More Things I've Learned

More Things I've learned...

I'm GAY! Well, sort of...
One thing that seems to be constant in my life is an unending questioning of my sexual orientation. Not that it consumes my every spare thought, but I would have to say that at least once a week I still seriously think about it. For reference I first accepted that I had some inclinations gay about five years ago. My only explanation for this is that I haven't been entirely comfortable thinking of myself as bisexual. Whether it was because on some unconscious level I don't believe I'm bi, or because I think it would be too difficult (in terms of being accepted by others and fitting in) to identify myself as being bi, I was not entirely sure. But slowly, over the past four months or so I've come to believe that maybe being bisexual isn't the most appropriate way to identify myself.

Labels
So, what is it that has convinced me to choose one label over another. I've heard many people say that really, that's all it is, a label, so don't worry about it. You are who you are, it doesn't matter what you call yourself. In fact, you don't need to call yourself anything, it's just that society likes to impose artificial categories on people. Well, I partially agree with that view, you shouldn't be forced to identify yourself by a label, but unfortunately this seems to be the way that society works. I tried just to accept my feelings, gay and straight, and not worry about what to call them, just that they were part of who I am, but it didn't work for me. This view does seem to work for some people, but not me. I'm haven't quite got it figured out why, but I think it has something to do with the difference between acknowledging my feelings and truly owning my feelings and being okay with them as part of who I am. Like the difference between saying "something happened to me" and "this is who I am." In the end, I can't say I like labels, but they seem necessary for me.

Am I Bi or Gay?
Ultimately, the question that must be answered for me, and other's I suspect, is what is the gender of the person who I will be happy spending the rest of my life with? In the long term, who do you think will make you happiest? And the answer I got back from myself was that I think I'd rather be with a guy. If I said the gender wasn't important, and I could be equally happy with either, then I would consider myself bi. The true is, I do think I would also be happy in a relationship with a women, but I don't think I would be as happy. So, at some level I do still consider myself bi. I find a few women attractive and I do feel relatively certain I could be happy in a relationship with the right women. However, and this is what has convinced me the label gay is slightly more appropriate, I notice a lot more attractive men and I feel relatively certain I would be even happier in a relationship with a man than a women. Another question I asked myself is who do I think I'll end up being with, and the answer again was with another guy and not a women. It goes back to what I said a year ago in my first part, that sexual orientation to me is a continuum and I guess I've come to realize more precisely in the past year where I fall on that continuum. If someone asked me if I was bi, I would say there is some truth in that, but ultimately, I feel gay is more correct.

Accepting Myself
This has certainly not been easy or quick and it continues to this day. Some people seem to be able to just realize they're gay or bi and be okay with it and completely open about it in a relatively short period of time. For others, like myself, it is a long process taking several years. I have some ideas about why accepting who I am has taken me so long and what things help that progress. First, I'm the type of person that worries a lot about what other's think of me. I need other people's acceptance. It's something I'm trying to change, but the result is that some part of me fears that being different in this often unacceptable way jeopardizes my acceptance from others. Part of me tries to fit in a be "normal" however useless, child-like and unhealthy an attitude I know that to be. Second, I'm also a conservative person by nature, and being gay often appears to conflict with this trait, although in reality I don't think it does. As for how to help one's acceptance, I have found meeting other gay and bi people to be extremely helpful. Being able to interact with people completely accept that you're bi or gay and not have to worry about their reaction to this fact (and who are usually very happy you're gay also) is a very comforting experience. Also, the knowledge that there are other people like yourself who live normal, happy lives is helpful. And the final step I think, although I'm still working on this one, is being able to tell your friends and parents proudly this other aspect of who you are. This last step to me is related to not being ashamed of who I am, for why else in a equal relationship (i.e. you're not dependent on them) would we hide something about ourselves from those we love unless we're ashamed of it?

If you've read this far, you may be curious to know more about who I am from this brief biography.

So what do you think about what I wrote? I've been getting lots of email from people telling me that they've felt very similar. How about sharing what you think by adding to my guestbook so that everyone will know they're not alone. Sign Guestbook View Guestbook

If you want to talk about what I've written you can also email me at bi_guy@geocities.com although I prefer if you share your thoughts in my guestbook for others to read (you don't have to leave your name or email if you don't want.).

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