My crossdressing was only episodic until after I was thirty but I didn't really get into exploring it and myself until after age 45. If I thought that I was exploring it back then, I don't know what I would call the last few years. I have grown more and learned more than I had in my whole previous life.

I will share some of my experiences with you if you care to read them.

When I first learned about support groups and then joined one, I heard a lot about passing as a female. As I would look around the meeting room I saw boisterous males reacting with each other - they just happened to be wearing dresses. Most of them didn't sit, stand or walk like a female and didn't seem to care. They didn't seem to make any particular effort to get along, they seemed to want to control. The only people who appeared to be serious about being feminine were the transsexuals, and even they frequently displayed male actions.

I then went to a Texas T Party. I was naive. Most of the attendees seemed to be more interested in hitting all of the night spots rather than mingling. With attendance figures above 400, probably no more than 60 people were at a seminar during any one hour. I know that people go to the T to get out of their town and do there own thing, but I could go shopping at home. But as I said, I was naive. I didn't go out of my way to mingle; I just expected it to happen.

The transgendered community is not responsible for me or for what I wish for or hope for. I am responsible for myself - but I was adrift. I didn't know what others expected of me or what I expected of myself.

As time went by, the emphasis on "passing" faded somewhat and was replaced by the concept of "being comfortable with yourself". I believe that this is more realistic since only a very few of us look like females. This also put the responsibility for feeling good about ourselves back where it belongs - with ourselves. Rather that blame others for spotting us and "making us feel bad", we can try to come to terms with who and what we are and take responsibility for our own feelings.

I am now working on the idea of being who I am. It is not easy but it is very rewarding. I have gone out in public many times this year and have shared some of the situations with you in the Rose. I prepare as best I can when I am planning to go out but I now know that some people will just glance at me and immediately know that I am a male in female clothing. I have to learn to accept what I am and go on from there.

I have gone out on a couple of occasions this year with other people, both gg's and dressed crossdressers, who knew who and what I am and accepted me in that context. That was much more rewarding than going to a mall and grading myself on other peoples reactions. Hopefully, I will learn and grow.

I have always had, and continue to have trouble with crossdressers who are either confrontational or avoid the confines of "good taste" and then complain about lack of acceptance. I understand that they are "doing their thing" but very often that thing makes it harder for me. The list of "against good taste" items always start with appropriate clothing selection. This is usually followed closely by extreme makeup and ostentatious hair.

The real biggie that no GG understands and few crossdressers understand is using the Ladies room and then standing up to urinate. If there is anything that I would get upset about if I were a GG, this is it! This act is a blatant example of flaunting yourself at the expense of those most likely to go along with us. If they are not offended, they should be. Another biggie is showing your personal area while sitting. I know that we haven't had the training or practice to sit in a proper feminine manner but it is our responsibility to learn and do it.

All of these physical matters of "good taste" also have counterparts in the mental area. Most of us have heard that females are group beings. It is very important to them to get along well with others. They try very hard to reach agreements which will benefit others, even at their own expense. They tend to be generous and giving of both their time and themselves. These traits are very different from the typical male traits of competition and aggression.

While we all have our own goals and paths to travel, it seems to me that if we happen to be on the Road to Rome and are wearing a dress, we should try not to offend anyone else who is also wearing a dress.

Have you looked in a mirror lately? Could I be talking about you?