In our relationships with our transgendered husbands we may be asked to assume roles for which we have not prepared, or we may be asked to play opposite roles they wish to assume which make us uncomfortable. "I don't want a sister, daughter, lesbian lover.. .I want my husband!" lament wives of transgendered men. Being thrust into a role for which you am ill-prepared is unnerving and confusing. The curtain goes up and you haven't a clue what your lines are. In fact, you're not even certain anymore what the play is about!

So having inappropriate roles chosen for us can be an unsettling process. We would rather have a say in choosing roles we feel as appropriate for us and the situation in which we find ourselves. But do we, as wives, always choose wisely? Or do we often times play an inappropriate role and then wonder why nothing seems to be proceeding according to the script we have written?

Whether your husband is decked out in a three piece suit and tie or your best Sunday dress, he is still your husband. That is, he is still your mate, spouse, better-half, whatever gender neutral euphemism you choose. You are partners in this grand adventure called marriage - equal partners, one hopes, two adults meeting life's challenges and joys together.

Why then do so many wives of transgendered men don the role, not of wife and partner, but of mother? Not "mother" to their children - that is obviously appropriate - but to their spouse. Perhaps, seeking to control behaviors which seem alien and threatening, they fall into the role of "mother" to better get a handle on their own fears. Unfortunately, this role choice has the negative side effect of relegating their husband to the part usually played opposite "mother," the child. Treating their transgendered husbands as willful children seems to alleviate some wives' fears and allows them to feel in control of their particular situation. But husbands (with some exceptions, I'm sure) are adults, not children. And their wives are not their mothers: we'll discuss Oedipus another time, thank you. This miscast scenario seems to lead to a quandary observed in many couples struggling to come to grips with one partner's transgendered status; the wife stuck firmly on the fence. Sometimes it is fine for him to dress, without reservation, sometimes it is not. Now he can go freely to support group meetings. Now he can't. Moral support is given, then capriciously withdrawn Confused? You bet he is. Frustrated-? Undoubtedly. Big truth: it is not an easy matter to come to grips with the idea of end the behavior of a transgendered spouse. It takes much soul searching, research, introspection, psychological gear-shifting and love. And there is a point where it all comes down to black and white: are you going to piss or get off the pot? Are you going to stay in your relationship, adult to adult, and trust your transgendered spouse to do what he must do, or are you going to cut the cord, sever the relationship and allow both of you to get on with your respective lives?

That's pretty harsh, you say. Perhaps so. But isn't it kinder to allow the person you love the freedom to be who they must be, even if that means letting them go, rather than holding them back out of selfishness? Robert Fulghum once wrote To love something and to possess it are not the same thing. To that I add that to love someone and to possess them, to seek to completely control their lives, is not the same thing.

Wives, choose your males wisely. Adult, martyr, confidant - they are all available to you. The stage is set, the curtain rises, the spotlight is on you. What part do you choose? How does your play proceed?