We are constantly in contact with spouses and partners of gender-gifted persons. Most recently, while on vacation, we made arrangements to meet with a couple with whom we had been corresponding for some time. The fact that the couple were willing to drive nearly five hours to meet with us, and then drive the same distance back that same night, indicated to us that they were quite serious about finding a way to successfully integrate the transgendered side of one partner into the relationship.

We met over drinks in an out of the way lounge. Both Vanessa and the transgendered husband were en femme. For Vanessa, this is a rather normal situation; however, for the other TG, Cathy, this was a first. Her wife, Kaye, had encouraged not only the meeting, but had gone so far as to assist in Cathy’s dressing and had pierced her ears. To all appearances, the wife was completely supportive, and even encouraging of this expression of her partner’s femme self.

In talking with husband and wife, we discovered that both of them had very strong emotions, simmering just below the surface. On the one hand, Cathy needed desperately to express who she was, and to be loved and accepted; on the other hand, Kaye was filled with fears of what might happen, the chance. She felt a great deal of guilt when she “Imposed” limitations or boundaries, and felt that when she couldn’t participate to the extent Cathy wanted her to, she was letting her husband down. Kaye stated that she "felt guilty" about these limits and wondered why she felt this way.

We tried to reassure both Cathy and Kaye that the feelings each were experiencing were real and that they should feel no guilt for these emotions. Kaye was afraid of "what might not happen." They were so immersed in their own fears, emotions and guilt that they could not adequately listen to or understand the other.

Kaye was willing to "go so far"; however, to Cathy, it wasn’t far enough. This is typical of many transgendered relationships. Yet, to be honest, most crossdressers have no idea where their journey will eventually take them. This uncertainty is often mistakenly understood by the wife/partner to mean that the transgendered partner may be transsexual. This gives rise to fears that the relationship is doomed. It also gives rise to further uncertainties within the wife/partner as to her own femininity and desirability. These fears, in turn, cause the wife/partner to establish ground rules that she believes will prevent her transgendered partner from “taking it any further.” If she can limit him to simple crossdressing, there is no threat of further transgendered exploration. In doing so, the wife/partner puts enormous pressure on her partner to live within the “box”. This is where this couple found themselves.

Cathy, the crossdresser, expressed her dislike for being restricted to "life in a box". Kaye, the wife, expressed concern for feeling guilty about establishing the confines of the "box". Okay, who’s right and wrong here? The answer - nobody and everybody. It is only natural that once a transgendered person comes to terms with their transgenderism, they would want to explore their alternate gender to wherever it may lead them. They cannot deny who they are and to cease being transgendered is akin to asking them to stop breathing. It is, after all, their inner nature. The wife, in this case, has the concerns of a family, and relationship being torn apart. Both of these individuals are justified in their fears, needs and concerns.

So, if both partners are justified in their feelings, where is the "middle ground?" There is no pat answer. Each and every relationship is different. In as much as no two crossdressers travel exactly the same path, no two spouses will have the same comfort zones.

If there is love between these two people, there is hope. However, love alone is not enough. There must be respect and friendship, and most importantly, willingness to communicate openly and honestly. If there is a fear to say what one really feels, it is important to overcome this barrier, or there is no hope.

It is important to express your hopes, feelings and desires. In the case of the male-to-female crossdresser, he naturally wishes to experience, as totally as possible, the feelings of really being a woman. At the same time, the crossdresser needs to be unselfishly open to the needs and concerns of his partner. This respectful attitude should be equally expressed by the wife or partner. Neither of us believe that "ground rules" are the answer. However, they may be a means to an end. IF such limitations are jointly agreed upon, and it is understood that such boundaries are dynamic and not static, they may work.

The feelings of both partners are real and should be respected. "No, you should not feel guilty about wanting to retain the masculinity you like in your husband" And "No, you should not feel ashamed about being transgendered." These are the statements we shared with Kaye and Cathy. While support groups are an undeniable help, the truth is that couples need to explore their own relationship and set their own comfort zones.

Kaye and Cathy are working this out, and they feel a great hope that they will be able to successfully integrate transgenderism into their relationship. After all, it can be a fulfilling experience for both, providing each partner respects and understands the other’s needs and fears.

There Is no "standard" or set age at which a person recognizes their transgendered nature. Providing that the couple are friends, as well as lovers and partners, there is no reason that the journey of transgenderism cannot be taken together. Within any relationship, there needs to be room and respect for individual growth. Kahlil Gibran spoke thus, "Stand together, For the pillars of the temple stand apart the oak tree and cypress grow not in each other’s shadow."