If you are the partner of a transgendered man, you may often watch your partner "transform" to his femme persona with amazement. The disappearance of the male and the emergence of the female is often very difficult for the partner, and it is just one more bend in the road to acceptance.

Even if the partner reacts positively to the transformation, she may find herself still having difficulties with the change of behavior that she, the partner, must experience. Not only does the mind's eye have to now be convinced that a feminine person now exists where a hour ago stood a male, but she will probably find that her reactions to this new feminine person plays a vital part in the actual transformation for the transgendered partner.

One area which seems to be particularly hard for us partners is how do we now address our en femme partner? If you are used to calling your partner by his given, male name, it is suddenly very difficult to have to start calling him by a femme name. It also gets very confusing at times.

I have personally experienced this phenomena. In my previous relationship, I could not keep myself straight and virtually always called my partner by his male name, even when he was en femme. I seemed to have a mental roadblock to using his femme name, both when speaking directly to him when crossdressed and when talking about his femme side to others.

In my relationship with Vanessa, I totally reversed my prior inability to speak of my partner as a feminine person. I have a rough time calling Vanessa by her male name, when talking to relatives like his mother, or my father, or the girls at work. So much a part of me is Vanessa, that I can't really differentiate between the two persons except visually. My partner is Vanessa, whether it is the masculine I see or the feminine. When I think of my partner, it is always as Vanessa and, in fact, she is the third, equal member of our relationship and marriage.

When I am talking to others in the gender community about Vanessa, I always use the femme pronouns or "she" or "her. That I am able to do this; however, is probably a rarity amongst partners.

In most cases, the relationship begins as male and female. A woman becomes used to the maleness of her partner, and they are presented to society, to friends and family and work, as a male/female couple. They are the mother and father figures to their children. So it becomes difficult to have to suddenly switch channels in mid-stream and be faced with the femme side, especially if the wife/partner has not known about her partners transgendered nature for any length of time.

At the same time a wife/partner is trying to adapt to her husband's femme side, she is asked to not only accept the physical changes but her partner wants her to make the transformation complete by having her (the wife/partner) change a pattern of years by now calling "him" by a femme name and feminine pronouns. It is hard for the wife to do this.

At the same time, she may not realize that the transgendered partner needs that extra step to make the transformation complete for him/her. To be dressed from the skin up in feminine attire and then be called Harold or sir, or him, is really a deflation and can ruin their sense of transformation. The wife may not understand this, thinking that the wearing of feminine clothing is what is most important and should be "enough to make one happy."

While the clothing plays a major part in all of this, there is no doubt, the transformation needs to be complete. I am a professional woman, and I feel I present myself best when not only dressed professionally, but when I can express my abilities and expertise and be accepted as a competent person as a whole. The dress helps but it is that further acceptance that is important. How people perceive me is more important. Thus it is with the crossdresser, and the aura is completed when the feminine transformation is carried to that final step where feminine pronouns are used to address the CD. And it is of real importance that the one they are closest to, their wife/partner, help by using those pronouns. Just as I take pride in my professionalism and strive to be accepted as such, so does the crossdresser need that extra step to be complete.

Even though some women might see this gesture of respect as an added burden, it is really a small one and might really help bring the relationship to a closer point of intimacy.