The following two companion articles were written by Jane Ellen Fairfax, Chairman of the Tri Ess Board, and wife Frances. Frances states many questions and fears in the article titled "Where is All This Going?" which wives face when they find out that their husbands are crossdressers Jane Ellen replies in the article "Where All This Is Going. " These two articles are must reading for both crossdressers and wives. The articles are reprinted from The Femme Forum September 1995, published by the Tan Chi Chapter of Tri-Ess.

"What does wearing women's clothes mean to you? Are you gay? Will you be leaving me for a gay lover?" Considering popular social stereotypes, this fear is obvious and deep-seated. The basis of marriage is its exclusive lifetime commitment. An affair of whatever kind breaches that commitment, shatters trust and brings the frightening specter of disease as well as abandonment.

"Does this mean you want to be a woman? Will you opt for sexual reassignment and life as a woman? Where will that leave our relationship? Will we retire together some day as two little old ladies?" This, too, raises the specter of abandonment, and the loss of cherished dreams of a future life together. Those dreams are of life with a husband!

"Does this mean you'll want to change your body to make it more feminine? Will you be wanting to shave your nice hairy chest and legs? Grow your fingernails longer? Let your hair grow? Have electrolysis to remove your facial hair?" Obvious physical changes present more immediate fears. They broadcast tangible evidence of his "difference," to his wife and to the world. Family, friends, co-workers, and children will begin to notice little clues. How will he answer their questions? How will she? She's the one they'll ask. Has he even thought about it?

"Will you want to take hormones.? How will you get them? From a 'friend?" From Mexico? From one of "those" doctors? How do you plan to check your blood chemistry? " Cardiovascular disease kills more men your age than anything else as it is. "And suppose you succeed and develop some breasts? How will you explain them the next time the family goes to the beach?" Fear of eventually losing you to transsexualism is eclipsed by the more immediate fear of losing you to a heart attack or stroke.

In most cases there is yet another specter of loss. A wife may be willing to forego her own dreams and live out her life with an openly transgendered husband, but what about their children? Children need their father. Fatherlessness is the leading cause of social pathology today. Will their children's future be sacrificed? Who will be there to give their daughters in marriage? Whom will their sons bring their fiancees to meet? More immediately, will their daddy be there to watch their sports events? Take them camping? Model healthy manhood?

Then there are fears of economic loss. Will he lose his job if his boss finds out? Will the family lose their home? Has he thought of contingency plans? What is his vision of the future? Does it include his wife and children? Just where is all this going?

Where All This Is Going
by Jane Ellen Fairfax

Our love and our devotion
Were deep as any ocean.
Then one day, like the tide,
you began to change
. And you became - a perfect stranger.
- - - - - "Losing You"

Losing us! Many a crossdresser's wife lives in fear that a stranger, once her life partner, will announce, set-faced, that he is abandoning their relationship. How I wish I could dismiss those fears as groundless! All too often, however, I have seen them justified by reality. Unless a transgendered person is a primary transsexual, there is no reason he cannot spare his wife the loss she fears. "Why," ask some wives, "do I have to be the one to control the crossdressing?" Good question! Crossdressers can and should do their part to define a mutually satisfactory role for crossgender expression in a life-committed relationship. To reach a solution requires that we reaffirm our marriage vows and place "our" needs before "my" wants.

It all starts with love - the love that will not see its object hurt. Most honest crossdressers can set general boundaries for crossgender expression. These boundaries will create a "safe estate" in which a couple will be free to explore and accommodate each other's needs. According to a recent study, over 82% of crossdressers are exclusively heterosexual. Early on I was able to reassure Frances that my crossdressing would not affect my sexual orientation. Like most crossdressers, I am one person - a genetic male attracted to women. The question of Jane's sexuality thus became moot! Freed from that fear of loss, Frances and I were able to define a place for Jane in the sexual aspect of our marriage.

Establishing a "safe estate," crossdressers can also assuage the fear of loss to sexual reassignment. Here, a little mental "elbow grease" is required. Sometimes the crossdresser can fantasize the various aspects of life as a woman, and ask himself whether he would be happy if his male self were destroyed. Attending a long convention and staying en femme for a week convinced me that my masculine side was valuable. When Frances asked me whether we would eventually retire as a couple of little old ladies, I honestly did not know. She did know, however, that she would not lose me to sexual reassignment, and that I was totally committed to sparing her hurt. Fortified, she was able to resolve with me specific questions of how much feminine expression I needed. Giving our relationship a "safe estate" saved us a lot of battles.

FIESTA October 1995

In dealing with specific questions, Frances and I concede each other basic rights and serve as each other's advocate. She knows Jane is a precious part of me. Because she loves me, Jane is precious also to her. When questions of expression arise, she always tries to say "Yes" to Jane. Even when she must say "No," however, she usually finds a way to reaffirm Jane's worth. "Society," she may say, "is just not ready for that." Frances, like most wives needs me as a man, so I try to see that Gil is there for her. When the subject of hormones came up, we let our love solve the dilemma. Jane wanted breasts, so Frances wanted her to have them. Yet my love for her would never put at risk our sexual relationship, or risk a premature death. Premarin creme plus molding with a bra provided Jane with small but feminine breasts and heightened sensitivity, while safeguarding France's needs for a functioning husband.

As the years have passed, we have found many beautiful things in our relationship. Because I have her active approval, I have felt less the temptation to push Jane into areas that might threaten our marriage. My establishing a "safe estate" has left Frances free to explore and accept even more. And so love begets love, and growth begets growth - for both of us.

Effecting a safe estate requires insight. But insight does not happen without honesty. The crossdresser needs to perceive where fantasy ends and reality begins. This means facing head-on some stark truths. Crossdressers are not two persons, but one. Society has not reached the point of full acceptance, so bosses, children's peers, friends and relatives may be less than enamored with crossgender expression. Sexual reassignment will usually yield a result that is less than perfect, and the Y-chromosome can never be erased. Hormones can net breasts and skin-softening, but carry the risk of life-threatening side effects and obliterate sexual function. In Genderland there are plenty of people who will tell the transgendered person what he wants to hear. Rejecting such self-delusion, the crossdresser must insist upon the truth. For his decision will mean happiness or misery for his wife, his children, and himself.