Ever since I began living full time (I had been living "fool time" all my life) it became clear how little we really know about the emotional side of life. Too many years of testosterone poisoning with problem resolution, goal oriented behavior, needing to be right and ignoring the subtle emotional aspects of life.

Oh, yes, I gave what seemed like sufficient respect to women, even feeling somewhat smug that I knew them better than other men. Because, after all, I was a crossdresser. Heck, I even knew women better than they knew themselves because of my unique perspective.

I actually believed that drivel.

Someone recently asked me, what changed in my life, after living full time. The answer was simple: everything. All my relationships changed: personal, professional, and casual. Some improved, some definitely got worse, but all changed. For example, in my other life, I always did all the repair work on my cars. A friend whom I have known for some time, recently experienced car problems. As we are talking on the phone, he starts talking "baby talk," when explaining what is wrong the the car (timing belt broke, do you know what a timing belt is...). You get the picture.

You say I should be flattered that he thought of me as a female? Well, yes, but this is only a small example of how men think they know more than women. And God forbid, you should show your intelligence, and most men become intimidated. Heck of a way to get dates; act dumb, and pretend he knows all the answers.

It really is nice to find someone who is not threatened or intimidated when challenged by a female. A rare breed indeed.

This is also true in relationships with wives and significant others. We may feel we know all the answers, because we have thought about it (obsessed?) for so long. The problem is that it's from only one perspective, and it's been seeped in testosterone.

I feel that crossdressing and transgenderism is the most difficult of human conditions. Generally speaking, divorce can split friendships, but one has the support of family, and children continue some type of relationship. The death of a friend or family member, though painful, is a hurt that heals. Even being gay does not expose one to the wide range of emotional trauma associated with being a crossdresser or transgendered.

How is that? Glad you asked.

Let's take a male in his 30's or 40's; married, two kids, stable work record, involved in his kids activities. One day he decides it's too much to live with this lie any longer, and he tells his wife about his crossdressing desires. And oh, by the way, he is going to a meeting dressed and he wants her to come.

What is the impact? The wife cannot turn to her usual support network for help, for two reasons. First, this secret must be kept, and someone is sure to talk. Second, people will judge her by his actions, and this is truly unfair.

"Coming Out" can result in divorce, not seeing children and family members any longer, loss of good employment, loss of friends, loss of material wealth (house, cars, etc.) and a complete upheaval of one's lifestyle. Cheap at twice the price you say? Wonder if the response would be the same five years hence.

Working with a wife or significant other to slowly understand the forces at work, to demand nothing and expect very little, is the key. After all, if she accepts it, she may still have to justify to family and friends, just why you are worth staying with. The chances for success improve with dialogue and time. Too much talking about "it", however, can have the opposite effect. But then, this is so common; we have a hard time doing anything in moderation.

This is also the perfect time to show your wife of SO all the other aspects of your personality that are positive. Remind her why she liked you in the first place.

Assuming all those forces are under control, this can be a rich and rewarding experience for both of the partners. Very complicated to be sure, but positive nevertheless. And stop knowing everything and having a solution for every problem. She has brains, (she picked you after all), so treat her like that.