You've heard those words or context time and time again. What, you ask, does it really mean? What it seems to be is an overused and overstated cliche. What if I do not know who I am? Where do I start? What are the questions? Where does it all finally lead? What if I don't like where it leads - what I find? It seems this simple question - phrase - invites more trepidation, doubt, and terror into one's heart and soul than worth pursuing.
Doubt, trepidation, and fear is exactly why most people do not, in fact, know their own identity and security. Some of the questions can really, really hurt. The process is on-going - it never stops until the day you die. There are often no concise answers and some of the answers can be painful.
So why pursue security in the first place? Well, it's ironic and contradictory, but security, put simply, feels good. It injects into your life a calming presence - a peace in being aware that up to that point in your life you have been doing the best you can; are doing the best you can; and will be continuing to do your personal best.
There is a confidence that comes along with security that allows you to be aware of what you are capable of, be aware of how you conduct yourself, and what knowledge - wisdom - you have acquired thus far. Due to this, your personal respect for yourself grows and, yes, you will like yourself.
This confidence translates itself from within oneself outward to those around you like waves coming off you. You definitely will have a more confident stride in your step, your head will be held higher, and the peace on your face will glow around a contented smile.
Security will also give you that thirst to grow, learn, and change with life. You will look forward to taking on more in life (challenging more) and stretching beyond your present resources. The only disappointment will be in discovering we all do not live long enough to experience everything we desire.
What security abates - or destroys - are trivial concerns caused by jealousy, ego, conceit, envy, anger, and regret. One of the things I have seen too much of is insecurity within a social context. This is where one insecure party verbally tries to put down others (presumably for fun). With self- security, this behavior is not possible. In personal circumstances I find myself not feeling belittled nor angry if anyone tries this on me, but rather I feel sympathy for those who wear their insecurity so blatantly on their sleeves.
So it does bring up the question of, what happens if you choose NOT to know yourself better. That is simple: you will stop learning, you will stop growing, you will stop changing, and you will ultimately stagnate. In choosing not to know yourself, you will have made a personal assertive choice.
I have seen this happen. It begins with a statement in your head: "I'm grown up now, therefore I can stop learning." Something to that affect. All the questions of life stops. All the reasons why something happens is not examined (c'est la vie"). That person is content to stay right where they are - no further interests, no self examination. Work. Sleep. Bills. Sleep. Go to work. TV. Work. Sleep. The bar. Do the lawn. Sleep.... and so on to retirement. There is nothing to look forward to. Nothing to point to as an achievement. Nothing to strive for. In short, life becomes dull, repetitive, and tiring.
What this "safe" way of living acquires, besides boredom, is the lack of knowledge and wisdom to mentally, emotionally, and physically (perhaps even spiritually) handle new experiences never dealt with or encountered before. (I have known people in their 40's who have the emotional and mental level of someone 20. A few of them have turned into angry, bored and bitter people. I do not place those with a young approach to life in this category - that is something else entirely. Being young and fresh inside while having the maturity of one's age is a whole different matter.)
The black and white approach to life cannot comprehend the complexities of more mature life experiences - the coping mechanisms have not been developed. So I'll reiterate, it eventually leads to anger, sadness, denial, and sometimes even severe depression.
You are correct of course that there are some of us that react in a lesser degree than I have stated here. Yet I believe we could agree that given their circumstances, they are more resigned to their life rather than satisfied with it. If you listen carefully, you will note these key words creeping into their conversations: "can't", "won't", "never". These words come up often in their dialogue, as well as a few other select negative assertions. They have all ready made a decision in their lives - a clear concise choice. They are adamant about it. There is a big difference between what security is and what security has been resigned to.
In the opposite corner of things, I have known several young people handling themselves, not like teenagers, but with the maturity of someone much older. Granted they have not yet attained a lot of experience and wisdom they will require yet, but they exude the exuberance and desire to grow. It is only sad that some do not reach their full potential because we live in a world of boundaries and limitations, where caution and fear play a heavy role.
I have also known the mature retiree who suddenly realizes they are free to go back to college or to pursue that lifelong interest they have always wanted. They have realized that "old" has not happened to their desire to learn and grow.
So how does none go about knowing oneself better? I am going to go somewhat in chronological order in explaining my own point of view of knowing oneself. BUT. (Big "BUT" here.) It all really is done all at the same time. Knowing oneself can be in whatever order you choose it do be, and wherever you choose as a starting point. It's your life and your growth. Therefore, it is also your choice. No one has the right way or the wrong way for you, no matter what those tons of self help books say, or whatever motivational guru you have listened to. There is only your way. You will learn, grow, and change in the best way suited to you.
