Hello,
Suddenly discovering that the man you thought you knew so very much about is transgendered, can be a painful and devastating experience. Within you, perhaps too deep for tears, are feelings of aloneness, betrayal and confusion. What is important is that you realize that you are not alone in this. I do not know where your husband believes himself to be in his gender journey, but rest assured that he is just beginning that journey and may well have no idea himself. At this time, what is important is that your feelings be considered and that you be spared as much pain as possible. As I told you last night, I am in my second transgendered marriage. I was married for 13 years to a crossdresser and during that time, became very active in the gender community. I have worked with wives and partners of transgendered men for 8 years and I also served as president of a crossdressing support group in Atlanta for 3 years. I write articles for both wives and partners and for transgendered persons, and I have served on the boards of directors of 4 different national transgendered organizations, as well as being the coordinator for a wives and partners conference for 3 years in a row. So, I guess you could say I have been around. I left my previous marriage for reasons other than his crossdressing, and I knew about Vanessa’s transgendered nature 3 years ago, when I first met her. Unlike you, I purposely chose to join with Vanessa in a life partnership, fully aware of her femme side, and that side is a third and equal partnership in our relationship. I can, without any reservation, say to you that a relationship with a transgendered man can be joyous and fulfilling.
You are not alone in that each of us who are partners of transgendered men have walked the same road you have. Some of these women could accept this side of their partner much more readily than others. There are no rights or wrongs in this matter; each of us is unique, each of us have our limitations, each of us feel different feelings. Yet, despite our feelings of abandonment, we are not alone, for we do all walk this road. The important thing is that you understand that you do have sisters who care in all of this. We may not personally know you, but we are here, we understand your pain and confusion, and are your sisters. We want to be of help and support to you; however, we will not seek you out. You must make that decision to let us help, yourself.
My only real advice is this: if you are committed to Edward and to your relationship, then you need to learn all you can about his transgenderism. Obtain and read every piece of literature you can find. Talk to him, demand that he be honest in telling you his feelings, and also demand that he listen to you, and understand that you have feelings and needs, too. There are no givens in all of this, and only you and he can decide if your relationship can, and will continue. You do need to realize that if he is transgendered, it will not go away. It has been there since birth, and he will be transgendered all his life. He may be able to put it away on occasion, even for lengthy periods of time, but when it comes back it will return with a vengance and can be beyond his control. No amount of prayer, counseling, pleading or threats can make what he feels go away. If you can accept that, then you have a chance to go ahead and try to deal with it. It will be totally your choice,
You may choose to leave, but before you do, I urge you to learn as much about it as you can, so that you can make a logical decision and whatever that decision is, you can make it knowing that you have thought it out completely and will live in peace with that decision.Whatever you choose to do, I wish you well in all of this.
Sincerely.
June 1998