26Oct1995
It's really something. I don't even feel like a guy much anymore when I am dressed. I feel like C----- would feel, move like she would and talk like her. It's all so natural and just happens. I sometimes wonder WHY. I pray often and ask Father to change me into a 13 year girl.

I wonder what will happen to me after I die? Will I get my chance then or will the pain go on thru eternity? For over 50 years I have asked why I am this way and to change me. And all their is, is silence. 50 years, and that's a long time to listen for an answer and hear nothing. I wonder how many tears I have shed in those 50 years? As I sit here now my eyes are wet and the tears roll down my cheeks. 50 years and no one to talk to.

Can you imagine a preteen boy telling one of his friends that he wants to dress as a girl and most of all wants to be one? Think that's bad, now picture a teenage boy saying that to his friends. Sure is hard being alone. At one time I could talk to B ---- a little about how I felt and I thought she understood, but I'm afraid that she was just humoring me. I thought that a husband and wife could talk about their hopes and fears and they were close enough that they would understand, but that's not the case and now I’m back to being alone. Sometimes she does little things for me and sometimes I still try to talk to her about C----- but I get the cold shoulder and stop. I could really use her advise and steading hand but it's not to be. Sometimes I wonder if this is not my personal Hell for being a really bad person in another life and this is my punishment. To go thru a life being this way - with no one to talk to and silence. And every now and then a ray of sunshine to keep you going. But I believe in Father and the gospel plan and that says no to reincarnation. Maybe this is not reincarnation but all in my mind.

I think this is sounding as if I were really depressed and hopeless, but that's not how I feel although some times it's true. Guess I had better get off this train of thought before I am though. Tomorrow is another day and maybe, just maybe I'll wake up a 13 year old girl.

27Oct1995
It didn't happen.