In our transgendered communities, we tend to see so much of the pain, in both the transgendered person and his/her partner. Endless articles, books, videos, and programs are presented to help pave the way to accepting yourself, as a TG, or if you are a partner, to some sense of peace in your life about his/her transgendered side.

For years, there was so much emphasis on the pain, the dark closets, the misunderstandings, the lack of viable information about transgenderism, that we in the community didn't see much fun around us. For those of us who are partners, there was nothing, except the unknowns about the entire situation.

Fortunately, as time has passed, and more and more transgendered people are coming out of the closet and accepting themselves as whole, there has been a real effort to begin to enjoy life, have fun with being who you are. Likewise, partners are also beginning to enjoy this side of the coin, and learn that yes, you can have fun with your partner's femme side.

I have long been known as an accepting partner, and through the years, I have discovered that I thoroughly enjoy being around TGs. Crossdressing men, who have learned to accept themselves and to enjoy their dressing can be especially stimulating and enjoyable to be with. To quote my daughter, Jennifer, who loves being around members of our community, "Mom, I always have a blast with our crossdressing friends."

And she does. She, like me, sees beyond the outside appearance and looks inside, seeing the real person who lives in there. If a partner can have fun with other transgendered people, can she also have fun with her own partner? Or does she put a boundary on that area, and block it out?

If a woman allows her personal fears or frustrations to remain within her, she loses a perfectly wonderful way to open communication with her partner - actually learning to enjoy his femme side and play with it. It is an opportunity which can be invaluable to strengthening the relationship, as well as bringing new intimacy between the partners.

There are several ways to have fun with your partner. To begin, you need to let down your barriers, let your natural sense of humor and fun come to the surface. Be willing to laugh and love and enjoy. Be open to his femme side's sense of humor and fun; don't limit your openness only to his male side. Helping him dress, by picking out lingerie or his outfits is a good beginning. Watching him bathe and shave, or even helping can give you a great deal of pleasure - and it makes you an actual part of his transformation. It helps him let down his inhibitions, his self consciousness if you are eager to be a part of the transformation process. You can use this, too, as initial foreplay, as part of the anticipation of later lovemaking.

A next step can be your willingness to actually accompany him as he goes out. It can be fun to watch him as he lives out his fantasy of being out in public, dressed. It helps him to have you by his side, if you want to be there, and can increase his pleasure in expressing his femme side. Participate in the fantasy, compliment "her," hold her hand, express your affection and love in whatever way you can.

If his "femme" side is coming to visit at home, rather than for an outside excursion, make her welcome. Encourage her to feel comfortable and know that it is "her" home, too. I really enjoy it when Vanessa is "at home," and she has one outfit I find adorable and love seeing her in. It is important that the femme persona be treated as lovingly as his male persona is. Do things around the house together, watch a video or program on television, simply sit quietly and talk. You can learn to enjoy this side of him, and it may actually allow you to see him differently. You will also learn more about this complex and interesting person you share life with.

Lovemaking is a personal issue for each couple. A woman who finds herself totally fulfilled by the lovemaking with her male husband may simply not be able to extend that fulfillment to his femme side. I don't believe there are rights or wrongs in this issue; it is something very personal between partners, and what is good for my partner and me may not be good for you and your partner.

However, lovemaking with your femme partner can be enormously satisfying. If a woman can be open to her own fantasies, and not hide them in shame, she can not only live them out, but be an active part of his fantasies, too. A woman can find herself very aroused by her femme partner, and if she will abandon herself to this arousal and actively make love, it can be an astonishing experience, and one she will want to repeat. It can enhance their sexual relationship, and can be the ultimate fulfillment for her partner.

This is not to say that lovemaking while your partner is en femme is the only way to make love. I find it very important to make love with my partner's male side. There are times when I need and want him, and he happily accommodates me. There needs to be a healthy balance between the two, and the transgendered partner has responsibility to be sure that his own happiness in making love while dressed does not push aside her needs to also be made love to by his male side. The lovemaking with the femme partners should be a part of, rather than sum total of the sexual relationship. That both partners are fulfilled by the total sexual relationship is a priority.

There is laughter and love and enjoyment to be had with your femme partner, if you can let down your barriers and let it come into your life. We tend to carry sexual hang-ups, as well as society's doctrines around with us, and it can and does prevent total intimacy with our TG partner. To allow anything to prevent total intimacy is a sad loss to you and to your partner To never know the depths your closeness with each other can reach is to throw away a rare gift. Your life can be changed, enhanced, filled with wonder if you can open yourself up to this gift, as I have. You can learn what true intimacy is and your life will be blessed.