On The National Scene...

"But I'm Not A Lesbian!" - One Couple's Solution
By Jane Ellen Fairfax and Frances Fairfax

Jane:

"No, you may not wear a nightgown to bed!" cried Claire at her husband Johnny. "Silk and lace on you are a big turn-off! When we make love with you in a nightie, I feel like a lesbian. I married a man!"

All too often, in boudoirs around the world, this scene is played out. Johnny has crossed a boundary that is very important to Claire. Perhaps it threatens her self-image as a woman who is attractive to a man: "I must be terribly inadequate as a woman, if he needs to be Joanie in bed. It's almost as if I'm competing with another woman - and losing!" Sometimes crossdressers wonder why their once- tolerant wives become less supportive. How they handle these very real feelings can determine the fate of their relationships.

Incredibly, some crossdressers reply to these fears with insensitive statements attacking their wives' feelings as homophobic! One still sees in the gender community press occasional references to "male lesbians" - which helps not at all. We can pontificate - or we can seek relationship-building solutions. While no solution can be guaranteed for every couple, the following process worked for us.

When I first discovered my desire to crossdress, I spent three weeks at the medical library researching the subject from every possible angle. From the literature I concluded that the term "heterosexual crossdresser" best described me. Taking long walks, I tried imagining Jane's reaction to various encounters. Certainly Jane would like a man to open doors for her, or compliment her appearance. Having a debonair gentlenian kiss her hand - why, that would be nice, too. Dancing with a man? Here crept in feelings of discomfort. Making love to a man? - No, thank you. But what exactly was Jane's sexuality? Was she a lesbian? What was I to tell my wife?

Then came the solution! Already I knew that I was just one person. "Jane" was simply the name I gave to the feminine side of my personality. The whole person who is me is a male attracted exclusively to women. Jane lives in my body; Jane's sexuality was mine; the subject was moot! Sharing this insight with my wife helped her to the conclusion that whether dressed as Gil or Jane, I was the same person - the same man - she married. Thus reassured, she was able to express her love for me, regardless of how I dressed for bed. Since the identity is the same, she calls me "Jane" in private, a loving expression of acceptance that means a lot to me. I, in turn, have reaffirmed her femininity and attractiveness. Mutually secure in each other's love, we have enjoyed freedom to explore the breadth and depth and height of our love. What a life-experience we have built together!

I'm in love with a wonderful woman!

Frances:

And I'm in love with a wonderful man! His qualities of empathy and sensitivity make up a large part of that romantic man I married.

Very early in Jane's process of emergence, I told my husband, "You are the same person I fell in love with and married so many years ago. Jane is just a further development - a new facet - of an already fasciiiating, multi-faceted person. And no matter what he wears to bed, he's still my husband.

My acceptance of Jane was made much easier by several factors. In the first place, Jane began to emerge only after many years of marriage. The crossdressing was never kept hidden from me, and open communication at every stage kept things in perspective. There was little of that unilateral escalation, that "pushing the envelope" which can be so destructive to a relationship. And, as Jane affirmed her femininity, she also reaffirmed mine. She was never my rival. To repeat, I'm in love with a wonderful man. (And his "sister" is pretty neat, too!)

Too many wives, however, are not so fortunate. I've heard their stories and felt their pain as their husbands, having revealed their crossdressiiig, proceeded to run amok. Wives were pressed to come to terms immediately with gender issues their husbands had unsuccessully struggled with for decades. For many wives, the bedroom represents that "final frontier" they dare not allow "her" to cross.

To permit "her" in their beds spells the loss of "him." This fear of loss and abandonment is primal. To dismiss it as somehow "homophobic" is the grossest of insults. Besides, if one's sexual preference is innate, how can she be faulted for hers? Is she to be "re-programmed" to find "her" attractive and desirable? Hardly! When a husband has just shaken his marriage to the core by re- vealing a long-term pattern of deception, and perhaps causing his wife to doubt his sexuality, how can he blithely proceed to call his wife's sexuality into question as well? Only time, patience, and tenderness can bring a wife to tolerate, ignore, or per-haps one day learn to enjoy "her' trappings in bed. An attitude of "I want what I want, and your feelings don't count" is the complete antithesis of the mutual love and respect that should prevail - in a loving, committed marriage relationship. Such an attitude rules out communication and comprommise. It denies not only her sexual dignity but her human dignity as well.

Perhaps an illustration from a Tan Chi Chapter program of some years ago will help convey some of the instinctive fear and revulsion many wives feel at the notion of their husbands' "dressing" for bed. A local Houston helping professional, a therapist with extensive experience in dealing with sex and gender issues, had been invited to present the evening's program. Chapter members and guests gathered to munch on goodies and await her arrival. One chapter member brought an unexpected guest, a man wearing a 3-piece, western-style suit, hoots and a moustache. It took those assembled some time to realize that "Sam" was actually the featured speaker, dressed "en homme." Her true identity revealed, Sharon asked the crossdressed men present to imagine their wives or girlfriends suddenly expressing a lifelong desire to dress in male clothes, complete with cotton boxers, unshaven legs, G.I. haircuts and false moustaches! Stunned silence prevailed as Sharon approached Vicki.

"Pretend I'm your wife, Vicki," "Sam" said very sweetly.
"Uh, O.K.," Vicki replied, unconsciously shrinking back.
Purred "Sam", "I'm ready for bed, Dear," putting an arm around Vicki's shoulder.
"I have a headache!" blurted Vicki.

We all had a good laugh. I hope we all got the point.

How about it, ya'll?