Bob's response: True, a man's decision to be brave about skirt wearing can also be perceived as a decision for his wife to be as brave. It is a rare instance where husband and wife live in the same comfort groove, so it would seem that there would axiomatically be a conflict there.

But my point that I keep trying to make on this board, Wallace and Tehanu, is that a healthy union between two people SHOULD be, from day one, built upon the principle that they like what they see in the other, are attracted because of that, and are devoted to encouraging the other person in his/her particular bliss, whether it be skirt-wearing, motocross racing, skydiving, belching or flashing the neighbors.

My premise is that the only true, loving partner is one who walks beside you in all kinds of weather, NOT one who comes into the union with unspoken, pre-conceived notions about his/her rights over the partner's preferences for him/herself. What a violation of our selves if we find that we live with someone who would control our habits or styles or whatever, according to her standards, in direct defiance of our own.

I keep reading on this board excuses for putting up with this outrage. Sorry, guys, there is no excuse but cowardice or lack of personal commitment. No wonder men phase out and "just watch television" when they come home from work! So many men are submitting to their wives' control that there's no room any more for their own personalities! What are they supposed to do, buck the international trend of women telling their husbands what they will and will not do, at the risk of their marriage being on the rocks? Hey, the risks are there. But if each of us guys doesn't quit buckling under women's pressure, the marriages we covet will be not much better than a prison term.

Please quit hiding behind excuses, Gentlemen, about why "the time isn't right" for you to be yourself. Life is short, the time IS right, and excuses don't cut it. Put your skirts on NOW, wear them wherever you goddam please, and take back your life! Tell your wives that if they don't have something kind to say, then just ZIP it. If they want a divorce, face the difficult moment and realize that a single and free life is richer for the soul than a married and controlled one. And don't forget that there are plenty of women who will gladly share your bed and your life under fair terms. ("Fair terms" means you march to your drumbeat, she marches to hers, and the two of you support the other's needs and rights to be an individual.)

A note about semantics, Guys: Courage and bravery are words for facing an obstacle that can be overcome. Foolishness is trying to change one that you cannot overcome. What's that saying, we must change what can be changed, accept what cannot, and have the wisdom to know the difference. There's nothing in there about living with excuses for being tied down. Another word: LOVE. Many people--- particularly men, these days---use that as an excuse for giving in to a controlling spouse. Know the difference between compromise that doesn't control one's life, and giving up something precious to us because we are fearful of the consequences.

Good sense means knowing the difference between right and wrong and courage is the act of plowing through all those obstacles--- including married women's torpedoes---that benefit others selfishly so that our principles are not compromised. The result is CHARACTER.

My wife Char and I are very close. She would no sooner tell me what to wear, where to go, or what to do than I would tell her. We enjoy the remarkable differences between us. I have one kilt that is so short that she is uncomfortable when I wear it in public, so she doesn't tell me not to wear it, she chooses not to be with me for her own comfort. Neither of us holds that against the other, neither of us tries to change the other, we just love each other and RESPECT the differences. The healthy give-and-take in our relationship is shown by my deciding to wear the short kilt on occasions when my wife would not normally accompany me. It's easy for me to do that because my wife will gladly accompany me in the other kilts and skirts. She used to be uncomfortable with me in any kilt or skirt, but when it was clear that I would wear them anyway and that it was my personal privilege to do so, there were no threats or withholding of love from either of us. Shouldn't we expect that in a healthy marriage?