Now that I know who and what I am, I still find that my closet door is locked. I would like to wear a dress around the house (in front of the kids), go out shopping fully dressed, come to work in a skirt, blouse and heels, to wear make-up on a daily basis. I would like to try to live full time as a woman. But I am stopped by my own guilt. I have never had a bad experience when dressed. I have heard passing remarks about being gay or called a transvestite, but I have never had an in-your-face confrontation. It has almost been totally the opposite. I have come out to some of my family members and have been accepted, salespeople have always been helpful, waitresses and waiters have been courteous and strangers have stopped to ask questions, or even to buy me a drink just so they could talk to me about crossdressing. So what keeps me from doing and going where I want? Only my guilt!

Because, way down deep inside of me somewhere, I have called crossdressing wrong, I carry a feeling of guilt. That feeling of guilt has stopped me from coming out to the rest of my family, from wearing make-up and dressing how I would like at any given time. I didn't put on a wig, make-up, a dress and high heels, and step out the front door until I was encouraged to do so by others. That encouragement erased a little of the guilt and allowed me to cross over the threshold of the closet that I was in at the time. That encouragement said that it was acceptable, in certain situations, to get dressed up and go Out. So now I have gone out shopping, to restaurants, and to movies crossdressed. Each of these outings have been to known, accepting situations or with the accompaniment of an accepting person. Those accepting business establishments, or people, have been enough to erase the guilt for at least a little while. The Tri-Ess meetings are an accepting situation where I know that the loving people there will accept me no matter how I am dressed, bright or drab.

My own guilt keeps the door locked from my full enjoyment, the joy of going out into the world dressed in a manner of my own choosing, not in the drab dress style that society has dictated is acceptable. My guilt of being seen brightly dressed by family, friends and co-workers, of confrontations with strangers, and the fact that I might have to justify my dress has kept me in a closet, One that is a little bigger now, thanks to the encouragement of friends. Today was Friday at work, casual dress day, and only half the staff and very little management were expected to be in the office. I dressed for work in a unisex attire, black slacks, black hose, tassel loafers (all of which was purchased from the women's side of the store). At first I put on a cream colored blouse. The lock of guilt made me take off the blouse, even though it was also of a unisex cut, and exchange it for a man's gray silk shirt. Would anyone have noticed or cared if I had worn the blouse? Probably not! Yes, it was a little brighter, made of a bit shiner material, but the cut was about the same as the shirt I ended up wearing. Only my guilt made me remove the blouse. Inside, I knew that it was a blouse, and with that blouse on I would be dressed in completely feminine attire at the office. I was uncomfortable being entirely dressed in feminine attire, and my guilt prevented me from making that final step. Guilt made me exchange the blouse for the shirt, even though my desire was to wear the blouse. Why was the blouse unacceptable, when the slacks, shoes and hose were OK?

The desire to crossdress also created guilt because of the worry of how it affects my family. Does the maintenance of a second wardrobe, the cosmetics, membership in support groups, and other costs drain the family finances? Does the time spent at meetings and with support groups take away from the family quality time? In my own mind I have been able to justify all of these and have removed that particular lock of guilt. For the most part, my wardrobe, cosmetics and wigs are established with a conservative chic style, the colors and styles should last for several years before becoming dated. So only a few new items need be purchased now and then, and remember from past articles, I am a bargain shopper, so my expenses are minimal. Of course, there were a few very expensive years getting to this point. The quality time that is taken from my family amounts to only a few hours a week, and since I have come to understand who and what I am, I have been more open and understanding of other family members. This understanding of myself makes me a better person to be around for all who know me. Since I don't smoke, drink, swear, or run around with bad women (of course my wife thinks crossdressers are all bad women) I have to have some vice and outlet. I think that my dressing has a lot less impact on me and my family than many other things that I could be doing with my time. And I wouldn't find them to be nearly as enjoyable as getting all dressed up and getting out of that closet.

"Do not judge solely on a person's appearance, but judge with good reason." Chevaliere d'Eon