Security in life acquires as fast as you choose it to occur. It is up to set the pace, just by asking, "am I secure with myself?"; following it up with any sort of answer; and then actually pursuing those answers to their ultimate end.
The fact of self-security is truth - living with yourself as a result of reflection. It mean honestly seeking out truth within yourself. At the end, no one but you is inside your head - your thoughts, feelings, your past, your dreams, the desires, needs, goals, and so on. No has been with you in your private moments throughout your life - not even your closest companion. Not your parents, your siblings, best friends, or spouse. No one has reacted to events in your life the way you have, even if they shared them with you - we all react and act upon events and stimulation in different ways, be it thoughts, emotions, or action. The closest someone can come to being with you in those moments of privacy we all have is holding your hand. But ultimately, you are truly alone with yourself inside. (Before that gets too many depressed, I might add, that is why we have spouses, companions, and friends to share with.)
Your private life and self is your security. You cannot run away from it, excuse yourself from it, deceive yourself by it, or lie to yourself. You can never even avoid yourself in the end. For some reason this scares a lot of people when it should not. It is the greatest gift we have. That spark of being different and unique is something that makes us different and special from one another. It is a place to go to be your best friend. At the end, in the middle of an empty room or at the end of life, you will be alone with yourself and who you are factually are. What will be your reaction to yourself be?
I suppose this does lead to the eventual fact of, "what if I do not like myself." Fair enough question. The answer is, "change". As people, we are lucky enough to have a mind to change. If you do not like what you see, then begin with what you do not like and examine it and turn it around. Truthfully, there are a lot of us out there who do not like ourselves and have no idea that we can make a personal choice to change. (And yes, I am totally aware that some do not want to. That is a choice as well.)
So much of our lives have been dictated to us through others: family, school, church, friends, the media. Family and friends have expectations of us or choose to perceive us in this way or that. The media is full of ads as to how we should look and wear; talk shows scream out with psychoanalysts telling us what is right or wrong about ourselves; or society dictating that we have to live in a such and such place to be "politically correct" socially. Religions, while a great move spiritually and emotionally, have become conglomerates whose inside fighting has split the ideal and theology of the church into factions - and each one has a different theory as to how you should conduct yourself. Even friends expect a lot from you in terms of staying the way you are and acting in such and such a way - are you satisfied with your friends as they stand? School has taught us a strict code of what to do and how to do it - ever try to be your own person in English or art class?
Beyond the common sense stuff like morals, etiquette, and ethics of everyday living there does lay a stretch of your life that must be foraged on your own. How many people can you think of whom are trying to be like their friends, their parents, their boss, or even that certain celebrity? How many people are trying to adopt a lifestyle that is not their own - and evidently so in some cases? Who among us have become doctors, lawyers, or taken over a family-based business because it was expected of us. This is okay for those who have personally and eagerly chosen to do so, but what about others? Has there been acceptance or resignation to the fact?
In establishing your own personal choices in life, yes, it would not be easy. Damn hard in fact. It means discovering a whole new life - new career, new lifestyle, new ways of thinking, new friends. It also means probably being dropped out of old friendship circles and perhaps out of family favor.
Is it worth it? Let's put it this way, if you are not happy and secure with your whole life as it stands, then chances are it is worth it. Point is, you will be comfortable in your new life as you felt with your old life - only this time it will be truthfully secure. That is, provided you do not slip into old habits with self-deception again. Personally, I would rather have those around me who accept me for who I am. I have been lucky in finding exactly those kind of friends. I have surrounded myself those with whom I have chosen to be a part of my life. I would rather live a life of personal choice than live someone else's expectations, goals, lifestyle, dreams, and standards.
Our security is based on every choice we make in life.
Fearing the unknown is natural. Any change is bound to be met with doubt and hesitancy Like that noise under your bed late at night, your mind rolls and rolls around until you have inflated your fears into the absurd. Until you look under the bed and discover the cat has given birth to kittens, your fears will soar out of control.
Have you ever picked up a textbook and wondered how you would get through it only to go to class and have the instructor explain about 50 pages of it in ten minutes?
When you were young, going to a new class or a new club was nerve-wracking until you got to know others.
Self-security is knowing you can go into a given situation or make a certain choice with a sense of challenge rather than one of fear or trepidation. You still can get butterflies in your stomach, yes, but they will be good ones.
Growth, learning, and change is about being secure with yourself and knowing that you can expect a lot more out of yourself in the future. It is a sense of peace knowing that you have taken control of your life and are making the best decisions where you are concerned.
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