or a sister or brother. You get the idea. The point is, let your family know. From my experience and my friends, it always works out better that way, maybe not right away, but in the long run.

Back to my comming out... As I told you a while ago, my friend Greg also played a part in this story. You see, right after I came out to my parents, I called Greg up at his school and told him. Now, remember that he was quite religious. His response was that he would pray for me and that was pretty much the end of the conversation. After that, we had a number of such conversations, all very short, and ending with him telling me that he would pray for me.

This was my best friend and it appeared that I was losing him. Well, I wasn't going to have any of that. So, I called him up and arranged to meet him in Tulsa after my last final. So, my after my last final, I got in my car and drove up to meet him, on the campus of Oral Roberts University. (I told you he was religious (grin).) We went for coffee at Denny's and I started the conversation with "I'm gay and I know you are too. So, when are you going to stop avoiding me and be my friend again?" Well... Remember the TNT I had taken to my own closet door? It seems that I apparently had plenty left, because that opening statement blew his closet door to splinters as well!

Greg admitted that he had been praying for both us. He also admitted that he was dating a number of other men at the time but hadn't wanted to admit it. So, now, he and I are both out, both have nice homes with lovers, and are still the best of friends!

It seems that we've come to the end of this story. Except, I told you at the beginning that it is a continuing journey. It is, even for me. Maybe you thought my journey began and ended with that one giant step back there in college in 1984. Well, it didn't. In addition, a huge step like that, all at once, isn't for everybody.

After I graduated from college, I went to work in my profession in computer science. Well, I got to come out again when I got there. And, just about every day, there is some homophobe that needs to know that somebody he knows is gay or lesbian. So, I'm constantly coming out to them. Even when you think you are completely out, there will always be somebody new who comes into your life and you'll still hesitate about whether to tell them or not. At least, that's the way it works for me and I've been on television in Oklahoma and Dallas. On top of that, I tend to be one of the "educators" at work, always countering the newest homophobe on our internal news groups. So, even with all that openness that I already exhibit, even I am still timid at times about telling some people. I guess that's just the nature of the game.

The main thing is that you take that first step. Yes, it is scary. Only a very few people will tell you otherwise and remember that that is only their experience. Nobody can tell you how or when to do it. Only you will know what is right and when. And, your experience won't be the same as mine or anybody else's story you know. It may be similar, but, just as we are all different, so are our coming out experiences. I can tell you this, I only know of a handful of people who regret it and, while I hate to say this, most of their problem is their own and they need counseling. That brings up another good point. Go see a counselor if you want. That first step is a big one, no matter how small you might think it is or somebody tells you it was. If you want some help or advice, there is nothing wrong with seeing a counselor.

Well, I've taken a first step in publishing this for you to read. Unfortunately, I haven't set up many links yet. I am in the process of setting up links on my "Resources" page. There's a link to it at the bottom of this story. In addition, on my home page and at the bottom of this page, there will soon be a link for a "Coming Out" web ring. For now, I have three web rings listed on my home page. So, click one of the "next" buttons and see what the next person has to say. Or click my resources link and see what I've put there. It will be updated constantly, so check back and see what's new.

I hope that something I have written here has been useful for you. I also applaud you if you have made it to the end. I'm from the south, Oklahoma originally, and we can tell long stories. Believe it or not, this isn't the entire story either. I'll be adding other pages that tell different parts of the story. If you haven't done so, check out my general autobiography. It gives an overview and some of it is a repeat of this. But, you might find it interesting. Finally, below here, you will find a link to my guestbook and a link to send me email. If you liked this page or have suggestions for it or hated it, let me know by signing my guest book. And, if you want to ask me questions or get advice or just learn more about me, send me an email and I'll write you back.

Until then, yours in gay pride,

C h a r l e s

Go to my Resources Page

© 1999-2001chaznh@yahoo.com

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