Carolyn's Corner:

Graduation

When I first started crossdressing at home, I would close all the curtains tightly and cover the uncurtained windows with towels and sheets. In that cocoon out of public sight, I felt safe to spend a few hours dressed as a woman. At that time, the idea of going out of the house that way was so far out that it never entered my imagination.

Later, as I got more confidence, I started going to events sponsored by crossdressing groups like NWGA, where exposure to the public was very low. When I met other crossdressers, I listened with awe and envy to their stories of really being out in public. I never thought I would muster the courage to mix with the public while dressed or develop the ability to look convincing enough to actually blend in as a woman.

Many crossdressers say they do not care whether they "pass" as women in public. They know that no one ever passes all the time. They are happy just doing what they want to do and don't care whether anyone notices that they are not really women. Maybe I am more shy than most, but I have not wanted to appear in public if I was going to be too obvious as a man in a dress. I know I would not feel comfortable if I was read by everyone who saw me.

When I thought about being out in public, I often wished I were able to go shopping as a woman. I decided to set a long-term goal for myself as a crossdresser - to someday go shopping at Washington Square, specifically, to walk the length of the mall while crossdressed. If I could do that comfortably, I figured, I could do lots of things in public as a woman.

For a long time, this goal was just a dream I could not fulfill. I neither had the courage, the appearance, or the presentation skills to really mix with the public. Gradually, I worked to improve my skills in looking like a woman. I bought a better wig, more in keeping with contemporary hairstyles of women my age. I toned down my makeup so that I would have a more everyday look. I bought some women's casual clothes, including some pants, in order to dress more in keeping with the average woman. I worked on walking and carrying my body like a woman, trying in front of a mirror and video camera to break decades of male habits.

I accustomed myself to ever higher exposure levels: first going to Hobo's or Darcelle's, where I would be seen by members of the public who did not cross dress but who accepted me; going out to a hip restaurant or to a movie or a play with a crossdressing theme, where the public would not be surprised at the sight of a man in a dress, going shopping in Port Angeles, where the whole town tried to be cool at the sight of crossdressers.

On the night of the Valentine's Party this year, I finally felt ready to go out in the real public. I put on some pants, a casual top and some low-heeled shoes and drove to Washington Square. At nearly six feet and blond, I know I will be noticed, but when I entered the mall through Nordstrom only a few people glanced at me. I did not see anyone do a double-take or stare. I forced myself to walk slowly the length of the mall, stopping to look in store windows, and occasionally going in a store to inspect some clothes on the rack. No one snickered; no teenagers stopped and pointed. No one even made much eye contact. Slowly, I relaxed, and I felt my body movements became more feminine on their own. I began to feel that I belonged there - as a woman. After I had retraced my steps and got back to my car, I let out a little scream of delight. I had graduated as a crossdresser.

For many experienced crossdressers, this excursion would not have raised a heartbeat. It is something they do all the time. For others still risking only low levels of exposure, it seems like an impossible adventure. For me, it marked successful completion of years of trial and training, the beginning of real enjoyment of myself as a cross dresser.